Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Today I have such strong feelings of abandonment. I try to breathe through it and remind myself that they are not based on anything real happening now. You are on vacation, nothing has changed during it. I have been abandoned many times but it is not today. I carry the memory of it and it makes this situation feel somewhat the same but it is not. So carry on your vacation, T.

Somedays I wish we never met, the pain wouldn't haunt me so much everyday. At the same time, if we never had, I could have never made it though D's death without you. This is such a complicated and frustrating relationship. Your real friends and family, the people you truly care about and love, are lucky to have you.

I'm scared of sitting with myself for three weeks without you there to guide me out of my darkest thoughts.

We've talked about holding things side by side nearly every time I've seen you.

It's like I'm riding two horses thundering away, standing with one foot on each.

I think of a couple of the statements you made during our last session as titles to the horses:
"You cannot live a joyful life like this."
and
"Children typically do as well as their least functional parent."

Yesterday, there was the appointment with the attorney highlighting the distance and the anger and the grief
and
backyard badminton with the boys, who had both of their parents there with them to laugh and joke and make s'mores and stargaze.

I feel like I will split in half, or fall off entirely and the horses will thunder off while I'm left sitting in the dust.

I'm having one of those evenings, where I just wish I was magically in the room with you and that I was brave enough to ask for a hug. Why are the weekends always the hardest!

I wonder what you’re up to.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired all the time.

I just realized that I'm in all honesty jealous of a 16 year old war refugee,who went through lots of horrible stuff...

I'm an awful person.

When you ask about how something makes me feel and I say "fine", that's it. That is ALL there is. You always ask "yes, but what's the next level?" Or words to that effect, but there isn't anything else. Its not me being consciously difficult or 'not playing along', nor is it some attempt to draw things out. Something fairly significant has to happen for something other than "that's fine" or "that's not ok" to be the internal response. If I am going to overcome the defence mechanism, it sure as hell ain't going to happen by being put on the spot and being pestered. I'm not sure how many different ways I can or need to say this.

I probably don't need to explain to you why I sent that email last weekend, actually. I'm fairly certain you know that I'm still processing the loss of our relationship. It was so very important to me for a long time, and I'm learning to navigate the waters of life without you. So, I sent you one email in 3 weeks (a day or 2 after the car accident - if that hadn't happened, I am 150% sure I would not have emailed you). So I'm doing it, overall! I'm glad you didn't respond - I probably somewhere in my psyche knew that you would keep your boundary and not reply, and that's why I sent it, just the reaching out was enough, allowed me to briefly feel that healing connection we shared. I didn't need a response. (of course I'm human, duh, I hoped for it anyway! But I know now that I didn't need it.)

I am going to call you Monday though and ask you to email me the pictures. I want to do some work with them, like find any common threads that weave them all together, and write the story that they tell. I don't remember all of them. I have really clear memories of the one that I've been using in journeys of course, that one is very familiar and kinda like a vacation home or something and has expanded and become so much richer than the original sand tray. There are others I sort of remember, still others I can only recall some of the miniatures I used in them. Anyway.

You're driving me crazy. I wish you would listen to me.

It'd really be helpful if you'd let me know your availability this week. Yesterday's session was bizarre. I have feelings about your daughter's phone call. And questions about the part about projective identification. The irony of the whole thing isn't lost on me. And it's amazing to me how you can be simultaneously (or maybe sequentially) amazing and terrible at communication.

I wish you were a member of my family.

Floundering. Vague assurances that you will be in touch are not in the least bit helpful.

If I can't talk about what is playing on my mind, I don't feel safe...and I haven't been able to talk for three weeks.

I won't email again, because you evidently didn't get my first one...or at least didn't acknowledge it.

Three words would have been all it would have taken to spare me feeling like this...

idk what to tell you tomorrow

I'm at a stalemate w life.

I dreamed we had a text session lol
I didn't really like it, but it was nice anyway

Missing you, hope you're enjoying your vacation

can I paint ur nails

I think of you, and I know you are there. More importantly, I know I am here and not floating out in dissociation land or flashback city. I feel very centered in my life this morning and what I am trying to accomplish.

I went out to a burger bar with creepy guy. I know you're right about him, but I was just feeling down and rather lonely. One of the waiters reminded me of you. I could see you on tuesday,but I don't want to. Tell me you love me.

Thinking of you. Love you.

story of my life.

I don't know what to do.

Cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Love you.

The pain of missing you is bad tonight. I really do long for you.