Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

So much has happened in the last 3 months that I haven’t been able to tell you. Some of it is really good news you’d love to know! Some is hard stuff I really want advice on from a woman who knows me and is older and “wiser” than I am.
The part of me that wants to tell you is the part of me that sees you as a friend. Which you’re NOT. So I’m standing my ground and staying put and not walking past your office for no reason and I’m eating this cake. With ice cream!

I’m scared.

Why. Can't. I. Tell. You. I. Love. You?

I literally feel like my entire body is dragging on the ground right now. I know it's 24 hours. But I'm just not ok.

Lol , me either! Paper tiger.

Hey T. Thank you for making all these phone calls for me, bc you know I never would.

<3 And for telling me you'd come with me to the intake if you weren't working. I think I'll be okay (if i go) though.

Also, thank you for understanding/not being hurt that I felt no emotion when you said you'd feel devastated if I committed suicide.

Dear T,
Miss you. Was mostly doing OK, but then I teared up a little while driving past the exit for your office when going to get D from camp. Though that may have also been related to ex-MC, since a line in the one song that was on made me think about him, and, of course, it's the same exit. We do need to discuss him more. I think maybe he's coming into my mind more since you're away. Or maybe because someone has a thread on marriage counseling, and someone said how it should only take like 6-12 sessions and we were seeing him for years...
Anyway, safe travels home (I assume you're coming home tomorrow).
--LT

ETA: Oh...or maybe some of the ex-MC stuff is from the dream I had last night that involved my sitting outside of the door of a concert and listening--since it was the band I had seen when I sent ex-MC the fateful e-mail... I guess there's something to me sitting outside the door to hear the concert instead of inside (though other, random people were with me), too.

I cried and cried yesterday, but I don't feel any better. My heart is still broken. I still can't imagine life without you.

I don't know if I'm going to pitch up today.

M.

This is hard.

Like. Really hard.

I only think of walking outside with you and how different that was for me.

That makes me feel so not ok.

Well. I guess it just makes what’s been there feel real to me, and maybe I don’t know how to really look at it.

I don’t know.

I feel like it’s making me a different person.

It’s feels like I don’t fit here anymore.

What does that mean?

I don’t know other than the fact that I want to run away from this place.

That’s not workable or logical.

I know.

I do know that it would help me feel better if you would answer my email.

I’m not me anymore.

Maybe that’s good. ?

Trail.

I just can't, I'm so done

Please stay safe.

This is frigging ridiculous. I'm starting to feel very apprehensive about August, because I don't know whether I can carry this any longer.

T,
I'm hurting so much. I wish I could see you. I just want to be with you. You're the only person who hasn't hurt me. I need you so much right now. I'm wearing down.

I’m not scared anymore. You asked me to call you, I did, which is a huge thing for me. You reassured me and I love you for that. Miss you.

Dear T,

I want to tell you that I felt safer when I had more constraints (a marriage, a younger child who needed me more, an actual job rather than just my own consulting business, a mortgage and less financial freedom). Things boxing me in and caging me inside these outside choices felt so familiar. Seems silly to say and even more goofier to experience, but my cage was comforting. Why does it have to be so hard, and to have worked so hard, to set myself free only to squander my freedom?

It is hard to choose. A really big part of me doesn't want to have to, and just drift through my life in the same way I did in the past.

I totally get this. I'm not sure if it would still apply given where you are but I remember reading that this kind of feeling is a classic vestige of trauma.

I met with my new supervisor again today. We're still at the getting to know you stage and I have been talking a lot about therapy with you and how that shapes who I am. He seems pretty approving of how you handle my attachment and needs. (Good job too, I wouldn't do well with someone who was critical of my therapy). He said that people look at dependency as though it were a bad thing, but it's not. People have different dependency needs and it's okay for those needs to be met in therapy. He said my dependency needs will change and I won't need you forever but now I do and that's okay. I'm glad he understands. It's affirming.

Sick again? Ugh, this always happens on Tuesdays.... and it's way too often. There has to be something wrong with you.... hate not knowing when I can see you again

So t please be understanding when I tell you Thursday that I won't be coming back the way we'd discussed yesterday... only for a couple sessions for now. If h does end up leaving me anyway, that will change things.but for now, I need to just spend a couple sessions on the sand tray analysis thing and that's it. Please don't be mad ok?
I'm at my limit right now for being mad at.

You know, you people go on and on about core wounds and not getting what we need and blah blah blah.

Then you go out and do the same thing over again to clients and you don’t give them what they need either.



And yes, this is aimed at my therapists and no one else’s.

I hope you're in my dreams again.

I mean, it's only been a fundamental part of our work together...this constant 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'...

I didn't hear my phone when your colleague called, but I think it's probably for the best. They would not have deserved what they would have received. I remain unconvinced that I am going to be able to keep my cool when I next see you.