Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Dear T

I tell you all the time not to worry...but you really should.

So I should probably stop telling you not to worry. Ugh why is this so hard?

I am hurting a lot. It feels unbearable. I wonder what you are doing. I am lying on my bed trying to stop crying. I can't seem to. It feels like the whole world is out together and I am by myself. Nobody is thinking of me. Nobody misses me. I am nothing, nobody. I can't even properly connect to you, and I tell you things no one else hears. Yet I remain stuck in my solitude and I feel it may kill me. I wish you could help me, but I think this is a losing battle.

L, would it f'ing kill you to wish me a happy birthday even though I left, just because of how ithadnt even been. 2 weeks yet?? ****. This ****.

I think we need to talk

Dear T,

I just e-mailed a therapy center. There is a t there I'm tempted to see for a little bit if the cost is reasonable. They also have a Saturday group that looks good that I'll probably go to, perhaps I'll go to that first to check the place out. I just feel you aren't helping me with certain issues and that I need some additional support.

-Butterfly

I think I'm going to go to bed, T. It seems that's the only escape available to me. I feel pretty pathetic going to bed at 8pm, but hey, what's new? The desolation and anxiety aren't dissipating, so it seems like the kindest thing I can do for myself is to go ahead and take my meds and hope the seroquel kicks in fast.

P.S. Please don't text me tomorrow and say the Friday at noon slot is taken. I need that spot. Maybe someone else needs it, too, but I'm certain I need it just as much, if not more. I am not well and I need to be seen - even if I waste the time being unable to speak.

I'm thinking about you. I've spent the whole day thinking about you. I hope you're feeling okay.

I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I can't breathe.

Yeah.

I'll get over it. Stupid ****ing feels.

More tequila.

Take care We’re here and thinking of you.

sui TW

Imissyou

You’re great. I still hate you but you’re great.

I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anything good, I'm so disgusting and miserable

Now is not the time to drop the ball on email. There is never a good time to drop the ball on email...but after two cancelled sessions, I really need to know that you understand where I am at the moment. Would it have been so hard to incorporate the phrase 'Got your email' into either of your session cancellation texts?

I don't want to be angry with you...but this is a living hell.

ok you. i totally understand why you didn't email me happy birthday yesterday. i'm fine with it this morning and i have a hunch that i wouldn't have gotten so maudlin about it last night if i hadn't been drinking (too many) margaritas. so don't worry, i'm not gonna be calling you for a followup termination session. we're good.


Be safe and enjoy your trip!! And I'm gonna enjoy mine.

You didn't just ruin my life by abandoning me like this...you ruined hers as well. You should have just let me die.

T,

Time for a quick English lesson:

their is possessive to indicate something belongs to someone.
they're is a contraction of the two words "they" and "are."
there indicates location of something

You have a master's degree. You're better than what you sent me.

Heh, my T has a PhD and doesn't know the proper usage of good and well.

You're the first man who made me feel like I was worth something, without me having to offer my body in return. You're kind and have told me that I was special, brave and that I have value. But I was still mean to you today and told you I didn't think you were a good therapist and that I didn't want to see you anymore.

My mind is lost. I don't think anyone can save me now.

Hi T. I am going to try and write this dream out, though it may be insignificant by the time I see you anyway. I dreamt that while an adult, my family moved back into one of my childhood homes. At first it was weird, and I was so exhausted that it didn't matter what was happening, because all i wanted was sleep.

Over time, staying at this house, it was decorated exactly te same as when i was a kid, even with the same furniture--that couch that I would LOVE to have as an adult. But during that time, I flashbacked to childhood and all the memories I don't really have all existed in my dream. Turns out it was fun, filled with toys and love. Cousins lived near by (which is true in real life, as they did in my older years--and in FL as well), and it was a happy childhood.

Interesting, eh?

I'm glad you stopped invading my mind. I am so relieved it's over for now. I don't like when you do that you know

It bothered me that your socks didn’t match your outfit last session. I couldn’t stop thinking about them all week! I think you’d get along well with Dumbledore. Or maybe I’ve finally completely lost it.

Good thing you didn't see my ex-MC! (Or wait, maybe you do!) And you'd like my T--he has great socks!

Dear T,
Trying to decide how I feel about all the stuff you shared that came out of the consulting group about the stone...Possibly a little sorry I asked, or that you gave so much detail? I don't know...
Also, somewhat related to our topic 2 sessions ago--did you have to use the word "penetrate" (and "penetrate the barrier") so many times when talking about one part of that???
I meant it though when I said I felt more secure with you lately, so the stone seemed less necessary. Just hoping that holds...
Oh and glad you'll only be away 2 days in a few weeks instead of the full week. And that you have no 3- or 4-week vacations planned. (Whoa, that's really creepy that the singer in the song that's on here said "vacation" just as I was typing that word...)

--LT