Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

I don't think I can live without you.

idk if I should even go tmrw. what will happen this week. you'll prob sit too close to me again and I'll be paranoid n shut down and quiet and you'll get frustrated and then I leave rly fast

T1 & T2,

I have basically nothing left to handle this with.
Just nothing.
It's like drowning in quicksand.
So, so sorry I ever got involved.
Why did I ever think this could be something good, or even ok.

Dear T

I am so glad you ended up being my T. It’s a welcome surprise that we get along so well. But as ideal as our T-Client relationship is, it’s still all so difficult and unbearable. When is it going to get easier? I thought having a T you click with would alleviate this every day pain, but it’s still there and very much present.

I cried so much today I think you'd be proud of me. But now I have a headache from the crying.

Dear ex-t: I guess it's indicative of how strong our therapeutic relationship was that part of me wishes you could somehow help me process the loss of it. That's a crazy thought I know, especially since I am the one who left. But I miss it, deeply. At the same time, I look back on our almost 7 years 'together' with a smile and a heart filled with gratitude. No, my life is not perfect now. And neither am I. But I am happier, stronger, and more resilient than I ever was before I first sat on your couch.

That car accident on 7/6? Just for example. Prior to our work together, I know what my reaction would have been without a doubt. I would have been a blubbering mess, gotten a room by the airport for the night and called the airline to change my ticket and flown back home the next day. Instead, I dealt with the police and the tow company and called my friends where I'd been headed and had them come pick me up and went on with my plans and had a fabulous time with my friends, and then a really really good visit with my mom and sister, even having a very healing conversation with my mother that has been very, very long overdue. None of that would have happened before therapy - I would have just scrapped it all and come back home.

Overall I'm handling the loss of "us" pretty well, I think. But it's still a process. I had a bit of a panic attack yesterday because I suddenly realized I should have checked with the rental car company to make sure they got their vehicle back on 7/9 (they weren't able to accept it back on the day of the accident because the manager wasn't there or some dumb reason) but I didn't even think about verifying that until yesterday and when I called they were already closed. I was in a proper freak-out about it. But I thought about you and how you would say "you have the tools to deal with this" and I realized that I did, and I used them, and I got through it and I was okay!

And yeah the email I sent you last Sunday - well, that was more of me processing the loss of our relationship. I wanted to feel the comfort of connecting with you after the accident. So I emailed you and asked about my sand tray pictures. I didn't mention the accident, like a dummy, it would have made a lot more sense if I had, but whatever. I guess I figured if I had, you would think I was asking for therapy by email which I am perfectly aware that you do not do. I didn't think you would respond in any case, and of course you did not. I understand why. I'm still going to call you tomorrow though to ask you to email the pictures to me. I don't want to come in and get them in person, because that would not be helpful.

I need an instruction manual for getting over the loss of what was such a hugely important and special relationship in my life. I feel a little ashamed that I am feeling this way when I am the one that initiated our ending. Like I don't have a right to miss you, to miss our relationship, because I'm the one that ended it. Basically, because I did this to myself maybe? Eh I don't know.

I'm finding my way through this time though, using the knowledge that I learned in therapy with you, and finding myself again apart from you. You're the best, you know. You were the exactly perfectly right therapist for me at this time in my life and I am so very grateful.

Apparently, once I start crying, I can't stop.

I love you so, so much. If only I could show you. If only my love could heal you.

From now on, everything good that I do in this world is for you. Everything bad is on me. Every mistake is my own. But everything I do right, every act that makes the world a slightly better place, I do for you. Because I couldn't have done anything without you.

I've always been smart, but before you my life was a disaster. My whole life, a failure. Only now am I able to make a difference. And it's only because of you.

Tonight I will cry. Tomorrow I'll be strong. I'll do all the work and more. And I'll do it for you.

My clients sometimes thank me. But, really, they should thank you. Because I couldn't have done any of this without you.

I trust you too much, T. And I obviously said too much. So I think you blame me and I regret my trust.

T it is really unfortunate you don't have an earlier time slot available.
What terribly useless words for me to use.
It is very "unfortunate".
I am -just- containing a howling.

I so wish you had an earlier timeslot.

'Containing a howling' - perfect words, Amy.

-

This is the beginning of the fourth week...I'm reminded of what SL said, perhaps the only useful thing he came out with in our ~6 months of working together.

'What is repressed comes out sideways.'

The out here is me yelling into the void whilst I'm doing my workout.

Trusting you is going to be harder after this...because your absence exposes gaping holes in my support system. I need listeners, not fixers.


Damn right I want to be heard, after three weeks of hell.

You're on vacation for 10 f-ing days and I FINALLY MAKE IT to the day when you get back, and you cancel day of?

F*** you.

I know that we could work this rupture out too, but the truth is right now I don't want to. The idea of you being away doing things with other people doesn't "horrify" me.

Maybe I just want to prove that I can survive an extra two weeks without you.

And, not that you're going to ask, but I'm not even a little ok.
I'm taking you up on seeing you tomorrow, but I hate you and don't f***ing want to come.

Dear T,

Productivity land is good. Glad to be finishing 1 of 2.5 work projects before I am free for 2+ months. I salivate at the idea of putting these things to rest. Intentionality works.

I'm " friends"on Instagram with your wife's ex husband (weird circumstances) he posted a pic of you and the twins in the Appalachian trail

ok so yeh it's weird cuz why am I seeing this. but it's ok cuz now I know where you were. but it's not ok cuz u were in the woods again. with the bears.

You're not allowed in the woods anymore

I'm nervous about calling you in a couple hours. I don't know if I want you to answer or if I am hoping for your voice mail.

Dear T,
I'd normally be on my way to your office right now. Miss you, but doing OK. I think your response to my initial e-mail on Friday made me feel more secure because I haven't felt the need or even really desire to e-mail you since then (aside from the extremely brief "thanks.") Hope you're having a good break/trip and see you around this time in 2 days.
Fondly,
LT

That stinks!!!

I get so mad bc they have cancellation policies etc and read in meaning to when we miss. If your T has a cancellation policy of 24 or 48 ours then you should get a free session.

I like Monday evenings because I remember there is less than 48 hours until I see you.

ok well thank you for at least asking how I was feeling about the cancellation. and for being so sorry. and for the reassurance to the little parts that you're there and care. that helps even if it doesn't make it all better.

Dear t,



-Butterfly

I agree with this! Not that I would have the guts to say that to my t.

Well, I got your voice mail and left a message saying I'd try back another time. Thanks for calling me back... I look forward to going through the pictures of my sand trays and talking about them and also to setting a termination date and working towards that proper-like so we don't leave any loose ends like my sudden departure 3+ weeks ago did. I realized after my panic attack this weekend that I messed up leaving like that.

And yes, I will remember what I said.