Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

For some reason I am more relaxed now. I have been weeks without seeing you already but I am so much stronger and I trust you in ways I never thought is possible.

I feel like s***

I have SO much to tell you. SO much! But you're not my friend. I have to keep reminding myself you're not my friend. If I reach out to you, it's as my therapist. And I don't need a therapist to listen to these things, I want a pal who knows me well to hear these things. So I'll keep my mouth shut and go for another run. Ugh.

Dear T,
I felt like you were really kind of normalizing my issues today and making me feel like I'm doing the best I can. How it's no different than if I had a physical illness/injury. Thank you for that. And I am curious as to how you'd have responded the BPD non-question, but wasn't entirely sure I wanted know the answer, to know how you thought of me, so I just let that go.
Love,
LT

it's so hot. unbearable. I hate summer

Dear t,

Why are you encouraging me to do things such as retraining my brain on my own? You said you are just doing talk therapy, why not do CBT or DBT or something? I don't understand you sometimes.

-Butterfly

Hey. There's a CoDA meeting not far from me this weekend. I might check it out. Might. After reading some more on their website.

I do not want to talk finances anymore there. That subject is now off limits.

Looking forward to your holiday being over and things are back to normal. I also hate still being dependent on you, but that’s how it is..

ugh, t! i hope monday's appt goes well. i wonder if you are wondering how today went? its too long/not finished, so it will just have to wait until i see you.

I am acutely aware of the fact that my new responsibilities are going to limit when I'm able to see you. I'm not sure that it matters, really. I'm never going to get better.

I'm still mildly upset with you as well. You violated my boundaries.

Hi t,

Since you suggested that I might actually have that, my brain is flooding me with random feelings amd memories... I haven’t been laying awake that often/long in years.
It’s probably a good thing in theory, but I don’t like it... and you’re gonna go on vacation in a week and leave me alone with this crap...

Do you really promise that you will come back?

Don't dare write about me. You are the definition of cruel.

Dear t,

Thanks for being angry with me yesterday when I told you I found some other therapists that only listed heterosexual clients under populations served. And thanks for not being mad I am looking for therapy elsewhere.

-Butterfly

Feeling the lightness of making choices that are right for me, just in this day. It's like I'm negotiating with different parts of myself, but the outcome feels like my whole self, no matter how less than perfect the day may go. What I need and what I have to do seem more at the forefront today, and I am less overwhelmed by what I "must" do.

Hi T. This week has been long, but also weirdly shut down. I basically am in bed 95% of the time I am not at work. I don't even really WANT to drink, but am...because i have nothing else to do.

I am such a weirdo. I am terrified that I actually will qualify and go to this place, but also am equally scared that I WON'T, and will just throw back in my face that I am FINE and need to get over myself.

But mostly....I am empty.

You know you're really missing half of the picture because you don't know my h. And you aren't a marriage counselor anyway. But I do appreciate that you are on my side. I just didn't really find it helpful that you called him a bad provider and stuff. Don't attack him anymore ok? It's not helpful.

Can you say, "outmoded gender model"?

ugh me too
bed... work.. bed.. work..

Let me know what's going on sometime soon? Or at least when you're hoping to be back?

A little communication would be really helpful...in an unambiguous way. Knowing that you'll 'be in touch' isn't really helping.

i luv my baby boby

I just can't figure her out sometimes.....

I only want you and nobody else.

Dear T,

Time feels especially fleeting and elusive today. I wonder why that happens? If I were having a productive and intentional morning, I'd say it is flow. This seems more like the opposite. Righting that now, however.

I have made my decision. Assuming you are still willing and available, and have not lost your patience with me completely, I want to do the weekly for 3 months thing. We have to cap it off at 3 months though. That's what I want. Please still be willing to do this. Although I will understand if you just want to wash your hands of me. I'm a mess.


But I admit I am a mess. Does that mean there's hope for me? haha