Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Dear T,

Saw my doctor this morning and she is sending me for a CT scan. I hope this doesn't mess up our schedule.

-Butterfly

I'm actually getting really excited about diving back in. We do good work together, t. Let's do this.

Lots to talk about tomorrow T. I was really unsettled by something today. We need to start talking about my mother.

You hurt my feelings so much today by saying you had too much paperwork to do before 9am to read the topic for today, so I should tell you and you’d put the email
in the trash. For weeks now I’ve been mindfully focusing on the gifts of your reliability , and working to accept how dogmatic you are compared to some T’s here and the cool , hip somatic experiencing T with whom I “ cheat “ on you but of course do not love.

Hanging on grimly
Much of the time, without words
Where is safety now?

Hello my dear

I'm struggling with this..

I’m so tired of being treated like I don’t exist - at best

Maybe I really don’t exist

I wish I didn’t exist

:-(

I have decided I'm wearing a disguise Thursday. I'm so embarrassed to see you.

Usual mixture of anxious and excited to see you tomorrow. Be your kind lovely self.

you're a ****ing piece of ****

Damn you T
You were just a bad therapist

I'm nervous and embarrassed about the first few minutes of seeing you Thursday but then I'm also excited to be starting on a whole different level. As a wise PC-er put it I'm back on the same elevator but will be getting off on a different floor! Remember that dream I had it's been quite awhile of us waiting for an elevator in an open field? Yeah, we're back in that field again. I get these moments of wondering "what am I doing, I'm still feeling fine like I am I don't need more therapy" but then I realize "well no, actually I'm not, my marriage could be a whole lot better so maybe I do" and I'm probably just feeling good because I know I have 3 more months with you and I clearly see all the pretending I do on the outside. Yeah. So many layers of protection I have around me like I said before both physical layers of extra weight (about half as much extra as there had been now) and the emotional protection of my tears and stuff. I see it so clearly right now. I don't want to go through the rest of my life so thickly protected. I mean we all need some protection but mine is a fort knox times about a thousand still. You see through it though, you break through it, you meet me inside those layers somehow. I love you for that. Let's get this party started again for reals. As nervous and embarrassed as I am to see you, I'm excited as hell about it too.

Bring on Thursday!!!

maybe we need a break from one another.

this will be the worst and longest 2 weeks of my life. i already feel like offing myself.

Please don't!

I feel like it but I'd never do that to my dog. It's just thoughts. I seriously am debating going back at all though. I feel so hurt and betrayed, last minute notice on this and no contact at all? Nightmare

PrevT,

Watching frontline and am brought around again to questions and feelings I have about AbusivePDoc.

I don’t remember you calling the intimacies (whether agreed to or forced) rape. I remember you calling it sexual exploitation.

Was it rape?
That’s what I said no to. But he forced me to do it!

Does that make it not rape? Did you tell anyone, like a policemen or my civil lawyer or the DAG that I was raped?
K
That’s why I thought you were mad when you put the pen down. I thought you were thinking ‘she was raped.’ But you changed your mind when I said ‘I was sorta proud I could do it.’ You never asked me anything about the details after that.

I told him I wouldn’t do that and he seemed to agree with me.

If you don’t think it was rape, why? Is it because it might not fit the legal definition of rape? Is there a legal definition of rape? Did I ruin your opportunity to tell anyone else I was raped? Did I ruin the opportunity to get AbusivePdoc charged with rape by telling you ‘I was sorta proud I could do it?’ Why wasn’t he charged with rape?

If I hadn’t said ‘no,’ and we did everything we did....would it have still been rape because I was his patient?

I still feel guilt and shame and confusion and I don’t know if it’s my fault you didn’t report it as rape. I still don’t know what to call what happened to me.

It’s not like someone jumped out of the dark on a side street and tore off my clothes and raped me.

How can both scenarios be called ‘rape?’

That's a question for the lawyers. The important thing for therapy is how you feel about it.

You were forced by violence into a sex act to which you had given a clear refusal. You have every right to feel violated.

Pre, it meets legal definition in my country. However legal definitions can vary a lot. My country's law says men can't be raped by women (bad wording on the law) but we know that's not reality.

You were forced into a sexual act you didn't enthusiastically consent to, that's rape.

Two more sessions with you before you leave, and i'm scared that you won't come back.

M.

Denial didn’t make it into that cone of silence container.

Here’s some tears for ya.

The numbing agent helps to let them loose.

Ya know, I did matter then and I do matter now.

I believe that I’ll stay really busy.

I hope you have a great trip next week.

I will miss you.

Trail.

Was it at that point that you realised i wasnt with you. that was bizarre.

I want to know all the details of your trip just to make sure there is no danger but i feel this would be intrusive but i cant stand not knowing.

When you get back, we need to talk about alternative support mechanisms.
It's been two weeks since your colleague got in touch, and I haven't heard from you.
The end of this week pretty much brings us to August, the land of the three week break...

What the hell am I supposed to do?