Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

'I want a little bit of everything
The biscuits and the beans
Whatever helps me to forget about
These things that brought me to my knees...'

Observation: things always seem to get harder when you're unavailable.

No puppy dogs and candy floss here...

Hi T. How are you? Miss you. 72 hours already. I'm glad you're back.

The objects and art you surround yourself with in your office space really speak to me. I am dying to know how they impact your own life and if these things actually are an indication of your lifestyle choices. I badly wish to be included in them.

Doctor said I have a hematoma and abscess or something and presribed some meds. I missed work on Friday and I'm going to miss work tomorrow.
I feel weak because I havent' eaten since Thursday. And I can still barely talk, I can't eat etc. But I'm not sure, should I cancel our session on Tuesday? I guess yes? But I don't want to

Thinking of you. Seeing you tomorrow. I'm kind of stressed about it - mostly because well it's only going to be an hour and I have about a lifetime worth of stuff I want to do/share. I want you to be my playmate, my mommy, and my T - will you be able to keep up with me?

I've thought about writing you a letter, just in case, you know - something bad happens. I want you to know that if something bad happens, I didn't do it on purpose - it would be just an accident. And I want to tell you how much you have changed my life.

I know you will not have done anything for me, I didn't ask for something so why would you have. For once, why couldn't you just ... well, I know, not the way this works.

Love you.

awww
made me think of you

I am calm me right now. I just watched t.v. over the weekend. I found a new crime show on Hulu called Panic911 and it's very intense and a great distraction.

I did it!!! I took care of that thing I've been avoiding forever that makes me really really anxious that we agreed I'd deal with. I can't wait to tell you. I want you to be proud of me.
Would it be inappropriate for me to tell you when I see you at the IOP when it's not my session? Not talk about it in depth but just say "I did it" and you'd know what I meant. I usually avoid even making eye contact when I see you outside my session, but I don't want to have to wait until Friday to tell you.

Dear T,
I'm kinda worried that you canceled my Monday session since I scheduled for this past Friday. But...in the past, you've said something like "confirming Friday and canceling Monday." So I'm probably just being paranoid. But if you could respond to my e-mail and confirm, I'd feel better. The thought of sitting in your waiting room, then your coming out and retrieving someone else and saying to me, "I thought we'd canceled?" just seems way too painful.
Hope to see you tomorrow,

LT

Dawes . . . great band, takes me back. They used to open for Bob Dylan. Far better, although Bob is one of a kind and his band is amazing.

Apologies for bombing into your post with T irrelevant stuff.

Dear T,

I remember telling you four years ago after he died that I wasn't ready to experience joy yet. Now I gaze at it straight on, like it is the sun. I sat in my garden today in between digging the last plantings of the season, filling in some space. The butterflies and the dragonflies and the hummingbirds and other pollinators buzzed and swarmed and flitted all around me, and I felt joy and happiness and the most grounding contentment. I can't believe that I can help create this kind of loveliness. Of course, other than looking at the boy.

I know I'm encouraged to write to you even while you are away, but I feel like I shouldn't. I also feel like you are gone...like gone for forever. You told me that you wanted me to remind myself that you were coming back, and I am, but it doesn't FEEL like you are coming back.

I'm really really sad that I don't see you tomorrow... or the next day or the next day or the next day or so many days... It hurts. I miss you.

hey I know I did some crazy ish with those pills but I'm excited to see you tomorrow after I canceled my last session

I really, REALLY want to text you. I feel like I am going to disappear.

T, it feels like EONS since i saw you last. A staycation isn't really great for my mental health.

Dear T,
Thanks for confirming and for the smiley.
LT

Oh. My. God.

I was looking up your new address and I found the info for your other job. I knew due to your availability that you had another job, and that never bothered me, but not the point. You work for the same agency that RoboT did. If you've been working there for any length of time, not only would you know RoboT, but he would likely have been your supervisor.

When am I going to learn to not look up things before bed? I'm now properly freaking out.

I want you to love me like a parent.

Hi L. Thank you for encouraging me to have that talk with my mom. It was not easy for me to say that stuff but I did it.

I love you and I miss you, you know.

Your comforting, calming presence (even via text) would help a lot right now.

I'm exhausted.

I didn't cancel our session
I know you hate dental stories, so brace yourself

That's crazy! RoboT is his supervisor?

Possibly in the past. RoboT retired from the agency that T currently works at a couple of years ago. That's why it'd depend on timing. When RoboT was at that clinic he was a senior supervisor. There's a decent amount of speculation here, and quite a bit of transference. But it's enough that I've had 4 hours of sleep, took a PRN for anxiety, and am still freaking out.

I also would freak out, but I seems like there is a solid chance they missed each other or never talked about you. Are you going to ask hm or let it rest?