Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Hey ex-t, yesterday evening marked a week since we said goodbye. I haven't had any "what have I done" moments. I had a long, weird dream last night that I would have enjoyed working on with you, but I know I can work with it myself, so I will! My dream work has become a habit that will not stop just because we did.

I'm really glad you brought up the stuff you did last month, that we finally spent some time with that elephant in the room that we both ignored for too long. It was what I needed to help me realize I was ready to leave.

You're the best. Thank you.

I love you.

"So I fall in love just a little, oh, little bit
Everyday with someone new."

I hope you're okay

unfortunately

Another Friday blow off... this is sure helping my trust issues.... I get it, I'm annoying and you are sick of me but stop agreeing to **** you don't intend to follow through on. I am so broken right now. Who can I trust in this world?

I love you so much. I miss you and I'm glad you're home. I want to show you that one thing i did but I guess it can wait. Miss you lots.

I'm starting to understand your POV more complexly and more accurately, or maybe I just understand therapy better the way you do it.

Seeing T2 a bit, who is opposite you in many ways, gives a useful juxtaposition . Today a supportive sweet unsolicited email from T2 saying he is proud of me showed up at the same time as your online bill receipt- within 60 seconds.

You are a follower of rules, rules of thumb, habits of mind, theory, philosophic rules, codes of conduct. You do care, but you are a believer in caring that reminds everyone involved that life has limits, people have limits, and never wavering . You even have a rule of how close you will get to any client ( 3 feet!!!). T2 hugs. T2 once nabbed an ant climbing on the couch behind me with no warning. He doesn't know my history.

I am struggling, and you say you embrace what's messy all the more because of the lines you keep clean, and I believe you. Tears spring into my eyes when I think about how important a present you are in my life now, but also how enigmatic. You will always to the right thing, even when it is hardest. I haven't experienced many of those people in my life. The problem is if there will be enough glue to hold us together, bc I am not someone without outside relationships and social support- and I think you are pretty stingy at going care, grounding and working on the Theraputic alliance- unconditional regard isn't your touchstone . I respect you, but you have lost my love and my trust is right on some tightrope line. I trust you the important ways- confidentiality? check. Uphold professional role? Check. But if I quit Tuesday, would you think of me again? Do you write notes, consult, and regard private practice as semi retirement at a young age? There is that possibility. Right now you are at the beach or on the ferry, and it is a work day for most of us. Your kids are late-in-life kids, and maybe you are flying a kite with them, nothing furthest from your mind than work. I don't trust you to be as serious about your job as the DX you sprung on me requires. Saying that, you never miss sessions, and I think that is your way of being there, being committed and steadfast, and you want all those sessions to add up to the kind of love you do have to give, though not the kind requested. life has limits.

Mixed feelings. Right here. I show up too all those sessions too, but it worries me I need enough more to get therapy for therapy- well therapy that focused on somatic mindfulness to try and master calm, to match your calm with mine, since you won't teach it to me yourself.

please...

I just want to cuddle you all sesion next week. Snuggle up on your sofa and feel protected and safe.

My baby's sick and I'm sick too. I'm trying to sleep but I feel dreadful. I wish you were here to hold my hand, at least until I nodded off.

Ok, now I feel bad, you were very sweet with apologizing for falling asleep. I think we will be ok but I still wish you were a better communicator, it's so hard on me...

I hope you don't try to read into what I've done more than it needs to be. I'm choosing to live instead of exist. I don't want to spend time discussing something trivial.

Teeee 😭

dear soon-to-be-former-t,

i haven't heard from you yet--you must still be out of the country taking care of your mom. i know you need to be there for her. but i wish that having to take care of your mom didn't mean that you can't be here to take care of me.

-c

You are wrong about everything and you can't help. I won't let you.

su*c*de tw

My life went from bad, to worse. Why?? So you could feel better about yourself?

hey ex-t, did I ever tell you how grateful I am specifically for helping me learn how to work with my dreams? I'm sure I did. But I'ma say it again here. Thank you SO much for teaching me the art of dream work. Well, yeah I suppose I had it inside me all along the talent for it and you helped me hone that... much appreciated this morning because I had a dream last night that in the past I would have classified as a nightmare but you always said, nightmares are usually our psyche trying to get our attention, and this one certainly was and I saw that right away upon waking this morning. And as I briefly re-entered the dream while showering I knew what it was telling me. I love working with my dreams.

A selfish therapist is not a good therapist.

what would my life look like today if I had never told about former t

I kind of need you right now.

I'm depressed as fck

Whaycha doing?