Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Pre, I think if it was an act you didn't consent to, that was rape. Or at least sexual assault (not sure if they have different definitions). I'm so sorry that happened to you...

I'm scared to see you

what are you gonna say

I don't feel very well.

Why do you have to lash out at me. You want me to be honest. The PUs were liars. I never was a liar and you know that, damn you You don’t want me to keep it all inside... at least you said you didn’t. And then you lash out at me over and over again. and abandon me. Ouch

How am I supposed to freakin move forward to your schedule when you’ve intentionally harmed me.

Dear T,

Digging into the history that makes me me and the choices that will define me in the future. That's what I want for today's session. Looking forward to it.

P.S. T, I decided I am no longer open to receive other people's projections. Closed for that business.

Hi t I'm Artie and I'm co-dependent. (I realized this morning that I'm that with you too, not just w h and who knows who else.)

Ugh...

I'm up to my neck in grief. It's getting harder to put a brave face on it. Where the hell are you?

Dear T,

If you were still here, I would have asked you.

thank you for meeting with me and for your honesty

For some reason I miss you so much tonight I could be sick.

There was a TV programme just on with a person who sunmed up my life completely, I’m desperate to email you and ask if you watched it. If you did, did that person remind you of me, are you thinking about me? I miss you so bloody much right now.

OK, I'm now thinking this will incorporate the August break...but it would be nice to have some kind of confirmation.

Sorry I came to you. Maybe I should disappear from your life.

Dear t,

I was looking forward to seeing you tomorrow but just realized my appointment is actually Friday morning instead of Thursday evening. Feeling like I need you this week so it stinks I've got to wait longer. Oh well, see you Friday.

-Butterfly

I miss you so much. Thank you for the longer hug yesterday. I wish it didn't have to end.

I feel like a huge disappointment. Though, I would rather not. As usual, I don't know what you are thinking about me. I'm thinking that I am a major disappointment to other people. I don't know what I know. I don't know what is real. I'm afraid to pontificate in fear that I will totally misunderstand something. Hence the self-doubt. Hence the not understanding who I am. I am such an oddity. Has anything changed, or are things still the same?

EDITED for UPDATE:
Thank you for texting me back, as you always do. I think I've texted you maybe a billion two times including this afternoon's text. I appreciate your patience and your remarkable due diligence (that's not expected but majorly appreciated) in helping me feel safe by responding in a consistently consistent, kind, empathic manner. I am just so, so thankful. . .

T, you really have gone above and beyond for me lately. Thank you SO much for trying to get me in on Friday, knowing how hard this is for me.

Oh and T, I feel RIDICULOUS that i told you i slept with stuffed animals as a grown arse adult.

I sleep with a teddy bear if it makes you feel any better.

So do I.

I used to snuggle sometimes with a stuffed elephant I associated with ex-MC. And I very occasionally do with a different stuffed animal (okapi--sort of like a deer) that I associate with current T, but he doesn't need to know that!

why do I feel like you hate me

I feel like all I do is frustrate or bore you.
I don't know how to make it better.

I sleep with the stuffed animal dog I've had since I was 2.

yeah, but did you all TELL your T's about it?!

Not only did I tell her, I brought blackie (said stuffed dog's name since forever) in to meet her. She talked to him and said "nice to meet you".