Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

I know you just want me to kick j out. But I just can't. He'll be all alone with his mind telling him lies. Probably get on heroin. I just cant! And my family will be pissed...

I'm disappointed that you cancelled on me today. Again. I'm angry that you're not available. And I'm worried that you're not taking care of yourself.

T. Who do I talk to when I have no one?

Duchess

I hate it when you push, but I need it so keep doing it, okay?

Ellah

I miss you tomorrow.

(and i kinda miss you but i'm not really admitting that to myself much)

I hope you're feeling okay. I love you so much!

It's alright to miss someone who had an important place in your life, it doesn't mean your decision to leave was wrong, but you can miss her anyway. God knows I missed T1 for long enough. It was still the right decision to leave. I think it's important to acknowledge that the feelings are valid.

Thank you for never hurting me.

You have taught me to accept my emotions, and I am doing so. I don't have issues with anyway I feel at anytime. I would have a problem if I started to do more than just verbalize how I feel. Like if I was angry at you, I would just accept it as so. Or if I felt different emotions over time, i would accept it as just being . Now if I acted on the feeling. it would go totally against who I fully am as a person.


The Problem enters when I am using my seeing things in two channels. When I was talking about a show we were watching and you asked what it was, and I told you (and I just told you but what I said isn't what I believe happened in the story.)


The fact that I brought up this movie horrifies me. What does it mean? Is this really a part of me? Did I really bring that up for a reason, or did I just tell you because you asked, and that it was, in fact what my h and I were watching. But the part of me that always feels quilt felt guilty about this, as if I would ever want this to happen to anyone. So, intellectually, I think this is some kind of self-torture. For me to constantly worry that I am some horrible psychopath that I don't think I am. I hope this makes sense. I hope you understand when I talk to you about this.


This really saddens me. Am I a psychopath or not?

Awhile ago, I said a Freudian slip. And that word emerged. Now I see it everywhere and am ashamed by it. When you said it was teenagerish, I was devastated, it felt horrible. I'm sorry.

T

Please take care...
I love you

I always make people push me away. Always. I feel devastated. I keep trying but I feel dejected and about as low as I've been. I don't know what is real or what I am reading on a different level. I am in no way doing this on purpose, in fact, when I find out what something else might mean, I'm horrified. I honestly don't know what is real, or what any of this means. I am really afraid but I feel like a horrible person and am trying to figure out who I actually am.

I hope I make it through this.

Gonna have to be honest with you when we next meet. There's part of me that wants to pretend this was fine...but it really wasn't.

Thanks. You're right, of course. I think I kinda knew that somewhere inside me and that's why I put it here in black and white (even though it was in tiny letters haha) it was me reminding myself that my feelings are valid. She was a very important person in my life for going on 7 years. Of course I miss her. And I've decided I'm ok with that.

(I think you hit the nail on the head all the way around - I also see now that I was afraid that if I admitted that I miss her, then that would mean I was wrong to leave. But I wasn't. Thank you for that. So much.)

I'm lonely and I need hugs.
And I want to kiss you on the cheek. I know it's impossible... I know I'll never tell you. I also know I'm not "bad" because of my feelings or fantasies, but I feel guilty anyway.

Maybe I want to kiss you just because I'm drinking again. Lol. Cheers... I hope you had a nice day.

Also, it sucks not to be responded to.

Be careful out there in the woods. I wouldn't want you to get lost.

I need to stop this right now. This hoping I'll hear from you today for my bday. I can be so stupid sometimes, sheesh!

(I still can wish, though. I guess I don't want to feel like you've already forgotten all about me or something. But I'm the one who left. I guess I do have some feelings I need to process about leaving - as positive of an ending as it was, there's some grief at ending such a healing, positive, challenging in a good way relationship.

Perhaps I should have waited to do so until after my birthday, though. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that.

I miss you.)

It's easier not to feel at all than to feel everythingallatonce....

Next week, please?

I don't have anyone else to talk to, T. So I guess I'll talk to you. Why do I have no one to talk to? Well, it's a holiday and no one really cares about me. I guess I was triggered by posting about our session. And even when I reach out and bear my soul, no one hears me. Why would they? I'm nothing.

Daisy, I heard you about your mom, and it made me think about you trying to become a mom. I related with you bc though I have a different story, it resonates on the same themes.

I felt closer to you than I have by far. Maybe it's because we talked about the really hard stuff today like my suicidal thoughts.You were softer, kinder and more gentle. I felt like you did care whilst I sat and cried buckets and buckets in front of you.

But here's the thing I can't stand you being nice to me. It makes me want to run away from you and tell you "we're not working out". That you're smothering me and I need space.

ETA: Stupid comments about depression and suicide.

I sent you a PM Daisy.

I’m not going to email you, I have nothing to say. And some small part of me thinks you might miss me if I don’t email you, and maybe you’ll check in with me, just to see if I’m still alive. But you won’t, you don’t really care, who am I again?

I can't sleep because of therapy in the morning. I feel like I can't take this anymore. The cycle of anticipation and sleepless nights and then sinking into depression and agitation straight after. Is this really worth it? Will you really be able to help me? And I need to make my confession about stalking you but I don't know if I'll be able to. If I won't I will feel like the whole session is wasted.