Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

I move between longing for you and resenting my feelings towards you at an alarming rate. No rest from it.

When you do what's good for me, it sometimes hurts. Like a lot. I care about you more than you could ever care about me. But thank you for the fantasy.

Hopeful that you'll contact me tomorrow to schedule as soon as possible. This unscheduled interruption has been very hard on me...although I am sure it's been worse for you.

Today was a good day. I shared this with you via email but I’m scared you’ll be angry with me for contacting you. Please don’t hate me, I’m sorry I bothered you. I’m sorry I ever came into your life.

I hated our session today. And now I feel like I hate you. Or maybe that's too strong a word. I resent you and you've got no idea. I felt like you stayed distant and tried to set boundaries. I thoroughly felt that you will never love or care about me like I need you to. That leaves me feeling broken, abandoned and in so much pain. I will try to stop thinking about you. I need to distance myself from you so it won't hurt this much anymore.

I wanted to kiss you so much at the end of the session today. Is it any wonder though, you were constantly stroking your lips I sometimes wonder if you're teasing me, and if so is it conscious or unconscious?

I felt shy with you today. I feel the pressure (my own) to show up in a vulnerable way, but somehow I still don't know what to say. I was sad to have not been able to see you earlier this week, but didn't feel ok saying that. When will I stop self-censoring?

are you feeling better?

Dear T,
I hate myself so much right now. And you contributed to that significantly.
LT

Stop thinking what you're thinking. You're wrong. You know nothing!

I hate being me. I really do. I don't know or understand myself. I deserve to be isolated from the population in general so I don't destroy everything. I appreciate your kindness but feel like I'm not worthy of it. All of my emotions are stuck and I just want to cry for weeks and just let it all out. Reading things on different channels is something I don't understand. I no longer know which me is me. Am I a kind me, or something else? I don't know if I am psychotic but I do know that things are horrifying me. I feel like giving up.

I'm really scared for next week, but thank you for offering to be there for me if I need you. I hope I can make it through this without passing out

I really don't know how you could do this to me and live with yourself.

sui TW

Dear L:

I may have identified 2 loose ends this evening as I wait for the drier to shut off so I can fold the clothes. We never looked at the pictures of my sand trays as a whole. And hey - whatever happened to one day you would give me the pictures? I think I want them.

And. I'm going to have that talk with my Mom that we discussed while I'm visiting back there over the next 5 days. I'm going to want to tell you about how it goes.

I think I'm probably going to ask for a one-off session just to go over this stuff. I haven't decided yet. I look at the little owl you gave me and I think about you. I can't help it. You knew when you chose that, that I associate owl with you.

Part of me wants to come back and never leave, that part of me that knows what a special and healing therapeutic relationship ours was. Most of me is glad that I left because it just was time. Stupid conflicting emotions. I wish I knew what you thought about me leaving.

As I've proven this year at work, I continue to hold myself to the same moral highground that I have been. However, a ton of guilt is always sitting in waiting, in case I veer from my path OR in case somebody else thinks I have veered (regardless of if I have or not). The fact is, that I haven't.

I've fully learned that my emotions are just that, emotions, not facts. Nobody can blame me for how I feel, only if I take those feelings an enact them, like if I inappropriately send my anger in someone's direction, etc. Nothing is new with me, I know how to deal with my inner feelings, whatever feelings may come to pass.


My guilt/shame is surfacing due to having my feelings be known by others.

This is a nightmare. I am really just trying to be me. I have accepted various feelings (anger, frustration, etc.) for quite awhile. I do know what I am doing

Why do I prefer to talk to you about emotional matters?

There's no judgement. There's no assumption that I've brought something into the room that shouldn't be there. (That's other people...and dammit, we need to talk about that.)

I need to exhale, and soon.

TW: sex related things

yes I'm doing better, thank you

Pain is killing me, I can't swallow and I have a fever. I should go to a dentist again, but I can't even open my mouth lol. So I can't eat or talk. I'm just lying here and hating myself.
I'm afraid I'll have to cancel our session on Tuesday.

Dr. Jekyll is never coming back, is he? You're going to be Mr. Hyde from now on...

You hate me. Join the club. I hate me too.

Are you ok? I understand of course if you don't want to answer that, but it's hard for me not to worry. Selfishly, perhaps.

don't b shocked when I show up w my hair dyed lol

OK, not today, then...hope you realise that I have everything crossed that I will hear from you on Tuesday. The more time passes, the more likely I am going to explode...and end up lashing out at those around me, who really don't deserve this.

Hope it's OK to reply to this. I don't think that survey is particularly accurate--maybe people were lying on it to suggest they had sex more often than they do? Not to be TMI, but for me, it's like once a month...Even before we had our daughter, maybe...twice a month? Sure, some have more some less, but I really doubt 10-19 times is anywhere close to typical...