Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Dear T,

I think I've figured out the prototype of some of the things I chase after in life, those that distract me from work or my creative project, and it always seems to come down to places or people that are the underdogs, or the side opposite the powerful and privileged who are attempting to run over the underdog. I don't think these are bad things, or bad values, but the problem is like no matter the context, it is like rolling a stone uphill. And the side effect is all the tricks the powerful and privileged play, I'm so old that I see the same narrative actions all the time. It makes me feel terrible. So what are my choices? 1. Opt out of these things, the people and the issues, and never be part of anything but myself; 2. Feel less bad about what's to be expected, which is that the little people get squashed and the powerful get everything they want; or 3. Limit my participation to the level of tolerance so it doesn't impact my life so very much; or 4) admit I'm an idiot who is going to be roped into every battle where the people in power are screwing others over; or 5) ??? None of these options seem very good.

Wait, did you just invent a boundary? Boundaries have to be discussed and agreed between us, dude.

I did contact my landlord. she said she can't be involved and I have to work it out with my roommate. which isn't gonna happen.

also I have to leave because my landlord has decided to put this property on the market to be sold.

BUT I might have already found a place with one of my friends... who I already know and get along with. I found my current roommate in Facebook. we were strangers. never again.

she is on the lease. her boyfriend is not. he doesn't live here but stays here a lot...like days in a row.

I was here first but we are both listed as occupants on the lease

Exactly what my roomie situation too. Agree. Never again

Dear T,
Thanks for confirming that what that guy in college did was wrong. I think that's what I needed to hear you say. Maybe...to know you're not that kind of guy?

I also really appreciate your confirming that I'm not anywhere near the annoying level of e-mailing you. I know I probably seem really obsessed with that topic, but I hope you understand why because of what went down with ex-T and ex-MC. I appreciate your being honest with me.

And I'm glad we didn't delve into any new trauma today, don't think I was quite ready for that, and I think you realized that. (Though in a way, it would be better to do that on a Monday, so then I'd be seeing you in 3 days, rather than 4.)

LT

Ok.
I'm ready.

Oof t. I am so all over the place about therapy. Earlier I wished you'd said no the offer is off the table for the 3 months of weekly thing. At the moment I am glad you said yes and can't wait til Thursday. By then who knows how I'll feel. How's come I can't just decide how I feel? I so hate this war inside me. I thought when the fighting inside stopped the last time, that it wouldn't come back! Damn Sam **** a rug.

It's a never again too for me as well ! I shared a room with someone for two years. The final straw wasn't her stupid 5 am alarms, or the fact that she asked someone I'd invited to leave, but when she also let her boyfriend stay over too ( same room!!) without even asking me first.

I can sooooo relate to this. I would tell my t that i refused to take responsibility for my decisions because it wasnt the true me making them, it was some rando wacko me who felt backed up against a wall with no way out. I didnt need a do-over as much as i needed a start-over. Oh - thats where MY big waste of time came in - my life stopped making sense when i was sixteen and made a bad decision. Instead of just DEALING with what i was feeling. Anyway. Like john lennon says, life is what happens while youre busy making other plans?

Hearing that you will 'be in touch' is no earthly good to me at all. It's like saying 'Trust me'...when you've buggered off for a month, with no indication of when you will be back.

This is un-frigging-believable. Give me some indication...please. Mid-August is a long way away.

I hate you a bit. And love you a bit too. And I don't want to see you, but I do, but really not.

T,

I am SOOO horrified of the situation at work. I think if I would just shut up and not care about being ethical or anything that I would fit right in. I regret doing the sp-called "right thing" because this is going to be all around the gossip chain, and not with a favorable light on me. I don't think I chose to do the right thing for me (although I thought so at the time), because again, I chose to "tell" and I lose everybody and I become the problematic one. I realize I am not in mortal danger, but it sure feels like I am. I have the intense need to disappear. I want to be nothing. I want to be invisible. I want to stop feeling like my life is in constant peril when I am working. I don't see this ending well. I'm not in danger of myself, but I just want to cease to exist.

5) Understand that a sense of social justice is a gift, remember the starfish on the beach story and understand that you change the lives of the few people you can help keep from getting squashed, and try your best to let that be enough so you don’t give up altogether out of exhaustion.

I had a dream once—there were acres of lawn covered in kittens. Something horrible was coming. I was gathering as many as I could, arms full of kittens. I got as many kittens to safety as I could carry. In my dream, that was enough. It was supposed to be enough, that I had done everything in my power to save as many kittens as I could carry. When I woke, I actually cried because I couldn’t save all of the hundreds of kittens. But in my waking life I try to remember that deep dream sense of doing enough, and remind myself that I cannot save all the kittens.

I have that multiple kittens dream sometimes. What is that about?!

You should probably ask toomanycats about that one.

I've been really mad at you for the past two days. I don't know where it came from. I had a dream about something last night that I can't tell anyone about. Nobody knows about (xyz) other than you. That's so frustrating. You don't deserve to know everything about me. You've done nothing to earn my trust.

God i miss you. I wish i could at least get a smile text from you. Sigh

Yo Lulabelle - the biggest problem of me coming weekly is that it makes me want you even MORE. Which if you must know pisses me the hell OFF.

!!!!!!!

I’m glad Lulabelle has caught on.

And yay, sassy art!

(Sassy art is going to stay around for awhile, I think.)

Oh, T. You are so amazing. You came to visit me today, AND asked if I wanted a hug, and you were so excitd that I said I did want one.

I heart you ALOT.

Maybe it's one of those crises that are better faced than continually put off?

(Doh! I'm thinking like a T! I need to remember whose side I'm on...)

What crises? I ain't got no crises.

(And eh, I still love you )

ugh t. I don't see the point in talking about trauma anymore. it's too distressing