[DP_2017]

I think skipping the session and coming in with calm cool goals- Like I have anxious attachment, and I want to feel less scared of abandonment a year from now - might be good?[/QUOTE]

I agree SE. Very good point. Show him he's wrong and you can manage without him if need be. It's weird he even offered a 3rd session but says she has boundary issues. Kinda defeats that imo

[LonesomeTonight]

OK, here's yesterday's session:
T yesterday. When I was in the waiting room, this other woman asked me, "Do you see any of the therapists here? I've been looking for a good one." Me: "Yes, actually, I see one who [door opens to reveal my T] I see him [pointing], Dr. T. And I'd recommend him." T looked slightly puzzled. The woman confirmed his name with me as T bent down in front of me to fill his water cup from the cooler. He then said I could come back. When I sat down, while laughing, I explained what had happened and was like, "Do I get a referral fee?" (no).

I said I'd meant to ask him last session if he'd talked about the stone in his consulting group. T: "Yes, I was trying to figure out a good time to tell you about that, but we were on some other topics last session." Me: "No, that's fine, I just realized after session that you hadn't said anything. If you don't want to share any details that's OK." T: "I don't mind sharing." Me: "OK."

T: "First, I had to give a little background on you to the group, so they could more accurately assess what happened." Me: "Uh OK." T: "I told them how you had some boundary and attachment issues." Me: "You think I have boundary issues?" T: "Yes. You are often very affected by things I say, like they penetrate you in a way they wouldn't for most people." Me: "But I don't think of that as boundary issues, just being sensitive." T: "I would consider it a boundary issue, the letting things affect you, how you let what I or other people say to you penetrate the barrier. So the boundaries aren't as strong." (Me, in my head: "Stop saying 'penetrate'!")

Me: "But I thought setting strong boundaries was like, 'I'm not going to tell my mom about this because I know her reaction won't help me.'" T: "That's a behavior that's related to setting boundaries. But I'm talking about how what people say seems to penetrate and affect you." (Me: "I said stop saying that!") Me: "Um, OK, I guess it's just not what I think of as a boundary. So what did you discuss about the stone?"

I'm trying to recall what exactly T said here. He mentioned some questions that they asked him (I got the sense they spent a fair amount of time discussing it). Like one person asked if the intention had been for me to keep the stone just for the interview and then give it back. And T said (in the group) that we hadn't discussed that. I said to T that I had asked after if I could keep it a bit longer, and he said it was fine. I said my intention had been to hold onto it till I got news from the school, thinking it would take a week or two, not 2 months (which it ultimately did). I said how the note he'd written on the paper, I saw that as being interview-specific. And I reminded him that I'd said if he wasn't comfortable giving me a stone, he could have written note instead. T: "I had forgotten you gave me that option." Me: "And then you ended up doing both, which made me assume you were OK with it."

T: "It also occurred to me during the group--'Why do I have to explain why it makes me uncomfortable? Why isn't it enough to just say it makes me uncomfortable?'" Me: "Um...so you said that to them?" T: "Yes, and they agreed that I shouldn't have to explain to you why it made me uncomfortable." Me: ..."But I just wanted to understand?"

T: "Imagine you asked your neighbor or friend or uncle for something in their house, and they said no because it made them uncomfortable. You would just accept that and let it go, right?" Me: "Well, it depends on the person and the item. If it was my neighbor...well, I wouldn't really care. If it was my uncle and I wanted something that had sentimental value, but he said no, that would upset me. I might not push back, but I'd be upset and want to know why. Or if I wanted to borrow a book and they said no." T: "A book is a good example because it can be something personal, especially if it's on display." Me: "OK. Also don't ever let me borrow a book because I always forget to give them back." T: "But you did push back with me." Me: "Yes, but you're my therapist, it's different." T: "I don't think it's different." (Me, in my head: Then what am I paying you for?)

Me: "OK. So did you ask if any of them had given a client a transitional object before?" T: "No, I didn't ask them that." (Me, in my head, aaggghh, I thought that was one of the main points of bringing it up to them?)

I forget how we came around to this, but I think I was comparing myself to other clients? Yeah, I said I felt like an outlier among his clients. T: "Also, I don't feel I know you as well. You don't really talk about yourself that much." Me: "What????? I've shared a lot about myself. You know things about me that no one or else very few people know." T: "True, but compared to other clients, I don't have as much of a sense of your childhood or what's happening day to day in your life. When I look back at my session notes, they seem to be more about your relationship with me than about you specifically." Me: "Really? But I've spent lots of time talking about myself as well." T: "I just think you spend much more time and energy on the relationship than other clients." Me: "Well, yeah, but I till talk a lot about myself."

I told T I'd made appointment with p-doc in 2 weeks, did he want to talk to her? I could give permission. He said he would like to talk to her, that he trusted I'd be honest with her. but also how in prescribing medication, certain things work better for specific symptoms, so if he told her specific details about how he sees my OCD and anxiety affecting me, that could help her pick a med. Me: "You realize I've already tried like a dozen of them, right?" T: "Yes, you mentioned that." So I filled out the paperwork to let them talk.

We were talking about how my anxiety affects my relationships and interactions, how I'm always worried about what people are thinking of what I'm doing and saying. T: "This may upset you, LT, but once you walk out the door, I'm not really thinking back on our session. I mean, unless I realize I said something really stupid." Me: "Right, I mean, I know, you have to move on to your next client." T: "No, I don't mean because of that. It's that I don't think about the interaction that much, and I assume if there was some issue, a client would bring it to my attention and we could deal with it then." Me: "Right, I know you have to kind of compartmentalize in your job. And your clients spend more time thinking about you than you about them, because you have lots of clients."

T: "No, that's not what I mean. I'm not talking about in my role as a therapist. I mean in general. If I have an interaction with my neighbor, with my wife, with my son, when I walk out of the room, I'm not thinking about it anymore and wondering if they're upset with me." Me: "Oh, I see. While I do think about that stuff all the time, even just someone random I walk by on the street. And after I'm interacting with a friend or H." T: "Yes, that's what I'm referring to. That you use so much energy thinking about that. It makes me sad for you that you deal with so much anxiety." Me: "Um, thanks." T: "So one of my goals for you is for you not to think about that so much." Me: "Yes, I'd like that, too."

T: "What's that commercial they had with the red button?" Me; "The Staples Easy button?" T: "Yes, that. I'd like you to have something like that for worrying about interactions, that you could push it and not worry about it." Me: "When you talk to p-doc, tell her to go ahead and implant that when I see her." T laughed. "I don't think such a thing exists." Me: "I wish it did."

Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. T said he'd be out Monday and Tuesday of the following week, but if I wanted, I could see him Wednesday and Friday of that week so I'd still see him twice. I asked if i could decide later, and he said yes. I said how I kept getting anxious when i was time to schedule, thinking you'd say, "Right, next week is the start of my 4-week vacation." T: "I'd have to charge you and all my other clients 4 times what I currently charge you to afford that." Me: "And that would seem kind of wrong, charging us extra just so you could go on a nice vacation!"

The sky behind him was looking ominous the whole time. Near the end of session, the air conditioner kicked on. T said, "Did you hear that?" Me: "The AC?" T: "No, the thunder." Me: "Oh, no." [Rumble rumble] "OK, that I heard!" I commented on weather while paying, and he pulled up the weather on his phone, saying it looked like storms were north of us so I shouldn't get rained on when I leave. I said he says that, then I'll walk outside and it will be like "Gooossh!" (mimicking a downpour). T: "And then you'll be like 'Dr. T'!" (said in the way Jerry says "Newman!" on Seinfeld, complete with hand gesture.) I laughed. We shook hands, he said, "take care," I said, "You, too," then left.

Went someplace to do work for a while, thought I was OK, then had total meltdown in car ride home, and after getting home, which led to my e-mail and that I'll be seeing T in 40 minutes.

[ElectricManatee]

I think about other people and my interactions with them all the time. I tend toward anxiety, but I don't think having an interest in human connection is a problem in and of itself. My relationships are the most important thing in my life. I noticed your T didn't ask if you thought that thinking about people and interactions was a problem before he decided you needed to change it, which I find off-putting.

My T thinks about me and our interactions outside session too. I know that she processes what happens between us and how she feels about things and what I might need from her. She sees it as part of her job. I would feel sad if she thought she needed to make a point that I don't occupy her thoughts at all.

[DP_2017]

I cant believe you shared him with a stranger lol. No way I'd ever do that.

Lol to penetrate stuff. I'd laugh but i can see how it would be awkward.

I agree you spend alot of time on things with him. Likely why you picked to go again. That and attachment. I don't think it's a good idea but hope it helps somewhat I guess.

The reality is. He isn't gonna change with the stone or his discomfort with your attachment and reactions no matter how many times you bring it up.

Would be a very good goal to work on trying to focus less on every little thing. I have anxiety so I get it but i have found the distance with t and writing down my anxious thoughts is very helpful.

Remember this journey is about you and you needing to change parts of yourself not about changing him. Sadly you wont.

This interaction basically proved alot about him. I couldn't deal with it but to each their own. After session today no matter what....try not to email. Most clients never get 3x a week. Try to set your own boundaries with him for your growth. Good luck and honestly... I'd let the stone issue go. It's only gonna keep upsetting you

[SalingerEsme]

This made me crazy to read. What he sets up here to role model isn't a healthy lack of anxiety, but insensitivity.

It is also flat-out not true, I don't buy it or believe it. Maybe he is using some technique on you , but processing and pondering is part of T's job and a husband/father's!)

My T will sometimes tell me "I thought about xyzzy from our session over the weekend, and I'd like to offer one more thought" and things like that.

Even though he isn't emailing me about it, he let's me know I was part of his mental universe at times other than our session.

This is kind of black humor, but I have a rupture with your T!

( I really liked him up til this session, but he lost me at his reporting back to you about the consultation group in such a tained way.)

T: "This may upset you, LT, but once you walk out the door, I'm not really thinking back on our session. I mean, unless I realize I said something really stupid." Me: "Right, I mean, I know, you have to move on to your next client." T: "No, I don't mean because of that. It's that I don't think about the interaction that much, and I assume if there was some issue, a client would bring it to my attention and we could deal with it then." Me: "Right, I know you have to kind of compartmentalize in your job. And your clients spend more time thinking about you than you about them, because you have lots of clients."

T: "No, that's not what I mean. I'm not talking about in my role as a therapist. I mean in general. If I have an interaction with my neighbor, with my wife, with my son, when I walk out of the room, I'm not thinking about it anymore and wondering if they're upset with me." Me: "Oh, I see. While I do think about that stuff all the time, even just someone random I walk by on the street. And after I'm interacting with a friend or H." T: "Yes, that's what I'm referring to. That you use so much energy thinking about that. It makes me sad for you that you deal with so much anxiety." Me: "Um, thanks." T: "So one of my goals for you is for you not to think about that so much." Me: "Yes, I'd like that, too."

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

This made me crazy to read. What he sets up here to role model isn't a healthy lack of anxiety, but insensitivity.

It is also flat-out not true, I don't buy it or believe it. Maybe he is using some technique on you , but processing and pondering is part of T's job and a husband/father's!)

My T will sometimes tell me "I thought about xyzzy from our session over the weekend, and I'd like to offer one more thought" and things like that.

Even though he isn't emailing me about it, he let's me know I was part of his mental universe at times other than our session.

This is kind of black humor, but I have a rupture with your T!

( I really liked him up til this session, but he lost me at his reporting back to you about the consultation group in such a tained way.)

I agree, I would rupture with him too....I've also grown to be less of a fan after this but I also realize, he is set in his ways and wont change. I'm shocked he offered a 3rd session but said she has boundary issues most T's would tighten things, not loosen them with that mindset

I am not sure that all T's do but I think most do think of them outside session, I know mine does but mine also has anxiety and it's insanely helpful to know that about him and know he can relate to my struggles. I think Dr. T was harsh in saying it but again, he isn't gonna change. He is this way, he's uncomfortable etc. you gotta chose if you wanna keep dealing with this and the pain that it brings or move on.

Also, I truly think stepping back, even just once a week for a week or two, is gonna be good for you, HARD, yes... but good for YOU and your growth. This T can't handle much more of attachment stuff so the more it grows, the more uncomfortable he will become. Sad but true.

[ruh roh]

Oh man, LT, I think this is both harsh and enlightening. It really illustrates his orientation very clearly, so in that way it might be easier for you to set a course going forward if you decided that he's useful.

I know very few people who don't think about interactions after they happen. One of them is my boss and she is expert at it and functions at a very high level, but she is also shaming at times when I get emotional. It's just not on her radar to care or think about what other people are thinking or saying. That's not a bad way to live, but it's not a reality for many people (most, that I know). I do think you have been clear about your anxiety in this regard being excessive, so it is something to work on. I just don't like the way he presented himself as the ideal or the norm.

Also, about his discomfort and unwillingness to share more about that. I do think a therapist is different than other people when it comes to what they share and why, so for him to half-share feels punitive. If it is totally his issue, then that would be all he would need to say, but leaving it unexplained suggests he is uncomfortable with something about you that he thinks is pathological or unhealthy; and if that's the case, then isn't it is job to bring that to light?


To compare it to your neighbor or someone in real life is just not a good comparison. I don't push anyone to explain or say something they don't want to, but I do want to understand my therapist's thinking or her thoughts on what she sees in me. I can disregard or take it into consideration, but at least I have something to work with. Others have different ways of using therapy, but I don't see a problem in wanting to know why a therapist is feeling uncomfortable with a client, especially if relationship interactions are a core issue in therapy.

I do know that my therapist thinks about my sessions, and other clients' sessions, afterward. There have even been times when she was concerned she'd said or done something to cause harm or misunderstanding. That's kind of normal and human. There are others who are not troubled or think about people or interactions, like your therapist, but I would not call that either the norm or even the ideal, unless that's what you are in therapy to work toward, in which case he sounds like the guy to see. There is some value in letting that stuff go, but his is pretty extreme sounding.

I don't know if you;re seeing him again today, but I hope you're taking a break. It kind of bothers me that he offered a third session this week, especially since he says he doesn't really know much about you.

[healed84]

I may go against popular opinion here.. but..

I do agree that you focus seems more on the relationship than other things in therapy. While the relationship part is important it’s just one part of the therapy interaction. I don’t think he is a bad t, I just think he may not be the right fit for you. But I do believe you will continue to have this kind of struggle with your t’s until you deal with the fixation on the relationship. It would make sense that always thinking about your interactions is tied to anxiety/ocd.

I have a bpd/anxiety dx and have talked about all kinds of relationships and my interactions with people in therapy. My t has said the same as your t (and my t is all about transference and talking about the t/client relationship). That most people don’t sit back and nit pick interactions they have with people. I mean yes people put their foot in their mouth and will spend a couple of hours thinking back about that interaction. However, I was spending time dissecting my interactions and convincing myself that I pissed a person off. Or that person was mad at me or something. When in reality it was not true at all and hasn’t given a second thought to our conversation.

I do believe that it was harsh the way your t presented the whole he doesn’t think about his Interactions with you when you leave the room. Because really, most people bring work home with them and I am sure he has thought about you and what could help in session more or something like that. I think he was just driving home the point that he doesn’t pick apart every interaction he has with you or other people, like you seem to do.

Just my unsolicited opinion

[atisketatasket]

I agree with healed—I don’t think he meant not thinking about interactions at all, but the excessive analyzing and picking them apart. And I do think many people don’t do that. The only person I know well irl who did that was 2ex and it only made him unhappy and more anxious.

It’s very different from thinking back on a conversation and saying to myself, “oh, should have said that instead,” learning from it, and moving on.

Somebody told me a few weeks back to let Piaf be the therapist. That was good advice, and I think it might apply here too.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by healed84

I may go against popular opinion here.. but..

But I do believe you will continue to have this kind of struggle with your t’s until you deal with the fixation on the relationship.

I agree with this completely. This will keep cycling form good/great session, to ugh I don't know if I can work with him because he can't be want you want him to or need him to. He wont change. He's who he is. I had to learn the hard way myself, to just accept my T for who he is, learn his quirks and learn what type of things would really be concerning with him. It's not BAD to talk about the relationship, but it should not be the main focus of therapy.

I hope whatever you do, that you try to realize that YOU need to be the main focus of therapy, and YOU need to do what you can to make progress with your issues that you want to change. He's there to guide you.

I am glad things went good today but I fear it wont be long again before you are upset with him and feeling crappy. This Thurs session you posted, showed ALOT of his true colors/feelings. It's not terrible to stay with him but if you do, just realize what you are gonna keep dealign with going forward and ask yourself if you want to keep dealing with it. I HAD to step back with some things like feelings related to my relationship with T or him in general, I had to realize those conversations did nothing but add pain to me because I can't change him. I've done really well and felt alot better since I have shifted focus. We are alot better.

Anyway, hope you also have a nice weekend... and in 2 weeks when you go weekly, I hope it really helps you grow. I think it will be tough but GREAT for you. Some of the hardest things we do in life, teach us the most

** Healed..I love your Elf pic BTW***

[Anne2.0]

I am nearly always against the current of opinion here, but I see it similarly as to healed84.

What struck me about what your T said was this: "I just think you spend much more time and energy on the relationship than other clients." This is something you disagreed with, at least in part. Then about a paragraph later you say this:

"We were talking about how my anxiety affects my relationships and interactions, how I'm always worried about what people are thinking of what I'm doing and saying."

Isn't this just another way of saying you focus on your relationships with other people, giving the "relationship" more time and energy than maybe is ideal? It seems like the same issue that causes you anxiety IRL is also causing your focus in T.

It's not that being tuned into and curious about relationships is something negative, I don't believe that was what your T was saying. It's about the cost of it. Like my writer friends speak to the issue of spending time reading instead of writing, or spending time researching instead of writing. Reading can be really helpful to improving writing, but it's not going to get your writing done.

It does strike me that being so concerned about what other people think of you, like the faceless group of T's hearing about your personal history of issues, does come at a cost in your emotional life. This might be one of those times that saying "who cares" is appropriate. It may not come naturally to shift your focus to strengthening your core (not talking about your belly muscles, but there may be an analogy there), to pay more attention to want you want from relationships and for your life, and whether what you say and do nurtures your own self. In my own experience, worrying about what other people think of me (and I do work where I have to put my expertise and opinions "out there") just takes me out of the moment of living my life. It's anti-mindful or the opposite of mindfulness, if that is anything that makes sense to you.

It also occurs to me that your T has thrown down a challenge to you, he said (in my interpretation) that he wants to get to know you better. So do that. Talk about your daily life and your history and ask him to help you do that if you need to. See how that feels, to leave discussion of the relationship aside and allow yourself to be seen as a person apart from this therapy relationship. If you want. I'd take it as an experiment.

[feileacan]

I don't know if it is useful to say what should or could be the focus in the therapy in terms of topics discussed. One thing that is sure is that the T should focus on the patient. Sure, the T might want the patient also to focus on themselves explicitly but I don't think someone could say that this *should* be that way. From the moment something specific *should* happen in therapy, the therapy is already constrained and free exploration is not possible anymore.

There are reasons why some people are unable to explicitly focus on themselves and talk about themselves as much as perhaps someone else. The solution is not to tell them they should be somehow differently or behave differently or feel differently. I believe the best course is to accept the person where they are and curiously explore why they are there. The T can't artificially force the person out from that position or if you can then probably the person is just faking in order to please the T.

Also the fixation on the relationship is there for some reason. It doesn't help at all to say that it shouldn't be like that. It is, for now, anyway. Why not accept it and take it as a starting point? Perhaps after accepting this fact the patient will eventually feel secure and free enough to come out and explore what's around her and what's inside her and then slowly-slowly the focus will shift somewhere else (and who knows in advance, where exactly).

[ElectricManatee]

I think maybe what seems off to me in this interaction is that there is a lot of "tell" and not very much "show." Granted my whole approach to therapy is probably different, but the therapeutic relationship has become a central focus for me as a model of how I interact with other people. I would be stunned if my T said that she didn't know me very well because I talk so much about the therapeutic relationship. I feel like that's the richest source of data there is! Do you want to know how I feel about myself and others? Ta-da! There it is! It seems likely that there are factors in his training or personality that make him unwilling or unable to make use of that information. It's a key part of working from a development/attachment perspective, which he obviously isn't doing.

I also don't think it's terribly helpful to be so transparent about what you "should" be doing or thinking about or how you "should" be functioning. Yes, I think you are well aware of areas for improvement or else you wouldn't be in therapy in the first place. It seems kind of shaming to hold up the end goal and measure you against it at an earlier stage in the process.

[unaluna]

T: "But you did push back with me." Me: "Yes, but you're my therapist, it's different." T: "I don't think it's different." (Me, in my head: Then what am I paying you for?)

Just wanted to comment on this. Youre right, its NOT ts actual feelings that are important here, but the t acts as a stand-in for all other humans, so if we wouldnt say something to all other humans, we shouldnt say it to t, unless we specify that we are looking for information, like, "i would ordinarily say this in this situation, but im thinking now that might be rude, right?" The fact that hes a t isnt carte blanche to BE rude. The golden rule isnt, do unto others, except unto ts. IMO. Its YOUR feelings that need to be looked at as to why youre being rude or whatever.

[Lemoncake]

Personally I didn't like the comparison with the other clients, they are where they are and you are where you are. I've read another T say " the relationship is the therapy. ". His definition of a boundary didn't make much sense to me- I thought it was like a fan digging through Bruce's trash. His discomfort with the stone says more about him than you.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

It feels like you’re both talking past one another.

I do agree with your t in one respect, LT. Consistently, your session notes are about your interactions with your t. It was the same with your ex-t’s also. He is answering a question about how much he knows about you in comparison to other clients, which isn’t necessarily a judgment, just a yardstick.

I’m not placing any value or judgment on how you should be doing your own therapy, by the way. I don’t have a sense of where this work lies for you. But I think your own strong reaction to the idea that he doesn’t know you well might be important to step back emotionally and just be be curious about. Not about whether his feeling is accurate, but that there is a mismatch in perception.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by unaluna

The fact that hes a t isnt carte blanche to BE rude. The golden rule isnt, do unto others, except unto ts. IMO. Its YOUR feelings that need to be looked at as to why youre being rude or whatever.

For me the issue is either up or down a level, I can't decide if it's more practical or more abstract.

But if we understand from other social contexts that pushy or rude behavior doesn't work, at least with reasonably healthy relationships where one person doesn't allow the dumping), why should it work in T? I don't think it's about a behavior or what one should or should not do, but about what are you trying to accomplish or what are you trying to get from the T? And why do you think that you will get it by doing it this way?

I've seen many people, including myself, behave in ways in service of a goal, such as to be close to someone, by acting in ways that produce the exact opposite from others. It's usually some kind of anti-space behavior-- a demand to "be closer to me" or "tell me more" or "see it exactly as I do"-- rather than allow the other person to have the time and space to say what they want. The counterproductive nature or self sabotage or whatever you want to label the behavior seems to increase in times of anxiety. The more worried about a relationship I am, the more likely I am to allow my worry to drive my interactions with others, to try to get closer to them by crowding them. That is my boundary problem.

[unaluna]

Yeah, boundary is a tough concept if yours have been abused. I had to read two books before i got it - its like the first was for beginners, and the next was a little more advanced! Im laughing at myself here. You dont KNOW you can claim this sovreignty. I think boys know better because theirs shows; girls' doesnt. Thats my excuse, anyway. I think LT might be trying to borrow sovreignty (stones) from her ts in order to stand up to her husband? I mean is that the real problem here? The focus on a relationship with the t could mean a wish for no relationship with h? Or is that too obvious to be true?

[Mully]

I actually don’t think that your T did anything wrong. He didn’t do what you wanted, obviously, but I think he did want you wanted as far as reaching out for consultation about the stone, they just didn’t go according to the script you wanted them to. I personally don’t think the stone is a big deal and I agree he should just give you it, but I think that you are obsessing about the stone and what it represents because you want to be right and force him to admit he is wrong, which he clearly is not going to do.

The truth is that your T has been honest about who he is and how he operates. It’s funny how on this site people say such opposite things all the time- the T should be honest, but then the T should keep their feelings out of it, etc.

You can switch to another T. You are going to run into the same pattern, though. Your last Ts and MC went along with your scripts, and that ultimately wasn’t helpful to you. This T won’t, but yet you are still getting upset all the time. You could look at that, and work with it, but it seems from your posts like that’s not what you are looking for.

Yes, the relationship in therapy is a big deal for some of us. It is for me, I get it. I obsess and get anxious, fear judgment and loss of connection. As I’ve said before, though, I can see you posting ten years from now the same things because it seems like you are playing a role that is, while excruciating I’m sure, also comfortable for you. You have a following on here that will 100% support every desire and need you have and tell you your T is wrong and you are right. You can go to therapy, say you are trying to change, then post about it, have people say your Ts are completely unfair, then spend hours with your T talking about that instead of focussing on your actual life with your H and your D and real life people. Obviously I’m not in the room with you, so maybe I’m completely off base here, but I just hope that you ultimately do whatever makes you feel best in the end.

[velcro003]

Hmm...now I am waiting for today's write up!

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by Mully

As I’ve said before, though, I can see you posting ten years from now the same things because it seems like you are playing a role that is, while excruciating I’m sure, also comfortable for you. You have a following on here that will 100% support every desire and need you have and tell you your T is wrong and you are right. You can go to therapy, say you are trying to change, then post about it, have people say your Ts are completely unfair, then spend hours with your T talking about that instead of focussing on your actual life with your H and your D and real life people. Obviously I’m not in the room with you, so maybe I’m completely off base here, but I just hope that you ultimately do whatever makes you feel best in the end.

I think I agree with the main point of this. Although I sometimes think it would be nice to share what's happening in my therapy sessions with other people, in the end it doesn't sound like a good idea. I feel it would dilute the relationship and draw the power out from it.

I think about my relationship with T as something private. Yes, it's professional (as opposed to personal) but still private and it is between me and him to figure out our issues together. I'm not sure it is helpful to include other people into that private relationship. It would certainly feel good to receive support and feedback but is it really helpful?

[atisketatasket]

I have two therapists right now, one of whom (Info) focuses on the relationship and the other of whom (Piaf) would rather swallow glass than focus on the relationship and instead focuses on specific goals.

A happy medium between the two would probably be best for me, as with No. 3, but sans her, I find Piaf much more effective and helpful. I actually can articulate why I go see her.

Why not ask him what he feels needs to know about you in order to be an effective therapist for you? And then discuss that. Because I agree with those who see you trapped in a cycle, both a maxi-cycle with different therapists and a mini-cycle with this one, where you two talk past each other, you feel hurt and invalidated, and then there’s more sessions to deal with that. And then it starts again.

[Middlemarcher]

The stone thing has reminded me of something that took place with my T. Fairly early on in working with her, I had broached the idea of her leaving me a voicemail that I could listen to whenever I wanted, something encouraging. She said that she would need to think about it. I ended up feeling ashamed for asking, and didn’t bring it up until a long time had passed.

When I brought it up again after all that time, I said that I had assumed that she thought it wouldn’t be therapeutically beneficial for me. She said that this wasn’t the case, that the reason she had hesitated and decided against it was that it didn’t feel like something that she would authentically do.

I’ve thought about this a lot, about the kind of resentment that can be created when someone feels pressured into acting contrary to their authentic way of being. It was one of those moments when I really learned something from my T modeling a healthy way of acting. It may seem like there was no good reason for her not to leave the voicemail— it would be a minute of her time, and wouldn’t affect her otherwise. But the fact that she didn’t want to do it was reason enough, because ultimately it was protecting our working relationship.

The way I see it, your T giving the stone in the first place was a misstep. But it seems like an excusable one, especially given that attachment work is not his bread and butter. Overall, I’m quite impressed with how well your T has done at not getting involved in reenactments or enmeshed in the relationship. Your previous Ts seem not to have had the skill or awareness to do this.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Hmm...now I am waiting for today's write up!

Unfortunately, I have to finish some work first! Gotta pay for my T sessions somehow

[LonesomeTonight]

Oops, just realized I post this on Couch instead of here:

More later, but that was a really good, productive session (both T and I agreed on that). Glad I went.