[LonesomeTonight]

More replies to specific comments later, but just a quick update from today's session (cross-posting from Couch): So...I think session went well? T took it very seriously, saying at the beginning "I think this will be a very important conversation." I discovered a throw pillow in his office that has very comforting fringe, so I stroked that much of the session. (How did I not discover that before?) It basically came down to...T is trying not to be ex-MC. He doesn't want to repeat those mistakes and lead me down that path. He's concerned that saying "I care about you" takes it outside of the therapeutic relationship. He was fine with saying "I care about you as a client," and we spent lots of time talking about what that meant. Because, to me, that meant "I care about you as long as you are paying me." But he said it wasn't about that. More about what therapeutic relationship entails. There was much more to the session that I may write up later in IST, but still processing. For now, I plan to continue working with him.

[Glowworm80]

LT I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a very similar run in with my T. They just wouldn’t say it. They said they had shown me in many ways that they cared but I wanted more. I kept pushing for it until I realized that even if they said it in response to me asking I wouldn’t believe it. I would think they had said it because I pushed them into it, to get me to stop asking or for any other reason other than they meant it. My asking seemed to make it loose it’s power and significance. I know my T cares. Yes possibly as a client more likely as a person who cares for other human beings. I can see care in all the other things they do and they say to me. It is hard to hold onto and scary as hell to trust in that.
I do think some people especially those with developmental trauma or attachment issues can benefit from a T being more explicit with their feelings and not expecting clients to just feel it or read between the lines. It can be hard for those who received no care or inconsistent care to trust it even when it’s shown to them. They can feel they need it to be said to ‘know’ it’s true. On the other hand, lots of people can say words that really have no meaning and just because a T says they care doesn’t mean they avtually do either. As the saying goes actions are more important than words. I would much rather this than hollow words with no actions. For me though there is nothing more powerful than words AND actions. I need the explicit words followed by actions. I need things that don’t have a potential double meaning to them. It drives my brain crazy. Sometimes my T will do sometime that is clearly because they care and I feel it for a second but then my mind will lean towards the other potential reasons they did it eg maybe they don’t want to lose a client maybe they want to keep the regular money coming it. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I’m hoping I can get to a place where eventually I feel the care and my mind just stays there and I trust it and feel it without going to the other side. I think for my T that is also their hope too.

I do understand the struggle do and the hurt by him not saying it. Right now it seems like there is no way out and I too thought about quoting when my T wouldn’t give me what I wanted. What I thought I desperately needed. If only they would tell me the care then all would be okay and I would feel better.... except I wouldnt... it wouldn’t all be better.

I’ve said previously your T sometimes struggles with relational stuff and is learning IMO and that’s hard. Even if he was a relational T he would sometimes get it wrong. That’s the nature of relationships. This is going to bring hurts and difficulties with it but u do seem to be making progress. Only u know if u can work through this or not. Right now you seem quite hurt and raw by it. The wound is still fresh perhaps as you already said it will be good to wait a few days and consider your decision then.

[QUOTe] But I also feel like...I mean, my T has also said that if someone disrespects his feelings, he stops caring about them for a bit and seemed puzzled that I wasn't like that. [QUOTe] I find this a strange statement. I mean sometimes my husband hurts my feelings but that doesn’t mean I stop caring about him . Same goes for my daughter or a close friend. I may be hurt or annoyed by them and may even not like them in the moment but I do care about them that doesn’t stop.

[feileacan]

I still have the perception that this T is just way too cognitive for the work you want and need to do.

With another T it could be completely different. Probably you would benefit from a T who has very firm but yet not static or inflexible boundaries. The T might refuse to tell you that he cares about you but he would let you rage about it and in this interaction he would be able to convey you that although he doesn't say the words, nevertheless he truly cares about you deeply. And that would help you to calm down and take that in. And then you would have something that you did not have before.

Right now it stays on the cognitive level - you discuss and argue but you don't seem to get from these discussions what you need.

This is just an example because I would not put that much emphasis on a particular set of words but there are infinitely many things that need to be processed both on cognitive and much deeper level, whereas the full cognitive processing might start to make sense only after something important and meaningful has clicked on a deeper level.

Originally Posted by feileacan

The T might refuse to tell you that he cares about you but he would let you rage about it and in this interaction he would be able to convey you that although he doesn't say the words, nevertheless he truly cares about you deeply. And that would help you to calm down and take that in. And then you would have something that you did not have before.

This is an interesting point and reminds me of something I thought about you, LT, many times. How tolerant and accepting you are on this forum. You post a lot about your therapy and in great detail, and people often challenge you and criticize your T in many ways - and you seem to be so unfazed by it, always respond respectfully etc. This is actually one of the features I personally like about you here because it allows for discussing many different perspectives and also for us to communicate quite directly with you. I think usually this kind of open-minded, tolerant attitude is either a sign of suppressing stronger/negative emotional reactions (often for the sake of wanting to fit in and be accepted by others) or a sign of very strong (maybe too strong) rational, cognitive preference in someone (I tend to fall within the latter, for example).

Interestingly, you now have a T who likes to be very direct as well, but with him you definitely have strong emotional reactions to things he says and how it is phrased, and discussing that is a major part of your therapy, including that he is trying to actually guide you to tune down the strong reactions and anxiety! So you definitely don't seem unfazed by stuff but in a social environment like this forum, you seem to self-regulate it very strongly. And here comes why I found feileacan's point about rage interesting - I also wonder if expressing that more freely would be beneficial for you? As you know, I like your T, but he definitely does not seem like a person who would welcome or even allow that without turning it into a more rational discussion. I personally understand how that works because I am the same way - can experience my anger and frustration internally quite intensely and use it constructively as a motivational force, but it is always transformed when it comes out, however strongly. Transformed into a much more rational kind of assertiveness. Not because I care so much about what everyone thinks about me, more because that is just how my mind works naturally, can't even interact easily otherwise. You don't seem that way though, this is why I wonder if perhaps practicing a more emotional kind of assertiveness would be beneficial for you? From what I have seen, people who tend to suppress aggressive impulses for the sake of fitting in and being liked usually have at least a deep-seated, ambivalent desire to find someone who would be able to take the aggression well and not reject them for it. It is not easy to find such a person though, T or anyone. It seems like some people on this forum have found those kinds of Ts and get a lot out of working with them in that way. It definitely takes a T who practices a more psychodynamic type approach I believe and actually have the personality for that type of work.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

T

Interestingly, you now have a T who likes to be very direct as well, but with him you definitely have strong emotional reactions to things he says and how it is phrased, and discussing that is a major part of your therapy, including that he is trying to actually guide you to tune down the strong reactions and anxiety!

This seems accurate (perceptively so) and articulated well, from my reading of your therapy session posts. I think having strong emotional reactions to people's words and actions in real life or in therapy is common for people in therapy; and those emotional reactions can be the thing we struggle with.

I don't get the sense that you have trouble expressing your emotional reactions, either in session or afterwards in emails, especially because it seems like one of the things you and he do really well together is moving the conversation forward with a close connection between the emails and the next sessions. And the ability to articulate how you feel as precisely as you do definitely brings the emotionality into the cognitive (or more accurately, I think, the reflective place, with perhaps just enough space from the strong feelings to be able to examine and observe things). I think this is one of the things your T has helped you to do, to get some distance from the painful feelings as a way to manage them.

In my experience in therapy, having a strong emotional reaction to whatever it is given me a chance to practice this distancing thing. It's not a numbing reaction and not a "don't pay attention to your feelings" thing for me, but a step back to examine where they come from and what I'd like to do with them. To me, feelings aren't necessarily where it's at but they are important to "lean into" them, they are great information, but often the stronger they are, the more they are about something else as opposed to whatever seemed to trip off the emotionality in the first place. I like emotions and I like feeling them, it's what makes me feel most like myself. In the past, because I felt things so strongly, I usually suppressed them or their severity. And I acted on my emotions or reacted to them much more often than I do know. The key for me has been balancing staying true to my real emotional self and focusing on how to move forward from that place of hurt into a somewhat thoughtful response (or not) to a person or a situation.

I've also learned, from my history where the what happened was not so much the issue as the how it happened, that some of my emotional reaction are "lies." Just because I'm feeling it (for example, betrayed by someone) doesn't necessarily mean I have been in fact betrayed. When I was a kid, I couldn't acknowledge the truth of what happened or how I felt about it, so I had to twist myself for survival (I mean emotional survival, my life was not in danger) that x was y or whatever it actually was, it wasn't. Having a T for the past years who has helped me reflect or be thoughtful about what I'm feeling and what the thing itself actually is has helped me better understand my past and get a handle on what I want for my future. I'm not sure if this is a "cognitive" approach in the CBT sense because it doesn't focus on behavior like not catastrophizing or whatever. It's not really technique but more an approach that goes beyond just the expression of feelings. For me, that's never been close to enough to get me to where I needed to be.

[unaluna]

a & x & f & g

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by unaluna

a & x & f & g

You really understand me!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

This is an interesting point and reminds me of something I thought about you, LT, many times. How tolerant and accepting you are on this forum. You post a lot about your therapy and in great detail, and people often challenge you and criticize your T in many ways - and you seem to be so unfazed by it, always respond respectfully etc. This is actually one of the features I personally like about you here because it allows for discussing many different perspectives and also for us to communicate quite directly with you. I think usually this kind of open-minded, tolerant attitude is either a sign of suppressing stronger/negative emotional reactions (often for the sake of wanting to fit in and be accepted by others) or a sign of very strong (maybe too strong) rational, cognitive preference in someone (I tend to fall within the latter, for example).

Interestingly, you now have a T who likes to be very direct as well, but with him you definitely have strong emotional reactions to things he says and how it is phrased, and discussing that is a major part of your therapy, including that he is trying to actually guide you to tune down the strong reactions and anxiety! So you definitely don't seem unfazed by stuff but in a social environment like this forum, you seem to self-regulate it very strongly. And here comes why I found feileacan's point about rage interesting - I also wonder if expressing that more freely would be beneficial for you? As you know, I like your T, but he definitely does not seem like a person who would welcome or even allow that without turning it into a more rational discussion. I personally understand how that works because I am the same way - can experience my anger and frustration internally quite intensely and use it constructively as a motivational force, but it is always transformed when it comes out, however strongly. Transformed into a much more rational kind of assertiveness. Not because I care so much about what everyone thinks about me, more because that is just how my mind works naturally, can't even interact easily otherwise. You don't seem that way though, this is why I wonder if perhaps practicing a more emotional kind of assertiveness would be beneficial for you? From what I have seen, people who tend to suppress aggressive impulses for the sake of fitting in and being liked usually have at least a deep-seated, ambivalent desire to find someone who would be able to take the aggression well and not reject them for it. It is not easy to find such a person though, T or anyone. It seems like some people on this forum have found those kinds of Ts and get a lot out of working with them in that way. It definitely takes a T who practices a more psychodynamic type approach I believe and actually have the personality for that type of work.

Thanks, Xyn. I bolded the one that I think applies to me in your first paragraph. I'm definitely someone who wants people to like me and to be accepted, so it affects how I conduct myself both online and in my outside life. I've always been that way really, even back in childhood.

That's an interesting thought, whether my expressing rage with my T could help. I think that, like you said, he'd try to make it more rational. Or, if it was anger directed at him, he'd let his own feelings get in the way and bring them into the room, as he's done a couple times before. Rather than just sitting with it. I do think that's part of why I often feel safer using email for those sorts of emotions--or the voicemail from the other night--because then I don't have to see the other person's reactions in real time. It's something to think about though...

[LonesomeTonight]

Crossposting from In Session Today--this is the stuff Monday that led me to have extra session yesterday. I'll post yesterday's session later:
I ended up with a bonus T session yesterday, but first a post giving an explanation of how that came about. At the end of Monday's session (which I never got around to writing up), I'd said to T how he will say things like "I care about your success" or "I care about your well-being" rather than "I care about you," and it feels like there's a difference to me. I think I expected him to just say something like, "Of course I care about you." Instead, he said he didn't want to respond to my comment right then because it was the end of session. T: "I don't want to give you a half-baked answer. You don't want to eat raw cookie dough." Me: "Yeah, I don't want to get therapy salmonella." T said he liked that one.

So I thought I was OK waiting to hear his explanation. But then I thought about it more and more. I had been out running errands and on my way home, I got really emotional. I actually pulled off into a parking lot and left him a rambling, weepy voicemail about how I want him to say "I care about you." He emailed a reply a couple hours later and also texted to let me know he'd sent the email and that if I wanted a time slot the next day, to text him (since he wouldn't check email till the next morning).

Here's what he said in the email:
"Hi LT,

I'm so sorry to hear how deeply you've been affected by my unwillingness to specifically state "I care about you." I certainly don't want you to feel such distress! I decided to email you a reply, and if you want to discuss this further in-person I could schedule an appointment tomorrow but that's up to you.

I'm not sure why my caring about your well-being and commitment to your success and growth seems to lack sufficient weight, or why it is so important that you hear me specifically say that I care about YOU (emphasis was what I heard in your message). There is an important distinction there, and I am trying to figure that out. This has the feel of a boundary issue and rather than being impulsive I want to think about the significance so that I can talk about it in a way that is best for both of us. I want to respect your needs, but more important than that I want to support your mental health and emotional growth. I also want to respect what I am comfortable with saying, and understand the implications of what I say before I say it around such a sensitive topic. Your reaction to this makes it clear to me that there is a great deal of emotional weight around this issue. That only makes me more certain that this is very important and needs to be taken seriously. I realize that I am not answering your question and that's because I have no answer - I have not been able to give it the attention it deserves.

Let me know if you'd like to talk tomorrow, or just wait until Thursday. I'd be able to see you at 2:30pm Tuesday. You asked about a phone call - and my policy is to not take phone calls for clinical issues unless they are scheduled in advance during regular hours. I charge my normal rate for that time. I do take emergency phone calls, although these are brief evaluations to see if someone needs to consider hospitalization or other emergency service. For non-emergencies I schedule the client ASAP, and for crisis requiring intervention I recommend either a crisis hotline or the ER. I sincerely hope that you're not in need of such an intervention, but if so I would try to help that process."

I texted to say I did want the slot the next day, but would that give him enough time to think about it? He said he thought he'd be OK to talk about it. He closed that exchange with "I hope you can rest well tonight," which I appreciated. OK, actual session in separate post.

I have no answer

Whether or not you care about clients as individuals (as opposed to professional interests) seems like a pretty basic component of a therapist's practice. Even if he decides he does care about clients as individuals, I would not feel safe about being the "cared for" guinea pig. He doesn't sound as if he is able to reflect robustly and his personal insight seems significantly limited. You are a stronger client than me if you are committed to following his blind path.

[InkyBooky]

There's one sentence in his email that really struck me...and not in a good way. The one where he acts like he just doesn't get it why you want to hear that he cares about you. That statement from him seems either disengenuous or dumb.

I mean, he has a phD in psychology and he isn't sure why you may crave to hear the words "I care about you" in the context of a psychotehrapy relationship for attachement issues??? I get that he doesn't want to say the words....but to act like you're an anomoly for simply craving the verbal reassurance smacks of shaming (and possibly gaslighting) to me.

I know I'm bringing my own issues into my interpretation of his email...but come on- he shouldn't be playing dumb about your attachment longings at this point. From what you've posted, you have been extremely self-aware and good at naming your own issues regarding trust, transference and attachment.

Of course, if he chooses to establish that boundary then he doesn't have to (and probably shouldn't) give you want you want in terms of saying "I care about you", but to blame/shame/act surprised when you express such normal and logical longings is really not therapeutic (in my opinion).

I think the T does go a bit too far with exaggerating (including his cluelessness) sometimes. I don't believe he does not understand, one can easily understand these types of emotional needs even just with logic, even if they don't experience them.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by InkyBooky

...but to act like you're an anomoly for simply craving the verbal reassurance smacks of shaming (and possibly gaslighting) to me.

Yes. This. I am tired of him making out like other people's brains don't work like yours. LOTS of people's brains work like yours and he can't just shame you into thinking differently with faux bewilderment.

[unaluna]

Idk. I keep going back to the football call, where things just ran away from BOTH LT and ex-MC. They were both basically yelling at each other and giving each other ultimatums. We saw how that ended. Now LT keeps trying to play the ultimatum game with this T, and hes not having it. I think thats a good thing. Ultimatums are not a good way to have a relationship, are they?

[winterblues17]

I know from reading the struggles you have had with mc and current t. Was there similar struggles with the female T you had aswell? I don't remember reading so many ups and downs with this T and you seemed to be making good progress with her so I was just wondering would trying to have a session or two with her again would be an option for you? I'm not sure how that works etc, but I'm assuming the door would be open because wasn't you only meant to be leaving her temporarily just to see how things with with current T etc.

[LonesomeTonight]

Bonus T session yesterday. Went back and sat down. T (in jeans and a striped dress shirt): "I have my coffee and you have your Perrier, so we're all set." Me: "Yes." T: "I think this is going to be a very important conversation." Me: "What we're talking about today, from the voicemail?" T: "Yes." I started talking and he was like, "You have a piece of glitter on your cheek." I frantically brushed at my cheek. Me: "I think it's from my D's Halloween costume, we have glitter everywhere. Is it gone?" T: "Yes, I think so. It was just very incongruent with what you were talking about."

I grabbed the box of tissues and sat it next to me on the couch. I then did something I don't normally do in there. I reached over on his couch and grabbed a throw pillow that had a bunch of fringe on the edges. I sat with it in my lap most of the session, stroking the fringe to kind of soothe myself. I think it also felt like a protective barrier.

I said I'd contemplated coming in and just terminating, that if he didn't care about me as a person, then what was the point? What was I doing there? But I figured I should come in and talk in out instead of just ending it. That I didn't know if it was just me running away from something difficult or if it was a case where he isn't the right T for me. And I didn't know why I was so upset about the caring stuff, but it's clearly really triggering me.

He asked about why it felt so different for him to say "I care about your success" or "well-being" vs. "I care about you." Me: "I think...'I care about you' suggests that you care about me as a human being. And I spend 2 hours a week in here with you, sharing intense things, so I'd like to think you care on that level." T: "OK. I'll explain my thoughts in a minute. What I was thinking of saying at the end of yesterday's session but decided not to was 'I care about you as a client.' But I don't think you would have liked that." Me: "No, that would have bothered me. Because it would have felt like, as long as I'm paying you, then you care. That it's based on the money, not me." T: "But I don't feel that way. I know you as a client, so that's how I care about you."

Me: "I guess I just think of something ex-MC said that stuck with me. Where I said I was basically paying him to care. And he said, 'You can pay me to do my job, but you can't pay me to care.' As in, he was choosing to care. And that felt good." I forget what T said to that.

T: "So for me, the difference in saying 'I care about you' is that it seems to push things beyond the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. Like more in the sense of a friendship or romantic relationship." Me: "Really? Because I feel like I care about a lot of people as people, including, say, my neighbors who I barely know. But maybe that's just me?"

T: "You've talked about how things ended up going badly with ex-MC. And at times with ex-T. So I'm trying to avoid things going in that direction. I'm trying to look out for your well-being. And not saying 'I care about you' is one way I'm doing that." Me: "Oh... So I wasn't sure if at the end of last session, you needed time to think about whether you do in fact care about me or if you needed time to decide what to tell me. So, I'm guessing it's the second one?" T: "Yes, I was trying to figure out the best way to handle it to serve your well-being." Me: "Oh...OK. I think I was afraid you had to think about whether you cared or not." T: "No." T elaborated more on how I'd said that both with ex-MC and ex-T, things had crossed over a line at times (like ex-T admitting she'd gotten too close to me), which affected the therapy. And he's trying very hard not to do that here, that he's trying to be very careful in how he's handling things with me so that it doesn't go down the same path. I didn't say this at the time, but after the session, I thought how in a way, he's not saying he cares about me not because he doesn't care but because he *does* care about me...

He asked if I wanted to think I was special, different from his other clients, and that's what part of the caring thing was about. Me: "No, I want you to care about all your clients as people, not just clients. I don't expect you to care about me any more than them."

Somewhere in there we talked about therapy being one-directional in terms of caring. Me: "I know this sort of got me in trouble with ex-MC, but I also cared about him. And I care about you." T: "How can you care about me? You don't even know me!" Me: "But I spend 2 hours a week with you. I can still care about you without knowing all about you." T: "I mean, I understand you don't want me to get hit by a bus, but I don't think you can really care about me." Me: "But I do. Maybe I'm just weird like that...I care about a lot of people."

At one point, we were talking about some of the harsher truths he's said and how that can be difficult for me. T: "Do you think that therapists shouldn't tell their clients things like that? The more negative things that could hurt them, even if they're the truth?" Me: "I mean, I guess it wouldn't be helpful, but..." T: "Really think about it. I'm curious about your answer." Me: "Maybe part of me wants that, but I feel in the long run I need to hear some of these harsh things. Like if I really do think differently from most people, then I guess I need to know that." T: "I would agree." Me: "I figured."

Talking more about the "I care about you" and why it was important to me. I said something like, "You've known me over a year and spend 2 hours a week with me. I've confided many things in you. I'd certainly like to think you care about me as a human, not just as your client. Like if I left, would it just be like, 'well guess I have two other slots to fill now?'" T: "If, say, you were to die tomorrow, I'd be very affected. I wouldn't just think 'Now I have to fill some time slots.'" Me: "OK, thank you, that's good to hear."

We ended up going over by a few minutes, but he didn't seem to be looking at the clock at all. He seemed very engaged and thoughtful the whole session, doing things like closing his eyes while he thought about something and at one point covering his face with his hands. It seemed like he was really trying to understand me and also say what he felt was the right thing for me. I was crying quite a bit throughout and sometimes hiding my face, but still making a fair amount of eye contact.

As I was going over to pay, he said, "I am going to have to charge you for the email." Me: "You mean the one from the voicemail?" T: "Yes, it did take a bit of time." Me: "Uh, OK." T: "But if you can't pay it all right now, like that and the extra session, I can bill you for it later." Me: "No, it's fine." I guess I wish he'd told me before that there was a charge for that voicemail/email (even though I'd suspected), since it felt a bit like a slap in the face at the end of the session. He said I could let him know if I wanted to cancel Thursday, just give him 24 hours, preferably sooner. I said I would. Shook hands as he said "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too."

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by InkyBooky

There's one sentence in his email that really struck me...and not in a good way. The one where he acts like he just doesn't get it why you want to hear that he cares about you. That statement from him seems either disengenuous or dumb.

I mean, he has a phD in psychology and he isn't sure why you may crave to hear the words "I care about you" in the context of a psychotehrapy relationship for attachement issues??? I get that he doesn't want to say the words....but to act like you're an anomoly for simply craving the verbal reassurance smacks of shaming (and possibly gaslighting) to me.

I know I'm bringing my own issues into my interpretation of his email...but come on- he shouldn't be playing dumb about your attachment longings at this point. From what you've posted, you have been extremely self-aware and good at naming your own issues regarding trust, transference and attachment.

Of course, if he chooses to establish that boundary then he doesn't have to (and probably shouldn't) give you want you want in terms of saying "I care about you", but to blame/shame/act surprised when you express such normal and logical longings is really not therapeutic (in my opinion).

Yes, it makes me feel like some sort of weirdo for wanting that caring. Really, none of his other clients in over 15 years of practice have asked for that? I told him from day 1 that I tend to get attached to authority figures, particularly male ones. He knew my history with ex-MC from like the third session (I was very open with him about it). It's like he thought by not saying a certain phrase to me, he'd magically keep me from getting attached.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Yes. This. I am tired of him making out like other people's brains don't work like yours. LOTS of people's brains work like yours and he can't just shame you into thinking differently with faux bewilderment.

Ex-T often suggested that my brain doesn't work like most people's either, and it was like she was annoyed by it or something. Like "You're too observant!" She didn't use the faux bewilderment thing though at least. Seriously, has he really never encountered someone like me in his years of being a T? Sure my mind doesn't work just like everyone else's, but then whose mind does?

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sure my mind doesn't work just like everyone else's, but then whose mind does?

Actually, I think one of the concerning things is that your emotions appear to be playing out in a typical attached/transferential/insecure way and yet he doesn't seem to know how to respond safely and securely.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

T: "How can you care about me? You don't even know me!"

Jesus wept, what a knob.

[lucozader]

LT, I genuinely think he is a much weirder person than you are.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by lucozader

LT, I genuinely think he is a much weirder person than you are.

No kidding! Her position usually makes total sense to me, but occasionally the things he says make my jaw drop.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Actually, I think one of the concerning things is that your emotions appear to be playing out in a typical attached/transferential/insecure way and yet he doesn't seem to know how to respond safely and securely.

Yes, he seems to think that if he just doesn't say things like "I care about you," that will make the transference go away. When...that's not how it works. I know he's not overly trained it in, but surely there is plenty of literature out there for T's to check on how to handle it. I think he's like "I must not do any of what ex-MC did" when really some of the stuff he did helped me, it was more the fact that I couldn't really work things through with him as my marriage counselor. Well, OK and that he had really inconsistent boundaries, but honestly, this T's boundaries have seemed hazy lately, too. Or at least arbitrary.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Jesus wept, what a knob.

Lol I know. I was dumbfounded reading that. People can even care about strangers. It's called being a decent human being. Good grief.

As a client, on a most basic level, I'm sure many care there therapists are healthy and happy. There's no way he's never had a client before who cares, I'm guessing most have

[Lemoncake]

T: "How can you care about me? You don't even know me!" Me: "But I spend 2 hours a week with you. I can still care about you without knowing all about you." T: "I mean, I understand you don't want me to get hit by a bus, but I don't think you can really care about me." Me: "But I do. Maybe I'm just weird like that...I care about a lot of people."[/FONT]

LT your NOT weird for thinking or feeling the way you do, this stood out for me too and this is where Dr.T is getting it wrong. I get attached to everything and everyone. You've spent a year with this dude and is it so hard for him to get this?