In the transference

As you all know T and I had an awful session this week. He called me the next morning to reach out and a part of me was so relieved and another part was still upset with him.

We had several conversations about what had happened and then I saw him the next day. He asked me what I needed from him and I told him I needed to re-establish the feeling of safety in the room. He asked what he could do and I said that I just needed to hear him talk.

My inner child was so wounded and she needed to hear that soothing voice. And so we talked and chatted and shared. He disclosed some more about his family. I began to experience safety again. Good old T.

At one point during the "repair" he said that I was so completely in the transference that it was difficult for me to have an objective view of what happened.

At first I was unsure of this but now that a few days have elapsed and I find 'me' returning I know he was right. The experience was familiar: the tears, the absolute washout of being present, the whole package. Trauma reincarnated.

We agreed that he will intervene a bit more to help me when I am so very lost.

He said he felt lucky that he had patients who try to find their voice. (Something I had said at the beginning of the ****** session.)

Ahhhhhh, yes, I guess I'll keep him. Too bad he's blind now because I poked his eyes out.
Love is blind?

No, no, sister! You were supposed to pit the fruit before you threw it, not poke his eyes out! :-) Glad things are back on track for you.

That sorta reminds me of what happened today, only T didn't call it transference-- he said I was internalizing. We were talking about SI and instead of staying in the present, I was internalizing it and the tears, the images, and the washout of being present was happening for me, too. This time T told me he wanted me in the present. In the past, he has let me linger in the internalized spot maybe too long. It sounds as though your T did an amazing job of recreating the safe place. I love that he self-disclosed to you. One time I was really scared in session and my T said, "Do you want me to tell you a story?" and he told me a funny story that had happened that to another therapist he knew.

You should definitely keep him.

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sister said:
He asked me what I needed from him and I told him I needed to re-establish the feeling of safety in the room.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I love when we tell them our needs and they meet them.

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He disclosed some more about his family. I began to experience safety again. Good old T.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Self disclosure can be so healing for the client. Your T knew just what to do.

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We agreed that he will intervene a bit more to help me when I am so very lost.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That must feel good, to know he will help you not be lost. My T has told me he will do this for me too, if I need it, as I have dissociated before with him there. He will connect more strongly to me to make sure I stay present.

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He said he felt lucky that he had patients who try to find their voice.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">He is such a keeper. I am happy for you, sister, that things are going well again with your T.

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the absolute washout of being present,

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That can be a hard place to be and get out of. I'm so glad you're feeling better and that T is so good to you! He sounds so sturdy and trustworthy.

Even with the eye issue , he still sees you so well.

Oh yeah, as time goes on I remember more and more. Pink, I agree the sessions sound similar.

When T made that comment about transference I asked him to explain and he said I was completely in the feeling state.

Also, at the end of the %#@&#! up session, T goes, "Wow, that was a heavy session."

Gee, no %#@&#!!

Um, some other T comments during the session, "I want to be with you." "You won't tell me or don't want to tell me." and so on......Yikes, I better stop remembering.

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sister said:
When T made that comment about transference I asked him to explain and he said I was completely in the feeling state.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Does he think this is not productive? I strive to be in the feeling state, so this for me would probably be seen as progress. When I don't have an objective view of what has happened, I trust my T to tell me and I believe him. This is just from months of getting to know him and trust his vision and judgment. Sometimes it can help us move forward more quickly. He can say, "sunny, trust me, this is what happened!" and it's like getting a kick in the noggin into trustland, and I can move on. I think it shows how much you trust your T, sister, that you could be completely in the "feeling state" with him.

Hi Sunny,

Oh no he wasn't saying it was unproductive. He was explaining to me what happened. However, he was also saying that we need to find a way to integrate these experiences without retraumatizing me. So I supose the goal is to find the feeling state without going off the deep end? Difficult to do when you have walked a lot of planks in your life. So the goal for me is to access my feelings without completely losing myself which is what happened this week.

That is why we have agreed that T will help me find my safe place when it seems I am getting completely lost. The dissociation completely takes over at times. It is a direct result of trauma.

Yes, I do trust him but it took a looooooooooooooooooong time to get there.

Peace

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sunrise said:
Does he think this is not productive? I strive to be in the feeling state, so this for me would probably be seen as progress. When I don't have an objective view of what has happened, I trust my T to tell me and I believe him. This is just from months of getting to know him and trust his vision and judgment. Sometimes it can help us move forward more quickly. He can say, "sunny, trust me, this is what happened!" and it's like getting a kick in the noggin into trustland, and I can move on. I think it shows how much you trust your T, sister, that you could be completely in the "feeling state" with him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think that there is a fine line between the feeling state and then being re-traumatized. And I think there is a place for both experiences in therapy. It is a difficult thing for a T to read-- how far "into it" do you let someone go? Sometimes it's important to let them go-- and then know when to bring them back.

Yesterday in session I was going "into it" with my SI experiences-- and T told me that he would rather me stay in the present, rather than internalize. I asked him, "Well, what if I can't and I just keep slipping into the experience?" He said, "Then I will go with you wherever this goes-- but if you are going to internalize, let me in." I think the difference is right there-- therapists need to come into the experience with us. We had a lot to talk about yesterday-- I knew that; he knew that. It wasn't going to be productive if I was going to sit there the whole session caught up in my experience without letting him in. I probably would have caused myself further damage by stating in that state.

I have been in the feeling state many times without letting T in-- particularly the time I used the analytic couch. It ended up being very painful for both of us, but it needed to happen because of the way we connected afterwards-- on a totally different level then ever before.