transference

Hi....newbie here...in therapy for over a year or so....Im male and my T is female....just wondering how everyone has handled the "transference" issue....It seems to happen mostly with male T's and female clients, but I am severly attached to my female T...we have openly discussed it and she is well aware of it and does not plan on terminating me because of it (thank god)....she praises me because I have not done anything that would cross the boundary and I do not act out in sessions. However, I have somehow made myself believe she is the one I should have married and this is not
helping my marriage therapy which occurs with the same therapist
My wife knows about the transference, and is supportive.

Anyone else have this issue?

Transference happens to everyone across sex lines, etc. and not just in therapy. Females can feel their male T's are like their fathers or husbands, or can even feel their female T's are like their fathers or husbands! My female T and husband have a lot of similar characteristics (as did my husband and father with one another). But, like you, males can feel they would like to marry their female T or that their female T is like their mother, wife, sister, girlfriend, female boss, etc. My father-in-law did not like my stepmother because she was so like his own mother whom he couldn't stand!

Hopefully one's transference gets "resolved" (fancy word for sorting itself out) eventually. This case isn't exactly like yours exactly but you might find parts of it interesting: http://www.integrativetherapy.com/en/articles.php?id=46

thanks for the reply....I have been going thru some past posts and its apparent I am not alone with my attachment to my therapist....

Perna I enjoyed the link. Thanks!

Brian, yes attachment is very common and some say necessary in therapy.

I'd say it is almost impossible not to have transference because our brain is trying to fit this "new" person (our therapist) into our life/schema of things? So, we compare them to others we already know.

My father didn't like psychiatrists; I knew that as an adult but didn't know why. He'd make fun of them, tell the joke/story of the one psychiatrist greeting the other:

1st PDoc: "Good morning!"
2nd PDoc: I wonder what he means by that.

I then learned that when my mother first started experiencing her brain tumor, back in about 1948, doesn't didn't know very much about the head/brain and her grand mal seizures and other behaviors were thought to be psychosomatic! So, she was sent to a psychiatrist instead of a neurologist! Because they didn't operate or have any way to figure out what was wrong, it got to be 1952 and too late (her tumor wasn't operable anyway, couldn't have been cured even today) to do anything for her. But that they were so ignorant and blamed her marriage/upbringing, whatever instead of seeing she had a physical problem did not endear my father to those psychiatrists so that even 25-30 years later when things were different, he still thought poorly about psychiatrists because of his life's experience. I think we all do that so we get to be grown and still see many things the way we started out seeing them. That's all transference is to me. We get someone who listens and cares for us like a T does and what we see in a Mother or Father or husband/wife, etc. happens.

'tis normal, necessary and a part of the process.

If she terminated you because of transference, that would be considered counter transference......

T's should be able to use the transference to your benefit.

Good luck.

Are you doing individual therapy with the same therapist who is doing your marriage counseling? This often ends up being conflictual if there is a strong attachment, even if the other person knows. I'm glad your wife is supportive but have you actually told her that you think the therapist is the one you were suppose to marry, instead of her? Do you talk about this during your marriage counseling?

Idealizing one's therapist is common, I think. There is a book called, In Session, and the author talks about how therapy is kind of like always being in the dating stage of a relationship. You never get past the initial glow and move into the place where little habits bug you. Maybe your therapist is a huge slob at home...or maybe she is super picky about her food. Or maybe she never puts the cap back on the toothpaste! The problem with transference is that it is hard to work it out in any real way because the light of reality never shines on it. It stays in the shadows of the consulting room.

I think it is really OK to be attached to your therapist (I am the poster child for this) and love is very healing, especially safe love. But it can be hard on the person who is being compared to the therapist. There is an awful lot of listening and patience to live up to.

yes...doing individual therapy with same T who is doing marriage
counseling....its one big happy threesome!.....

my wife started with this therapist because of our marriage problems.....then the T wanted to see me individually and we uncovered all the crap from my childhood and my underlying
depression,anxiety and overall worthless existence...

My wife knows about the situation, and so far its not been a problem

No offense Brian - but it kind of sounds like it might be. You said you see your therapist as the person you should have married. And you say your wife knows this -- I guess I'm imagining how hard she must be working during sessions to either not compare herself or to "out shine" her competition. Even if intellectually she understands transference, emotionally it must be hard.

Your feelings about what you are getting from the therapist and how they might translate into a partner are so important. And I'm in no way saying you are doing anything wrong. It just seems to me that the whole situation is so very complicated. Probably totally my own stuff here (I'm in the middle of a divorce) and my own need to not hurt anyone's feelings.

Good luck with this.

ill keep you posted...we start 11/2 hour sessions this week.....