On Saturday, I gave T my paper on erotic transference that I had written for human sexuality class. Today, not only had he already read the entire thing, but he underlined the parts that he thought were most significant. Incredible.

We were talking about this one part in the paper in which I had stated that early termination can result from patients who have needs that cannot be fulfilled, that result from the erotic transference.

T and I were talking about how that related to me. I was telling him how the need becomes so great, yet so painful because it cannot be fulfilled in the ways I want. Then he says, "Need for what?" I said, "For a %#@&#! pineapple-- what do you think??" We started laughing and I told him to stop asking questions with an obvious answer that he knows I don't want to say.

He told me that he wants me to understand that I don't need a crisis reason to call him. I told him how I always feel as though something bad has to happen to explain the reasons why I want to be with him or call him. I told him how when growing up the only time I got real attention from my mother was when something was wrong because she had such bad anxiety-- so if something was wrong she'd be all over me. He told me that wasn't the case here, and that I could call just to tell him something. He said that it might even be healthy for me to do that. Then he said same goes for coming 2x per week-- I don't have to do anything to "prove" that I need it. (He is referring to my SI because I have been known to do it just to sort of sabatoge wellness or give a reason for needing more help).

Then he told me that I don't have to be afraid to get better because our therapy does not have a time limit on it. It is not measurable. He said that it doesn't matter what state of wellness I reach-- there are always things to explore.

I asked him if I scared him away or pushed him away after telling him about the erotic transference stuff. He said, "Do you think I would have scheduled this extra session with you and do you think we would be talking about two sessions per week if you did that?" Good point, T.

I think I love him again. This week.

[Izzyparker]

Very sweet session. Those are the ones to hold onto.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( pink ))))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

pink, you are such a courageous risk-taker in therapy!! And look how it makes the relationship keep growing and growing.

I admire you!

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
We started laughing and I told him to stop asking questions with an obvious answer that he knows I don't want to say.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Way to go!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He told me that he wants me to understand that I don't need a crisis reason to call him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is so profound. So many T's have such firm boundaries on calls and only take them if it is indeed really, really important--an emergency. But yours seems the opposite--he also wants to hear from you when things are well.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Then he told me that I don't have to be afraid to get better because our therapy does not have a time limit on it. It is not measurable. He said that it doesn't matter what state of wellness I reach-- there are always things to explore.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">What sweet words to hear.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

You showed your vulnerability big time. Wow. I'm impressed. How difficult and frightening. The relationship between you and T is beautifuI and reflects a deep respect on both parts. You both show courage in the exchange..you with your revelations and he with his offering of time and phone calls without strings attached.

I think I love him too!

[krazibean]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:

He told me that he wants me to understand that I don't need a crisis reason to call him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

ok, can i have your T? i've been wanting mine to say this to me for the longest time.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b]pinksoil said:[b]

Then he said same goes for coming 2x per week-- I don't have to do anything to "prove" that I need it. (He is referring to my SI because I have been known to do it just to sort of sabatoge wellness or give a reason for needing more help).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

we learned we have much in common

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:

Then he told me that I don't have to be afraid to get better because our therapy does not have a time limit on it. It is not measurable. He said that it doesn't matter what state of wellness I reach-- there are always things to explore.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

please excuse me while i melt in awe.

[jacq10]

aww I'm so glad to hear that things went well as a result of you showing him that. He sounds like a wonderful person.

Thanks for all of your responses. I sort of like taking risks in therapy. I feel that therapy is all about being me in the most raw sense-- so how can I do that unless I reveal the things that are so much a part of me?

I was telling how much I wish intellectual understanding could make the feelings go away. That all my research in erotic transference provided a cognitive understanding for what is going on and I wish that somehow it would help me to no longer feel for him and need him so strongly. I told him how there was even an element of guilt-- to have these feelings for him when I am married... I should have them only for my husband. T said that's okay because there is a level of disclosure understanding between us that does not occur between my husband and I-- so that has a lot to do with why that happens.

A funny thing happened when we were talking about my distaste for children lately. T said, "What if the child was sad and needed help?" I said, "Well I'd want to take him home then." And T goes, "Interesting response for someone you supposedly hate." And I said, "Well I sit here with you every week, don't I?" LOL I don't know where these things come from. Then I started laughing like a %#@&#! madman and said, "Sorry-- sometimes I just can't stand you-- but other times I feel the opposite." What was I thinking??? lol

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Then he told me that I don't have to be afraid to get better because our therapy does not have a time limit on it. It is not measurable. He said that it doesn't matter what state of wellness I reach-- there are always things to explore.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Wow, Pink! You must be thrilled! Congratulations!! Celebrate -- you deserved it.

[tulips30]

Ok Pink......one question. Do you think if we all went to your therapist, maybe he'd give us a group discount? Maybe a finder's fee for you? He sounds so wonderful and loving. Sorry, I'm feeling jealous. But, happy for you. Wish we could clone him somehow...........

tulips

[Flowerb]

I think an awful lot of therapists were trained to believe that clients, if given the chance, would call every minute of everyday, keeping the therapist tied up and unable to have a life or work or anything. There was this notion of "encouraging" dependency.

What has been shown to actually be true is that clients that know they have access to their therapist, don't call as much and aren't in crisis as much. Just knowing they can makes a huge difference. I love that my therapist believes in interdependency instead of forcing independence when the client isn't ready. He tells me a lot that I spent most of my life being super indendent and my job is to learn to let other people support and help me. It is so hard!

And I totally agree with you, Pink, that therapy has to be about taking risks. If you don't just say it...how can you process it and figure out what the underlying issues are. You are spending lots of time and energy and pain in this process, I think everyone owes it to themselves to push into the most honest places you can. The rewarding closeness is so worth it!

That said - it is very hard to talk about erotic feelings, even if you intellectually understand how normal it is to have them. I think you have been very brave to have shared so much. Have you found talking about things intensifies them or takes some of the urgency away?

Are you concerned at all that seeing him twice a week will make these feelings get even bigger?

I found when I increased sessions, I was less frantic about the connection I had with my therapist and that felt much better.

[Merlin]

i've never called my pdoc, or t, for any less than urgent. I couldn't imagine doing so. I am amazed you can do that.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Flowerb said:
it is very hard to talk about erotic feelings.... Have you found talking about things intensifies them or takes some of the urgency away?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I'm curious about that too, pink.

[lauren_helene]

I am so glad you gave him the paper on erotic transference and I like the reassurance he gave you. He means that too, I can tell.

I think he said it in just the right way where it doesn't encourage dependence but gives you the safety net to be secure in the relationship so you can heal.

I'm happy for you Pink!!!!