forcing T to hate you

so he'll finally say I can't come to therapy anymore which is probably the only way I will stop since I'm so attached to him even tho this relationship is hella P A I N F U L

Your T seems to care so deeply about you. I can see why it is painful, and also why it is truly touching.

I don't think you really want him to hate you. I can imagine thinking your T hates you would be an awful feeling. I know the relationship is painful to you right now. Do you feel like you can talk to him about what is making it painful? From what you've shared, he sounds like a good T who truly cares about you.

ts care is never enough. nothing is ever enough. I'm a vacuum and suck it all up and want more more more for eternity

that's the real situation and I'm so tired of it

and then I get the bs answer that I have to do it for myself. don't get me started on that. like holy ****. would you want this life? my life?

like what is the ****ing POINT

I think I've been in a similar place to you. My therapist and I have talked a lot about me feeling needy, me bringing it up, not him. We've used the analogy about an empty gas tank. Sometimes I try to fill it up in therapy and sometimes it's just too empty to begin with and doesn't get filled. And it sucks. It feels like you're a big walking wound. I've said many, many times, even today, what's the ****ing point. So although our histories and situations are different, I feel like I understand a little what you're feeling.

About the doing it yourself part, is that something he told you? I'm not entirely sure that emptiness can be filled by yourself. We're social creatures. We're hard-wired to want care and protection from others.

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this. Hugs if you want them.

I don't think he hates you, that's quite a strong feeling for someone to have.

However, I can understand how you feel. I have felt the same stuff about the whole myself and my life being crap stuff. People always act like meeting new people will solve all my problems, no it wont... more people to betray me, leave me and cause me to distrust, meanwhile... my life is still crap beyond the people. so I get that

I'm not sure what else to say here but you do have a lot of support here

i am pretty sure you and T have been through the ringer of hell together, and nothing you can do, short of threatening him, is going to make him terminate with you. i feel fairly confident about this.

t doesn't fully hate me... yet..

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation, please ignore if it isn't, but for what it's worth. . .

I didn't have what I would call a "successful" reenactment of my old family pain -- but I did experience the end of my last therapy as a rejection -- which eventually connected with rejection I had felt, but then "repressed" or disconnected from. And couldn't dredge it up, consciously, on my own.

The problem was -- once I experienced and felt the scorn and rejection from my last T -- what was I to do with that, without a contrary experience of being accepted in some other social environment or relationship(s)?

I don't think I agree with your T that you have to do it for yourself. I couldn't. BUT I have fortunately had enough accepting experiences in a real life support group, as well as this forum, that I'm beginning to. . .something.

Also, you may have mentioned it and I didn't see it or have forgotten, but do you like animals? I have 5 cats whom I do love unconditionally, and knowing that I do, helps me feel. . .well. . .nobody feels that way about me, but. . .still. . .it seems like a possibility worth not giving up on, yet.

If/when your T does hate you -- what would be the effect on you, do you think? Not that it will happen -- and maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world, or the end of the relationship necessarily, if it did happen.

Has it been that others have, or might have, hated you in the past, with horrific, traumatic results for you, and that is something that remains for you still to feel? If so, I can understand why you or anybody, or me, would "resist". The pain is so really horrible. And yet. . .it's part of you. Whom someone could love.

I guess maybe I should turn that back around on myself? -- well, not yet, though. This stuff sure ain't easy, that's for sure.

I am wondering if maybe things are at an impasse with your T. It sounds like you've done a ton of great work with him for the last seven or eight years, but maybe it would be helpful to try working with somebody new for a while, if that's a financial possibility. It doesn't mean you could never go back to your current T, and maybe a fresh perspective would give you a chance to be in a different place with him in the future. Being in a position where staying and going feel equally intolerable sounds really awful, and I don't think trying to get him to hate you (if that's even possible) would fix things or make you feel better.

Please disregard if this doesn’t relate to you JD, but I identify with what you’re saying.

PrevT once said that to me, ‘No matter how much I give, it’s never enough.’
At the time, I thought she was blaming me for feeling needy, etc. I thought she was criticizing me. But I checked with her later and she said she wasn’t blaming me, she was observing how past traumas had hurt me.

I was so glad we cleared that up. I carried that guilt (that I’m too much) around for years.

JD, It’s not your fault!