[DP_2017]

I know many of you here have done this. I'm curious how T responded when you did and did it change things between you at all?

In a round about way, I told mine. In a letter but didn't use the exact words, he just picked up on it. He's well aware I feel this way but I can't verbalize it to him no matter how much I try.

I know why I can't. There's something stopping me and that's fine I guess but I'm unsure why I still have the desire to say it out loud to him. I already was told he won't respond in any way if I do. I already know there's no actual need to say it. It wont mean anything to him but yet this desire keeps nagging me but I can't do it.

Any advice on how to get rid of the urge to say it? I know I never will so I'd like to stop thinking about it and wanting to.

I said it to my T years ago. I spent the session fighting with myself to say it, crying - trying to get it out of my head - thought it would be a ground breaking confession.
Whrn it happened, T smiled and not a word was spoken about it again. LMAO!!!!

[ArtleyWilkins]

I think I probably said it to my therapist at one time or another, but it wasn't an big deal for me to say. It was not anything but love I would have for anyone I cared about -- like a close friend or family member -- platonic, not romantic -- so I didn't have any qualms about saying it. I honestly don't remember the event of saying it because it just wasn't a huge deal to do so. I know my therapist did the same, and again, it was not a big event, just something said in conversation along the way.

I know that for some people, saying those words feels like it comes with such heavy baggage. I'm sure that makes it weigh on your mind and creates anxiety about it. But I don't think it is all that unusual for people to share those words with each other simply out of gratefulness for relationship and support. My experience has been that most people don't get terribly freaked about by those words, but until you've had enough of those normalizing experiences, I'm sure it is anxiety-making.

Have you considered just writing down, maybe a short letter, those words? For me, it isn't so much the words as it is why I feel that sense of love for an individual. Often it is because of their kindness and support, and I've found people appreciate being appreciated -- and if love is part of that feeling of appreciation, that's pretty natural.

[Echos Myron redux]

It started "in parentheses" as T put it at the time. And it grew to a point where I could say "I love you" directly. I am now beginning to talk about the parts that are "in love" with him. It feels like what am willing to say is growing all the time.

[DP_2017]

Definitely too much meaning on my end. It's not something I say to anyone ever, unless they are a dog. Probably knowing it's just whatever to him too makes it hard. I know he wont be phased in the slightest which is fine but again, why bother then? I know it's pointless but my stupid mind can't get that. I need it to stop.

[DP_2017]

Also, no, I don't want or expect to hear it back. As hard as it is for me to say, even harder for me to accept from someone. I'd distrust him greatly if it happened. At the same time knowing there would be 0 response or reaction makes it worse. Like I've thought of texting it but I know he would not reply and ignoring texts brings a whole different set of anxiety.

I'm such a mental mess.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I told my T in an email. I don't think we talked about it. Later, I asked her if she loves me. She started off with the "why do you want to know?" and "how will this help you". Finally, she told me that she doesn't love her clients. However, we were talking about my definition of love (i.e. caring and sacrifice) and she agreed she felt the same. So I guess she does love me? Just doesn't use the word? Idk. When I bring it up now, I just say she doesn't love me. I'm okay with that. She accepts that I love her, and I accept she doesn't love me.

[Waterloo12345]

I've signed off emails with 'Love Waterloo' but I've made it clear that it's a maternal thing not romantic. And that it's my child part (or one of) saying it. Didn't really get a response either way but continued care. I want to be able to work up to that child part saying it out loud.

It seems like that is completely accepting it, acknowledging it, honouring that bit of the relationship and then hopefully, as those needs are met then there will be integration and it will all fade away.
I'm not sure how close I am to that though!

[SlumberKitty]

I told former T a few times that I love her, mostly after she was sick with MS and I knew our time was ending. But I think I said it a few times before then. I didn't really get a response until our last session when she told me she loves me too. Kit.

[toomanycats]

I talk around it, I use the word love - talk about his love, etc., but I don't think I've ever outright said "I love you." But, he also talks about "you're afraid you will lose my love," etc., and that's enough for me to know it's OK

[SalingerEsme]

I'm not sure if I love my T in the capital L way, because there's less reciprocity in the degree of knowing each other that most real life relationships I consider love. I wonder what he sees when he looks out the window at the city street all the time; I am never sure what is genuine empathy and what is disjunctive for my own good. I get the feeling he loves his family, which makes me kind of sure he doesn't love me, though he is committed to me as a psychologist- sensitive and attentive during the hour. To me, love is between two people who both know one another, not one way. I am not allowed to give as much to my T as I receive from him, and it prevents me from thinking oh I love you. I will say, unlike most posters defining love in differing platonic ways, my T is a peer in many ways, and to me love would be romantic love if I said it and I think he would hear it that way. We do have a chemistry, and I would definitely want to see if there would be love in the real world if such things could happen without ethics travesties and harbingers of long-lasting damage of all kinds. I know that can't/ won't happen, so I set aside the idea of if I love him or if he loves me as something that can never be known.

[Cantfindthewords]

I’ve told my T in emails and want to say it to her but I’m terrified of her reaction. She clearly doesn’t love me, i’m Unloverble. I get that, I had a childhood of it, of telling my parents I loved them and them telling me they didn’t love me. In my last email I wrote to T, I said we both know you can’t say you don’t love me because it will be too damaging for me, so we skirt around it. It’s annoying and in a way I think if she just said, I don’t love you, I could deal with all this a lot easier, less transference Etc. I said to her in one particular bad session that she doesn’t care about me, I’m just a number to her and she said how do you think that makes me feel? My instant reactions was to apologise, but actually, why should I care what you feel? It’s about me not you!

Wish she did love me though, I imagine being loved is a nice feeling.

[DP_2017]

Thanks for all the replies about your experiences. Has been interesting to read and see how various T's handle it

[Calilady]

The closest I came was just telling her that I cared very deeply for her and that there was a natural affinity for her since day one (which she questioned was romantic or not and annoyed the hell out me- I emotionally shutdown right after).

I do have a sincere question:

Can you love someone you don't really know?
Do you really love them or is it just the idea of them?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Calilady

I do have a sincere question:

Can you love someone you don't really know?
Do you really love them or is it just the idea of them?

I assume you are asking me this... so I'll say, yes, because without much details, my T is very self disclosing, and let's just say, in the year and a half I've known him, I can tell you more personal things about him and his life/family/health etc than I could about my best friend of 6 years.

I have not just seen his "kind" sides either. I've seen him angry, depressed etc... so yes my feelings are real. They don't seem like "just therapy" to me.... but love the idea of him? No... he's very flawed and I'm well aware of that. I love the man I've gotten to know...

[rainbow8]

I've told my T I love her, first in email and then later in person. She surprised me by signing an email "love T" once and I asked if that was a mistake! She said "no," and we talked about "therapy love ". She is a very kind and loving person; she probably loves most of her clients in that way. So it feels natural for me
to say and write "I love you" and to get emails signed "love, T." It's nice but doesn't seem so special anymore.

[feileacan]

I have told him my T I love him. Not very often but not because I would be scared or embarrassed. I've said it when I've felt in clearly in the moment and those moments are rare because mostly I feel confused, fragmented, irritated or empty.

The first time I said it he just accepted it like it would be something very natural. Last time when I said it quite few months ago, he did not accept it like this anymore but pointed out that I don't really see him as a separate person and that I actually love the motherly function he performs for me. I suppose it was/is still correct. I did not feel bad him pointing it out because this is just the overarching topic we work on presently - being able to see and perceive other people as separate subjective entities. I still have great difficulties with that.

As for him loving me, he said it several time during our first two years. It felt good to hear it back then but of course there was no way I could really believe it because I had no idea what it would mean. Now he has changed over time and prefers not to say it but now I know he loves me. I'm so sure of it now that I don't really need him to spell it out. I said once during the last year that I know that he loves me and he just agreed. Considering what we've come through together it just feels natural.

years ago one of my younger alters would tell T they loved her, and she would say.... in english I guess it might be like saying “ thats sweet”.
but after about a year, she started saying it back.
we have a very strong relationship. now we both tell each other “i love you” often. not every time of course. but when it feels like a good time to say it.

[Elio]

It took a long time for me to verbally say it. I had written it significantly before then. Now it is part of the ending of every session. She replies "I know". This is something that has worked out for us - being believed (or not believed) is an issue for me. For others, the "I know" might be bothersome.

She has not told me that she loves me. She has told me that she cares about me. And when I say that she loves me, she has acknowledged it in some way to indicate that I am accurate in my belief. Me saying that she loves me took even much longer to happen.

[weaverbeaver]

I told my first t and she nearly died! She stuttered and after a few minutes of not knowing what to say or do terminated!

[junkDNA]

he said he was touched and some other things relating to parents and healthy relationships with ur parents

[satsuma]

I love my T. But I don't ever want to say those words to him because I think he would get worried about ethical dilemmas: thinking that I was suggesting that something romantic could happen between us, or something like that. So I keep it to myself. It's true that it has sometimes been painful in how it highlights the one-sidedness of therapy, that I can't really be as important to him as he is to me. But I feel that thankfully, at this point, I am comfortable with the therapy relationship and with caring a lot about my T even though I'm not in his 'real' life outside of his work, but also knowing that he does truly care about me, even if I am part of his work.

[piggy momma]

I don’t love my T. Not like that.

I respect the vows he took as a priest. But even if he hadn’t, I still wouldn’t love him like that. I AM very attached to him tho.

My last T, I did love, and he knew it.

[RaineD]

I love my T. It's the fierce and untainted love of a child for its parent. I've never experienced this sort of pure, devoted love before, and it is magical.

I wanted to tell him for a long time but never found the courage until I knew he was dying. I knew I had to tell him before he died or I'd regret it forever. Even then, I texted it instead of saying it in person. It took several more months before I was able to tell him in person. Once I started though I couldn't stop. The last time I talked to him, I said it over and over again. Such a bittersweet experience.

ETA: He told me he loved me in the end, which I'm sure he never would have done had he not been dying. Even then he was careful about it, saying only that he loved me the way my father should have loved me.

[elisewin]

I have told her I feel love for her and she has stated the same to me. But the word "love" doesn't feel larger than life to me. Actions and feelings meand more than a word.