[satsuma]

I know this topic has been covered in the past, it's something I'm experiencing a bit at the moment. Wanting to be 'special' in some way to T. For example, I wonder whether he talks to his partner about how his day went and whether the day we meet is more rewarding to T, or if he thinks about me a bit more than about everyone he meets in a week, or something like that.

I think these thoughts (of mine) seem a bit immature, like a child wanting to be the teacher's favourite or wanting all the parent's attention just for them. On the other hand, I partly think it's understandable, because T has been such a hugely important figure in my life, while for him I'm a small part of his working week. So I guess it would help to redress that imbalance to know that our work was in some way 'special 'to T as well.

Final thought on this is that I have been emotionally stable for quite a long time now, haven't had any crises, and I seem to be finally reaching the point where I'm able to trust people, and that includes trusting T. So I might have thought that therapy would become less important to me after reaching such a stable point in life, but funnily it seems to be bringing up all these feelings about wanting to be special. Which is not what I was expecting.

Just wondering if anyone else feels something similar, and if anyone has any thoughts?

[DP_2017]

I think it's pretty common. I know I had it and I felt it... but now looking back I'd say be careful what you wish for

[InnerPeace111]

I’m just the opposite. I mean it’s nice to know if she’s thought about me during the week but I’m more content with just dropping off her radar and “disappearing” during the week to live my life. I don’t like attention and will do anything to avoid it. It makes me happy to think she is thinking about her other clients and not me. Ironically, this doesn’t diminish the feeling I have for her or our relationship.

[MoxieDoxie]

Yes I feel that way as well. It has to do with not being wanted, loved, cared for as a child. They are unmet needs. These feelings can be unbearable at times for me. Some how we are suppose to "go inside" and take care of that child part that did not get what it needed. Hug it, tuck it in to bed..........I say ********. It does not work.

[toomanycats]

This is very normal. I certainly feel this way too. I want to be special to my T, and I think that I am - not special in an inappropriate way, but special in that I'm not just a number & he genuinely cares and thinks about me even when we aren't together.

[SalingerEsme]

I feel this way too, and I am ashamed of it. I have been special to romantic partners and friends, but not in my family. I was always a good student, team member , kid whatever, but never the best, the most, or really either standing out or falling down. My T is soooo busy. He even ut up new rules for his practice on his waiting room table bc he doesn't have time to talk to people individually, and he has lots of days off with his family. I just get forlorn that he doesn't remember/like me that well, except for the gothic C-PTSD story about me, and that makes me feel lost a bit.

[Lrad123]

I think many of us want this, to be seen and liked for who we really are. I can’t help but be super skeptical about my therapy by nature so I don’t know if I’m special in any way to my T. I feel sort of ashamed even thinking about it, so maybe I should think about it some more!

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I think it's pretty common. I know I had it and I felt it... but now looking back I'd say be careful what you wish for

This. Seriously this. My ex-T told me a million times that I was "special" and when he abandoned and ghosted me, he ruined my life. Or what's left of it anyway.

[nottrustin]

I look at it from the perspective that a person can truly care about multiple people in the same way for their different attributes. As a mother of three I love and care about all the of them and they are all special to me because of their different personalities and talents. Just because my daughter is special to me doesnt mean that my boys are not.

In my experience Ts can be very much like that. T and I had a very special relationship. I tought her many things. We had a special bond, and when I read in her office it was like nobody else existed. However it doesn't mean that any any of her other clients are less special.

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Yes I feel that way as well. It has to do with not being wanted, loved, cared for as a child. They are unmet needs. These feelings can be unbearable at times for me. Some how we are suppose to "go inside" and take care of that child part that did not get what it needed. Hug it, tuck it in to bed..........I say ********. It does not work.

It's hard isn't it!! I know that you're right. When I was young I didn't really realise that there was anything wrong with the adults who were supposed to care for me and I unconsciously assumed that if I felt bad it was because I was a bad person. It's hard to get one's head around 'unlearning' those unhelpful things.

I think that maybe everything can never be ok in the sense of 100% healed, exactly on a level playing field just as if nothing bad had happened and needs had been met. But what I am very thankful to experience is that things can be so so so much better than before.

It's a good point to be at and I feel fortunate and thankful ... even tho Go as you say, these feelings can be very hard ... I hope that things keep on getting better and better for you too

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I think it's pretty common. I know I had it and I felt it... but now looking back I'd say be careful what you wish for

So sorry to read about what has happened with your T, DP, that's a rEALLY upsetting situation

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by InnerPeace111

I’m just the opposite. I mean it’s nice to know if she’s thought about me during the week but I’m more content with just dropping off her radar and “disappearing” during the week to live my life. I don’t like attention and will do anything to avoid it. It makes me happy to think she is thinking about her other clients and not me. Ironically, this doesn’t diminish the feeling I have for her or our relationship.

It's interesting! I think I am often seen as very quiet and reserved within a group 'in real life' but in therapy I want to be special...

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

This is very normal. I certainly feel this way too. I want to be special to my T, and I think that I am - not special in an inappropriate way, but special in that I'm not just a number & he genuinely cares and thinks about me even when we aren't together.

Thank you toomanycats. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one to have these kind of feelings. (I feel a bit silly, sometimes...) I agree that we can want T to care in a way that makes therapy 'special' and meaningful, without crossing over into being in any way inappropriate. (As others have pointed out, if our T really did tell us we are more special than anyone else then it would be a huge red flag...)

[coolibrarian]

I have felt similarly for most of my life. I'm sorry, but I'm unable, at this time, to say more about it, as I am trying desperately not to go to pieces.

[Salmon77]

This is a big issue for me, too. First I want to feel like I'm special to someone, then I perceive myself as feeling "needy" and withdraw from the person so they won't know how needy I am and run for the hills, then I feel like crap because I'm alone and my needs aren't getting met. It's a very bad system.

[lucozader]

Oh yeah, I definitely feel this too, massively. I guess I don't think it's immature exactly... I think it's pretty normal for everyone to want to really matter to other people who they care about. But I know what you mean - it can have a really childlike quality. I always was a teacher's pet anyway.

R did make me feel special. A bit too much, probably. C made me feel like he had no idea who I was sometimes.

On Wednesday I said to M that I thought he'd seen the 'worst possible version' of me, and yet he still seemed to think I was okay, and that felt good, even though it was his job to do that. He asked what I meant - I said he was showing me 'unconditional positive regard', he's a person-centred therapist, that's his job. He said something about how he has to make an effort to do that with some people but he didn't feel like he'd been doing that with me, he felt like he'd just been 'being himself'. So... yeah. That made me feel special. It seemed like he was saying that he likes me. F**k knows why he would and the suspicious, protective part of me didn't like it at all, but the part of me that wants to feel special certainly did.

[katydid777]

I would like to feel special by someone, but I don't feel special by anyone, not even my H.

Think it's more about wanting to feel cared about than being special. For those of us they didn't have the right level of care growing up, it can feel as if we need something out of this world 'special' once you've had enought care. That feeling of wanting to be 'special' changes

[koru_kiwi]

i use to feel this way, often, starting from a young age wanting to feel specail with any adult who would pay me any kind of attention. including with the neighbour who sexually abused me (he often told me i was special). i definilty felt it strongly with both of my ex-Ts when i was in therapy, it is part of the dynamics of what makes the transference and attachment so strong. what moxie said about this is mostly correct:

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

It has to do with not being wanted, loved, cared for as a child. They are unmet needs. These feelings can be unbearable at times for me. Some how we are suppose to "go inside" and take care of that child part that did not get what it needed.

i've seen this refereed to as 'wantedness', and that it is communicated to babies from their mothers at a very early stage, some believe it most likely starts in utero. the feeling of being wanted is critical to a child learning to self-regulate and feeling safe in this world. a baby who does not experince the world, or their mother as safe, is going to fear for their survival. these feelings of fear will be encoded, not only into the early developing brain, but into the body as well. to overcome the early encoded feelings of fear the adult client needs to learn (train the brain/form new neural connections) on how to regulate (self-sooth). when the mind and body start to regulate, then the client can start to feel mothered. this is where attunement with a therapist is important and can be helpful. if the attunement with a T is sustainable, then this can be quite healing for some clients. personally, it wasn't enough for me and i had to seek other means to learn how to regulate my mind. for me it was with with the help of neurofeedback in conjunction with my therapy, but there are others methods as well. as i started to experince the regulation and calming, i was able to positively start connecting and working internally with my younger parts and was able to start soothing them successfully with the help from the supporting relationship with my husband. that was very crucial, because my husband could provide the time, support, and physical 'soothing' connection that my T realistically could not. essentially, my husband was becoming more attuned to me and my needs than my T and it was through this safe attunment that my brain learned to form those new self regulating neural pathways (connections).

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Hug it, tuck it in to bed..........I say ********. It does not work.

this is the part i don't agree with anymore. i use to...especially each time i got annoyed when i felt like my T was brushing me aside and telling me i had to learn how to sooth myself. the problem though was realistically that neither i (who had no clue what this concept was because it was never 'encoded' to me) or my T had any clue on how to do that effectively with the limitations of talk therapy and the dynamics of the relationship. this is where i had to seek other means to learn that and get those needs met. once one can learn to regulate the mind and body, this is where the real healing can begin. for some clients, the attunment with T can be enough, but unfortunately for many of us with CPTSD this is not enough and that regulation must be found through other means,i.e. body centred therapies (somatic experiencing, neurofeedback, EMDR, etc),than talking alone and a limited 'caring' non-reciprocated relationship.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

this is the part i don't agree with anymore. i use to...especially each time i got annoyed when i felt like my T was brushing me aside and telling me i had to learn how to sooth myself. the problem though was realistically that neither i (who had no clue what this concept was because it was never 'encoded' to me) or my T had any clue on how to do that effectively with the limitations of talk therapy and the dynamics of the relationship. this is where i had to seek other means to learn that and get those needs met. once one can learn to regulate the mind and body, this is where the real healing can begin. for some clients, the attunment with T can be enough, but unfortunately for many of us with CPTSD this is not enough and that regulation must be found through other means,i.e. body centred therapies (somatic experiencing, neurofeedback, EMDR, etc),than talking alone and a limited 'caring' non-reciprocated relationship.

Have to agree with this and have experienced this same issues myself. Talk therapy helps me in lots of ways but it just can quite seem to reach the levels I think it needs. I think that's because of it's so many restrictions and limited one-sided relationship. Do you think touch (with the right therapist who is safe and maintains good boundaries) in therapy can also be helpful?

[pepper_mint]

My therapist is great, calm, accepting and everything. There's nothing bad I can say about her. But... I always have the thought that she's like that because I pay her.
It is her job to be like that so I can't be sure if she is listening with attention because she really cares or it's just her job to be like that (and to make me feel special).
And even if I'm glad that someone is focused on me, someone cares etc. I'm still worried that it is not real.
I have no idea what to do because these thoughts cause a lot of resistance...
I don't want to talk about my life and my stuff to someone who listens to me because she has to!

Is it possible to accept this somehow and take all help, attention, care - Ts can give, even if we know that it's their job and they are doing this because they have to?
At the moment I stuck because of this problem...

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by Thalassophile

Do you think touch (with the right therapist who is safe and maintains good boundaries) in therapy can also be helpful?

i did have safe touch in therapy with my T, and overall, i do believe it was helpful. for me, it was definilty one of the most beneficial parts of the relationship i had with my T, that i could feel safe enough with him to allow for the physical touch and comfort and one of the more positive aspects of my therapy. i believe coming to allow safe touch from my T helped me to become more comfortable with accepting comforting touch from my husband. prior to therapy, i often cringed at physical comfort or long embraces from my husband. i was 'ok' with sexual touch, but that is because i could easily dissociate it. i reckon the issue with therapy was it just wasn't enough or often in the times that it was critical to receive it, especially at home, while dealing with the post session fallout. this is when i did a majority of my processing, and those are the times that my husband was often available. my T realistically could not be consistent enough in those times of need.

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

i use to feel this way, often, starting from a young age wanting to feel specail with any adult who would pay me any kind of attention. including with the neighbour who sexually abused me (he often told me i was special). i definilty felt it strongly with both of my ex-Ts when i was in therapy, it is part of the dynamics of what makes the transference and attachment so strong. what moxie said about this is mostly correct:


i've seen this refereed to as 'wantedness', and that it is communicated to babies from their mothers at a very early stage, some believe it most likely starts in utero. the feeling of being wanted is critical to a child learning to self-regulate and feeling safe in this world. a baby who does not experince the world, or their mother as safe, is going to fear for their survival. these feelings of fear will be encoded, not only into the early developing brain, but into the body as well. to overcome the early encoded feelings of fear the adult client needs to learn (train the brain/form new neural connections) on how to regulate (self-sooth). when the mind and body start to regulate, then the client can start to feel mothered. this is where attunement with a therapist is important and can be helpful. if the attunement with a T is sustainable, then this can be quite healing for some clients. personally, it wasn't enough for me and i had to seek other means to learn how to regulate my mind. for me it was with with the help of neurofeedback in conjunction with my therapy, but there are others methods as well. as i started to experince the regulation and calming, i was able to positively start connecting and working internally with my younger parts and was able to start soothing them successfully with the help from the supporting relationship with my husband. that was very crucial, because my husband could provide the time, support, and physical 'soothing' connection that my T realistically could not. essentially, my husband was becoming more attuned to me and my needs than my T and it was through this safe attunment that my brain learned to form those new self regulating neural pathways (connections).


this is the part i don't agree with anymore. i use to...especially each time i got annoyed when i felt like my T was brushing me aside and telling me i had to learn how to sooth myself. the problem though was realistically that neither i (who had no clue what this concept was because it was never 'encoded' to me) or my T had any clue on how to do that effectively with the limitations of talk therapy and the dynamics of the relationship. this is where i had to seek other means to learn that and get those needs met. once one can learn to regulate the mind and body, this is where the real healing can begin. for some clients, the attunment with T can be enough, but unfortunately for many of us with CPTSD this is not enough and that regulation must be found through other means,i.e. body centred therapies (somatic experiencing, neurofeedback, EMDR, etc),than talking alone and a limited 'caring' non-reciprocated relationship.

Thank you Koru Kiru, this is a really thoughtful and interesting post.

I also have complex PTSD. Everything you explain here makes complete sense. Have you read 'The Body keeps the score'? Someone on here recommended it and I bought it and read it, I found it was really really helpful to understand these things and how our brains are affected from when we're so young if we don't have our needs met.

I've been fortunate in that I definitely have experienced being attuned with T, I guess that's why it elicits these feelings of wanting to know that I'm special , which can be very difficult and uncomfortable, but it has been hugely healing for me and as I said I notice that I am now able to trust other people, which was never really possible for me before. Perhaps there are different degrees of complex PTSD and I was 'fortunate ' somehow to have such a degree that therapy would be able to really help me.

Also I totally agree with you and with Moxie that it is really unhelpful to tell someone who has never experienced any soothing or comforting in their life that they should soothe and comfort themselves. If it was that straightforward then obviously people would just choose to do it and wouldn't need to spend money on therapy! It may be different for different people, but I'm like you in that if someone said that it would really not help me at all but I would find it upsetting and annoying. I would also hear it as kind of 'blaming', as in how it implies that iam'choosing' to be so dysregulated and upset and I could choose to calm down if I wanted to...

[chihirochild]

Originally Posted by satsuma

Also I totally agree with you and with Moxie that it is really unhelpful to tell someone who has never experienced any soothing or comforting in their life that they should soothe and comfort themselves. If it was that straightforward then obviously people would just choose to do it and wouldn't need to spend money on therapy! It may be different for different people, but I'm like you in that if someone said that it would really not help me at all but I would find it upsetting and annoying. I would also hear it as kind of 'blaming', as in how it implies that iam'choosing' to be so dysregulated and upset and I could choose to calm down if I wanted to...

Ugh, I agree--I get so sick of people telling me to do something but not telling me *how* to do it (or telling me to do things that just don't help).

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I look at it from the perspective that a person can truly care about multiple people in the same way for their different attributes. As a mother of three I love and care about all the of them and they are all special to me because of their different personalities and talents. Just because my daughter is special to me doesnt mean that my boys are not.

Maybe this will sound weird, but I feel the same way about my patients (I'm a doctor but not in psych)--I genuinely care about all of them as individuals, with all of their foibles and mishaps and struggles. The idea that caring for one patient means I've got less to go around for the rest has never occurred to me. I can't explain it very well but it's something I feel very clear about.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Ugh, I agree--I get so sick of people telling me to do something but not telling me *how* to do it (or telling me to do things that just don't help).


Maybe this will sound weird, but I feel the same way about my patients (I'm a doctor but not in psych)--I genuinely care about all of them as individuals, with all of their foibles and mishaps and struggles. The idea that caring for one patient means I've got less to go around for the rest has never occurred to me. I can't explain it very well but it's something I feel very clear about.

It doesnt sound well weird at all. Working in an IOP program I feel the same way. By the end of the program we get to know most of our clients and feel the same way.