“Bratty”/petulant with T?

Does anyone else ever become bratty/whiny/like a petulant child during a session? Kind of like rebellious and pouty, I guess? I feel really weird for ever asking this. But often I’m tempted to or even do it. ExT would call me out on it and tell me that I was way too old to be acting like that (I was 22-23 when I was seeing her) and that I needed to stop that behavior/it wasn’t going to get me the attention that I wanted. I feel like a freak, though, and this is definitely a product of my maternal transference issues with therapists. Curious to see what others have to say about this...

When I'm angry with my T I tend to be passive aggressive more than anything. I don't think I've ever acted out or been bratty, per se. I think I'm more b*tchy lol.

I guess I am kind of alone in this. 😣 I just have such strong urges to act out right now. I’ve done the b*tchy thing, too, haha. But this time it’s just that I want to act like a child all of the sudden. Idk what sparked this. I’ve been such a well-adjusted adult human all week, I had so much to do and I got it all done without freaking out or anything, and then today all of the sudden I feel like a little kid who just wants to like throw a tantrum or something. I do not understand my brain.

I've definitely felt this in therapy--like somehow walking into that office transforms me from an adult into a sullen teenager or a stubborn kid.

I've been all sorts, ways in therapy. Never has T gold me to stop being any certain way.
Is all part of the therapy. What's therapy if you're we present is shut down.
There's reasons we remain stuck in certain defences. Therapy is to bring light and understanding. Not being told to stop it. Thsts the old family of origin behaviour.

I do sometimes, and I'm not keen on your ex T's approach to it. My therapist meets whatever I bring with curiosity and understanding, I wouldn't like to be told to stop.

Let it all out.

I know I act the same, but less than I used to but it's still there.

Does your T ever say to you, these are just thoughts, just feelings? Thus, so what? I wonder if there is anybody that doesn't want to act out in therapy, who has thoughts, feelings, fantasies that thrive under the general calm making of therapy. I have felt and thought and fantasized about doing many childish and otherwise ridiculous things, maybe the brain needs this. I have wondered if these feelings are generated by a desire for resolution (which the brain definitely wants) and when things are really stirred up for me, and when I realize there is a long road ahead to change them, and when the changing or the work needed to do it differently feels like too much, that's when I have these feelings/urges/whatever. Because I think a part of me wants to end this difficult place by pissing off the T and hoping they'll kick me out, so I don't have to deal with this tough stuff anymore.

Feelings and thoughts and what not do not have to lead to action. I think it's only the action that is the issue. So feel away, just use your "wise brain" to accept this is how you feel (for me, the shortest path to ending the feelings, it's like once I acknowledge they are there they leave me alone) and keep the lid on your mouth or your fists or whatever you might use to engage in destructive behavior.

Sometimes. T and I have been exploring the idea of the different parts of me. Teenager me is often very petulant, and it comes out in session at times. My T will point out when the teenager is in the room, but he doesn't shame me for it at all. In fact, he will encourage it, as I actively repress that side of myself.

It makes me sad to hear that your ExT said what they did. There are needs you're having met by acting in that way. Sure, you aren't going to always get what you want by petulance, but that doesn't make what you're doing "wrong."

A therapist is supposed to reflect back to you what reactions your behavior might elicit in the real world--at least point it out to you. A parent who doesn't let herself show annoyance at their kid the fourth time they've whined for a popsicle isn't doing the kid any favors.

I think her point was that I am allowed to feel like a child and express those feelings and desires that come with that, but it is not okay for me act out those behaviors, it’s inappropriate and will hurt me in life.

I tend to express stronger emotions via email, and just today in fact, I sent an email where I said “F*** you,” to T. I’d say that was my bratty, petulant side for sure. I imagine that when I see him next he will not be offended by this, but will validate my feelings of being frustrated by therapy and the emotions it brings out. He hasn’t ever told me to stop. I keep waiting for it, but it hasn’t happened yet.

I also did not express myself growing up. I was well-behaved, polite, etc, and I’d say I’m pretty much that way in my adult life too. My therapy relationship can be all over the place and I’m still figuring it all out.

I think that when we are looking at the emotions we experience in therapy, we need to remember that when we are talking to our therapists, they are humans too, and deserve respect. I have been very, very upset with my therapist many times. It's part of the therapeutic process. It's gonna happen. They know it and we know it. However, I don't think that being rude, insulting, or arrogant is ever permissible. Before you hit "send" on that email, ask yourself if there is a better way to state what you are feeling. For me, I have started journalling, and it lets me get all my emotions out in whatever way I see fit, and then I can sort out the facts and state the facts to my therapist. Facts can contain feelings.. ."I am angry with you because you made me feel like this" "I am feeling hurt by your comment that..." etc.

As someone who is in school to be a psychologist, please, just please, don't be rude or insulting. They don't deserve it and most won't put up with it.

I wholeheartedly agree. I got that lecture once from a T, and I’ve tried to keep it in mind as much as possible. Especially because I’m going to be a provider some day, too (although, not a T). T let me know that I hurt her with something that I said today, but acknowledged that I also said that it was on me and not her why I was feeling the way I was. I felt really bad, but she told me that I don’t have to feel bad about it, she was just letting me know because she wanted me to remember that she’s human, and also how my words impact others.

I agree with you for the most part, and in the rest of my life I’m extremely polite, considerate, etc. I have always been that way. Maybe I’m exploring something new in my therapy relationship like it’s ok to have strong emotions and express them and know I won’t be rejected (at least by my T) for having them. As far as being angry/petulant/bratty with my T, I think, although it’s a new dynamic for me, I’m probably not as hardcore as perhaps I express on PC. Even my recent “F U” email was peppered with politeness and will likely be followed by a more thoughtful email. I will eventually apologize and he will likely validate my feelings. I guess my take on all of this is that we all have different needs from therapy. Some of us might need to experience being petulant/bratty, etc and maybe it’s not such a bad thing in the big picture.

I don't think it has anything to do with what someone deserves or not. Some people (psychologists/psychotherapists) are just not cut out to work with certain problems (unconscious anger/rage) because they would not be able to manage their own countertransferences.

Other (probably a minority) therapists can work with such things and they wouldn't be offended. They know it is part of the process and has nothing to do with someone deserving or not deserving something. My own T has a hard and strict line on offending behaviour, i.e. when I would try to physically attack him. Taking, digesting and making sense of verbal and emotional attacks is something he considers to be his job.

Rubbish. Therapy is a, safe space.
A good T understands.
I've told mine to f herself.

I notice that there is a difference between exploring bratty behaviours and becoming totally identified with them. I had a friend, a wonderful very good friend, who every time that her therapist didn't respond perfectly to fit her mood went into full toddler freak-out mode. She went into that to the extent that nothing else seemed real, and her emotional world spiralled accordingly. Friends had to bail her out of that for a full 3 years before she stepped back one day and said, "I do that a lot don't I?!"

We need friends to call us on ways that we perpetuate our emotional suffering, but they can do that gently and with appreciation? My dear courageous friend deserved every ounce of my gentleness and humanity, and accepted my occasional reminders to step back from her emotions. She pulled herself through deeper hells that I can imagine.

I'm not expert on therapists - to my mind therapists adopt belief systems like any other humans, and hence they may be limited and limiting. I remind myself that there are zillions of different belief systems, as many as there are human beings. It's all on a continuum but our minds like to think that our individual belief systems are universal.

In fifty years time, current therapeutic practice will seem like science before Einstein - giggle. It has changed considerably over the last century.

I agree strongly with what people have written above about therapists having different abilities and limitations. I would prefer to work with someone who can be honest about that, and occasionally human enough to admit that I have hurt their feelings.

Yes, I agree entirely. If a therapist never lets me know that I hurt her feelings, I won’t learn as well how my actions can affect other people. Though, I must say, there is a good way and a bad way to do that. My current T yesterday told me that in a gentle way and told me I didn’t owe her an apology (even though I have one numerous times), she just wanted to let me know that she is human and help me check myself and my words, and see another perspective (hers). A previous T, who was just not cut out to work with clients like me, actually cried when I told her I didn’t feel like our therapy was helping me. I understand why she was upset, but in that moment with those actions, she made it about her, rather than about me. And that’s where she was mistaken.

Also, while I have done this several times, and I’m not proud of it, I don’t think abusive language ever belongs in therapy. I’ve learned that you can express yourself and what you’re feeling without being abusive. Even the “toughest” T isn’t going to put up with that behavior time and time again, it will eventually wear them down. I do believe it’s possible (and this is usually the case for me) to be petulant and bratty without being abusive. Usually it’s just more of me being pouty and acting like a child. Or sometimes, rather, like a rebellious teenager. I think this time around, I wasn’t abusive to T, but my words were still hurtful. I think that can happen in therapy, and that’s different than being abusive. But we also worked through it and through my immature behavior...T enacted (rather effective) consequences for me, without it being truly punitive, but at the same time discouraging the behavior (she didn’t give me what I wanted, a phone call from her, because of the way I went about asking for it/my actions preceding and following my request), and that worked well. Let me tell you, I learned an important lesson and her technique was super effective...

You can't hurt a therapist. And sometimes they deserve to be insulted.

In fifty years time "therapeutic practice" will be extinct, as it should be.

I remember the first time I was so painfully angry at T, and I said "I feel like telling you I hate you." He said, "so tell me." I was hesitant, but that was the start of me allowing myself to be more honest and emotional with him. I don't think I ever felt safe enough to tell someone I hated them before. For me, I think it has been helpful to be able to feel (and act) hurt, angry and emotional, and to start to realize that he isn't going to go anywhere because of it.

I do think there are limits, and you need to treat your T like a human being, not a punching bag. But I think a good T should allow a place for feelings like this.

I don't think therapy should be considered a "safe space" for the client to exercise his or her skills as a verbal abuser. I also question whether it's helpful to accustom a person to being able to talk to someone else in any way they see fit without consequences. What's the point? Even if some therapists put up with such treatment, people in real life will not (unless they are so downtrodden they cannot defend themselves). So what is the purpose of the client verbally abusing the therapist? If the source of the anger is actually the therapist, I suppose this activity might relieve the client's feelings and has merit on that account. However, if the client is merely taking advantage of the situation to explore what it's like to not have to bite one's tongue, I again ask, to what end? What is the purpose of exploring what it's like to be able to curse someone out without consequence? I can't imagine learning anything good from that - I mean, think what you would want to teach a kid. And there can be consequence without utter rejection. It just sounds to me like your therapist has created a bit of a monster with these emails and gone a bit far with the validation. There's a point at which it gets ridiculous.