Couch 184: Welcome to Zanzibar!

If your into health and wellness I think Jillian Michaels has some
Free podcasts (she’s my woman crush). And if your into weird cult stuff I think Leah Remini might have a few on her battle against Scientology.

My dogs vet appointment is 9:30am-it’s almost 8 here. I have to take a shower. I also have to work tonight.
I almost feel obligated to give them tonight for free. Like a free night of babysitting will be my gift to them. They gave me a generous bonus this year and I feel weird taking money from them tonight. I feel like it would make me look greedy. But I bought the tots some great Christmas gifts and gave it to them on Wednesday. I spent close to $100 on the tots. (No each- total) they are twins so they share all the toys, but there’s still a part of me that will feel greedy charging them for the night even though I could really use the money because the vet visit today is going to cost most of the bonus I got.

I am once again an absolute prisoner of my worry monster and none of the tricks L and I came up with in the past are working today. Ugh. I am irrationally worried that I typed something I shouldn't have in a response to a member a few days ago and I can't let it go. If I typed what I think I might have, and they complain, I will be fired no ifs ands or buts. I can't imagine for a second that I actually DID what I am afraid I did. But that doesn't change the fact that I am scared that I DID. Irrational fear at it's worst. I need to get a handle on this before the worry starts eating me alive. Damn it. I keep telling myself that no amount of worry is going to change what I did if I did what I am afraid I did. It's done. And if I get fired, h and I will deal with it. I will find another job. It is not the end of the world.


But Goddess please.... please.... that I didn't and I don't.

I know why this is getting the best of me right now it's just cuz I'm working so many hours. I'm starting with that to try to let go of this. It is what it is anyway, it's all part of the adventure that is life, I've survived worse than losing a job, I will be fine whatever happens.

I really really really need to learn to stop letting worrying control me. It serves no purpose at all. Well no good purpose. I've gotten better about it, but right now it's got a firm grip on me.

Sorry couch. It's too early for this.

Artie whatever happens, you are wonderful

Navajo rabbit...

I feel lost, so I find myself scouring the cupboards. What's up with that?

Artie I'm sorry you're in a panic right now and highly distressed. How was this message sent? Was it by email or through something like whatsapp that would have left a trace?

Thanks. Our internal messaging system at work. My job is responding to messages our members send via our website. So yeah it's all tracked big time. Sigh. Gads even if I typed what I think I did, I would have deleted it immediately and not sent it. But my brain has boarded the what if train and refuses to get off. This is the 3rd day I've been obsessing about it.

I'm just tired. I know this cuz I'm also contemplating eating donuts. Oh, the horror.

Artie you've worked really hard at work, and I don't think you would deliberately do anything to jeopardize that, but I can understand the fear of not knowing 100% what you sent.

Perhaps this coming up now gives your head something else to focus on other than missing your son.

Personally I'd still eat the dounut even if I was on a diet. I don't count calories but 1 every now and then doesn't have to be cut out completely.

What does the rabbit thing mean? I've seen it here before but not understood it. Cupboards for food or looking to find something to do? For the first it's easy to want comfort.

Got in a big fight with H. He left. It’s over.

I'm so sorry, Jersey. Are you sure it's really over?

That middle part - yes. Thank you.

The Navajo word for rabbit is "gah". So we use it to mean gah.

Hugs, Jersey.

The work you do is valuable. It’s not greedy to get paid for valuable work even when you don’t need the money. The gifts for the children are very generous already.

My other 'part time job' is comfort eating.

I think it has been for quite awhile. I think the fight today was the final straw. He says I waste my time on these nanny jobs. Does he have any idea how hard it is caring for other people’s kids? He says I don’t contribute. That’s not true-I put the same amount towards the bills that he does. He says I don’t love him. Again not true-I would waste 19 years of my life on someone I don’t love. It was a really big blow up.

Oh Jersey. I am so so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Jersey. Hugs

When do you next see R?

I tend to also do this a lot, so my weight does tend to yo-you a bit. I was eating because of stress even though I wasn't hungry. It sounds dumb, but I find chewing gum helpful as it gave my mouth something to do.Do you know what your triggers are?

I'm sorry Jersey.

Do you have anyone to support you right now, a friend you could call?

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