Once a week update.

Had session today.
T said "how are you"
I thought might as well be honest and said "depressed. There is nothing in my life to be the course of it.
I feel so depressed that I feel like I'm loosing the feeling in my face. I even felt like shop lifting yesterday (never have in my life)"

T said "I think you're mourning this. But it's complicated because you're still coming but have cut down. Does it feel like you still have this?"
I said "im trying to. But it feels like it's been smashed to smitherins"
I asked why after all this time is still this way.
T said because of the level of deprivation you begin with.
This feels like you've been deprived. The wanting to shoplift echoes this. It's feeling you've got to steal to get what you need.
She said you know, twice a week seemed enought, but sometimes it wasn't. You can come twice a week. You can come twice a week every now and again if you wish.
You can email!
I said I don't like too. That's taking the piss after I've cut back.
T said "it's about finding what's enought for you. If emailing would help that then email.
I said I'm going to carry on one a week. This may pass.
T said, yes it may. We don't know. You've been pushed right back into early childhood.
I said I feel like a small child in my bedroom right now rembering all the pain I once felt. The wanting to hug my teddy but chucking it on the floor instead because what was the point. I knew my adoptive mother was downstairs. But she wasn't available to me. I can remember it as if it was happening now.
T said, yes. You couldn't trust that it would still be there for you if you trusted it.
Just T's reassurance over me emailing her, help lift the feeling of grief.

I had that moment with my doll, but i didnt know what it meant. But it was a hard moment and i know ive told my ts about it. I get so much from your t.

The first time I took a break from T, I was planning to be off for an entire summer. I was going to do a 3 week vacation and I thought a break would be useful. But I noticed when I left, after a few minutes it was like being gut punched, that familiar sense of loss. I went back the next week (but still did my vacation break).

I went to every other week when I was uninsured and had to pay out of pocket. I could have afforded every week but it seemed like I could power through the time until I was insured again. That worked. Now I'm back to every week although my frequent travels make it every two weeks pretty frequently.

What your T said about deprivation really pings with me. I'm not sure that self deprivation is not the same thing as self harm in many ways. But it's not all the time that we can give ourselves what we desire, and despite the old Brit stiff upper lip thing, I'm not sure how this benefits you other than the desire to stick with the plan you've laid out (I think your move has created physical distance to T's and it takes longer).

But maybe the time it takes to get there and back is worth it. Maybe you're worth it. Maybe it's worth not depriving yourself as maybe you've felt others have deprived you before. If seeing T more frequently would give you a sense of generosity (I'm not quite sure that's the right word that is the opposite of deprivation), that seems good to me. I feel at my best when I feel I have enough emotional deposits to cover the emotional withdrawals I have to give in my life and my work.

Good luck with it, wish you the best.

This concept was at the core of my thread the other day about self-punishment. Is denying ourselves something we want because of some obscure reason (such as sticking to a plan or simply because we can) a form of self-punishment or self-harm? How do we figure out which is most "helpful" for us, given the concepts of distress tolerance, intrusion (being too much), 'crying wolf', stiff upper lip, adulting/childish, 'cutting off nose' and so on?

I can make myself do X or Y, but at what cost or benefit? And how do I know the difference?

Sorry if I am going off thread. I'm really struggling with this at the moment and my window to make decisions is getting smaller.

I don't know if it's a form of self punishment.
Or a testing to see how far T will go to reach me even. Not saying it's that at all. But it's on the table which all the other cards.
I can go back to twice a week. Logistically its a pain.
I truly do want to see if this is just a grief stage and when I'm settled into once a week. I'll be ok.

I guess for me, it's not important whether it's self punishment or not as I'm use to that.
Is important I see exactly where I am in time.