In Session Today: Part VI

Me as well. It was not easy to stop that habit and I did not manage all at once, there were many "relapses"... but the greatest relief when I finally felt free from that compulsion! Very similar to the feelings of freedom and open possibilities for doing healthy things when I finally felt reasonably free of the frequent and intense cravings for my drug of choice (the most disturbing thing ever) after some time of sustained sobriety. So much new-found time and mental energy!

I forgot to add a part about my session yesterday. so I went by my GPS to find this place and it brought me to a urgent care building, that seemed odd to me but I went in, turns out, it was just an UC, and that was an old address. I had to browse a bit and find the current address, which was another 10 min in the other direction. I showed up with 1 minute to spare. At least Monday person, the secretary explained over the phone where they are and it's local to me so I know exactly how to get there.

You were lucky you got there in time. I have got lost and been an hour late before.

Just want to pipe in and say that selfishly, I so much hope that you continue to post. But of course, really I just hope you do whatever is the best for you.

It was bad. I text him afterwards and told him I don't think I can come back ever again.

Oof that sounds rough. I hope it can be repaired if you want it to be.

Rupture / repair! Buy the t-shirt in the Couch Therapy Shop.

Take care.

i'm sorry. i hope you can go back.

Hugs, Echos. Lots of them.

Today’s session felt quite disjointed. I began by telling R that I am struggling with anger and how to contain it.

‘The filter is on today…what I really want to say is, this week has been really tough.’
‘Do you feel as though you have to contain your anger?’
‘Yes.’

I explained that I had a reflexology session on Sunday, and struggled to answer when she asked how I was.

‘You know how I feel about that question. I always want to follow up with ‘What do you mean?’
‘It is a big question.’

I admitted that I was concerned about my anger coming out in ways it shouldn’t, and referenced my irritation at a small mistake in watercolour class.

‘Oh.’
‘Judging by that, you know what happened.’
‘Go on, Lost.’

‘The Critic woke up and I really struggled for the rest of the day. I did not swear, but I did ask ‘Why does this matter so much?’’

‘You were angry, and you didn’t express it. That is a big question.’

Then I realised that I could ask myself the same question about my experience. I pointed out to R that the ‘wasted time and energy button got pushed yesterday’. She asked what I meant, and I explained that the energy I put into the drawing was wasted in the same way as the energy I put into those people.
She pointed out that there are two different responses to my mistake ‘I am so useless’, and ‘Oh, I put so much time into that’ – it sounds like a bit of both.
I confirmed, and then ended up saying ‘If something you invested eight years of your life into explodes in your face, you have a right to be angry.’
‘Can you say that to yourself?’
‘Something I invested eight years of my life into blew up in my face. I have a right to be angry.’

I unlocked something at that point, and reached for her hand. ‘I am feeling really frustrated at the moment, and trying not to cry.’

‘You are feeling like you want to cry, but something is stopping you?’
‘Yes.’

R asked me to describe what anger is like for me – ‘some people see a colour…’ I described a steely-grey lockbox, not quite big enough to contain what I am feeling. We turned to the notion that I had a choice. ‘Leaving the idea that you had a choice aside, was what they did right in your opinion?’

I told the Critic to piss off, and then said ‘It was inexcusable.’ I continued to highlight the ways in which these people knew they were causing me pain, and mentioned the fact that they sent the photos I had asked not be sent.



‘They saw the pain I was in after Chris’ death, and they wanted some of that for themselves. That’s ****ing twisted.’
R closed the session by highlighting the fact that we had come full circle, from self-directed anger ‘to anger at those who deserve it.’
‘I am going to need the last part of that sentence again.’
‘To anger at those who deserve it.’
I explained that the difference this time is that I feel understood. ‘I don’t always feel like I explain myself well, but if you feel like you understand, I can’t be doing too bad a job.’
‘I’m going to reflect that back to you. Do you feel like I understand?’

‘Yes.’
‘You said that you “couldn’t be doing too bad a job”…keep that in the bag, and the next time you feel that anger coming up, try to realise that it’s not directed at you.’

R said that she’d noticed today was the first time I had named an emotion I felt at the time and still feel. She pointed out that there was a time when I really struggled to name any emotion I was feeling.

After I told my T I didn't think I could see him again, he messaged back saying he wants to work through this and he wants to encourage me to come. I emailed him asking what the point is and he sent me a thoughtful reply, including saying what he thought of something that had triggered me, which he hadn't disagreed with in session. But he did disagree with it in the email.

I asked if he could have a conversation with me tomorrow. He said yes. I consider this crisis talks

I wish you well. The one time when I vowed that I'd never speak to mine again and was incredibly angry and hurt by him, I went anyway so I could say my peace, turned out to be the best choice, we became closer after that. All the best for you in this situation

Thanks DP. I have had rupture/repair with him before and it has been really helpful. This feels different because I'm not really angry with him, I just feel unable to cope with the levels of shame rising from within me. Or I did. I was in a lot of pain when I left on Wed but I feel like my defences have had an opportunity to refortify and I feel very little. Which means we can't even really work on it. It just feels so pointless.

I am meeting him on Skype in just under an hour.

had a light session with T yesterday

I could tell T was tired. I asked if he is sleepy, he confirmed, said he didn't get much sleep last night

I can usually tell when T is "off"

but this time I didn't attribute it to myself and blame myself for it! which feels like progress

After a few despairing emails back and forth yesterday, today we Skyped and it went okay, I think. At the start I said I felt very bad after last session. He said what kind of bad? I said I told you, shame. He asked did it feel like it was all about what happened in the session or did it feel historical? I said "I don't know. Well, actually even if I do know, I don't care. The purpose of this for me is to work out whether I want to come back. I don't want to get into those feelings now".

Then we were both very quiet. To the point where at times I was anxious he would think the screen had frozen. I was starting to think this was pointless.

I told him something that had happened in a group I attended after our session (transferencey stuff with an older man) and he didn't respond. I said "You're very quiet, T". He said he was aware that the purpose of this is for me to work out whether I want to come back, so he's torn about his response, but he had been thinking about how I go through a similar process with him, and he isn't sure whether we've gotten to the bottom of what that's all about. Then he said "not that we need to know".

I asked him about what he had said last session (I've briefly summarised what happened last session in a quote box above because I'm aware I haven't written about it. I haven't felt up to it). He said "Okay, if you want to go there..." I said "what does that mean?" he said "Just that it feels like thin ice" he went to continue and I said "You have choice, you have agency, you don't have to go there". He said "I feel like you are saying it would help you make a choice about whether to come back".

He went on to say that he had been anxious about the appropriateness of what he was saying (that he loves me) and had added the last bit to be really clear about what he was trying to express. Not, as I imagined, that he thought that either I thought he was in love with me, or that I wanted him to be. I was quiet and he said "now you're really quiet". I said "It's a lot to take in and process, but if that was thin ice, you navigated it well". He said "good".

He said he thought of our ongoing metaphor about being roped together climbing a mountain. He said he felt like I had fallen over, he had really steady footing and wanted to help me; I was getting my knife out to cut the rope and he was saying "No, don't cut the rope, I've got you". I liked that analogy. I sat quiet, taking it all in. I said I was wondering what the benefits are to continuing and what the benefits are to cutting the rope. He said it depends how I would feel about continuing alone. I said "Are you telling me there's no train back down the mountain?"He said "It's quite an amusing thought that we are fighting our way through this ice and snow, yet there's a train station round the corner".

I said I wasn't 100% sure I was ever not going to come on Wednesday. He said "You convinced me". I said I wasn't lying to you. I wish I hadn't said that because now you think I was being manipulative. He said he didn't think that at all. That it's how I was feeling at the time and I expressed that. He said he thinks he heard that I am coming on Wednesday and he is pleased about that.

My Amazon Echo randomly started speaking. I told him we must have said something that sounded like "Alexa". He looked a bit sheepish and I said "sorry I forgot you are scared of AI". He said "Not scared, just wary.". Then my cat went through the cat flap and he said "What's that? Is Alexa getting the hoover out?" I said "No! it's the cat. The cat flap is right behind me."

We came up to the hour. He asked if I was okay to end there. I said yes. We were quiet. I said it feels weird without the hug. He said He doesn't think there's a way to do that virtually. I found a little heart button and I pressed it and it sent a flashing heart to him. He sent one back to me. We said see you on Wednesday and hung up.

Holy **** that just triggered me. Something related to things with my T. It's not your fault or anything but I wasn't expecting to read that and be hit with this feeling.

Anyway.... I'm glad the session was good, and ya virtual without hugs is no fun. I can relate to that. I'm glad you opted to keep trying to work on things.

Thanks for sharing this, love the ongoing metaphor.

EMR my first reaction was I want me some of that train back down the mountain. 😂

But we don't really do we? The bottom of the mountain for me was a loss of f crap with no hope of better that I was ready to exit from.

It's a hard old climb but the view in the brief times the cloud cover clears, or the fresh bracing air, or the exhilaration of pulling self up that pass - it's all good isn't it?

At the moment I'm in a cravasse, having fallen through what I thought was solid ice, therapist is up top peering over the lip, urging me to grab hold of the rope and pull my self up, she's pulling on the rope too but I need to do my part. And it seems easier to lie here in the cold icy pit looking up at the unreachable sun.

Am also avoiding my feelings by waxing lyrical 🙄🙄 hugs

Thanks Waterloo, I love the way you've envisaged the metaphor. Yeah I guess I probably don't want the train back down again. I've been at the bottom of this mountain and I came to therapy. I don't want to see the bottom again. There really are some good, heartening parts to this process, but it's hard to think of those when you are in the crevasse and exhausted.

Such a touching write-up, Echos. I can feel the connection between you and your T (via your words). I can feel the care and even love (appropriate/therapeutic love)
he has for you. My T has also used a mountain climbing metaphor....and it resonates.

Echoes - yep, thats the tshirt. I have about 5 of them. But im afraid i quit before i got the last 2 in the set. I will have to go back for those, but i believe they only come in a size small.

((Echos))

You are brave.

-I was saying how I saw the doc at the campus student health center and how I really really like him. And that he was really supportive back when I was ending up in the ER a lot. I mentioned that he'd also been understanding about the situation when I absolutely refused to see another doc there again. My T asked if that was the doctor who'd made the inappropriate comments. This was like six months ago and I thought he hadn't really been paying attention at the time because he was more focused on my SH, much to my frustration, so I'd thought he wouldn't remember it. I definitely didn't get the validation I needed at the time, but when I said yes it was the same doc he asked if I'd ended up reporting him, and I said I didn't think it would be taken seriously. My T said from what he remembered that those comments had been really inappropriate. I don't remember his exact language, but it was basically validation that those comments went well beyond crossing the line.

-We talked about the belief that "it wasn't that bad." He brought up if we could hypothetically have a video of my father's tirades how I'd feel watching it and whether I'd still say it wasn't that bad. I acknowledged that I would probably think it was pretty bad. A bit later he brought up the concept of a video of me being upset and like crying in my room at night because my mom wouldn't come home to tuck me in. He asked if I'd still say the things I was saying about myself. I reflexively made a face of disgust and said yes, absolutely, I would hate it and think it was disgusting and pathetic and weak. He wasn't expecting that answer. He asked if I'd really feel that way watching a video of it, and I said yes, I would feel shame and disgust. He asked if I'd believe that about another child and I said no, but that was different.

-I cried a bit. That was unusual.

-He referred to me being "triggered" and said it was "like PTSD" multiple times

-at the very end when we were talking about my feelings of disgust with myself he said he understood where those feelings came from, talked about them being how I adapted, but said it was hard to listen to how I felt about myself

I burst into tears after reading this. My therapist believed you could have virtual hugs. The last time I talked to him was over FaceTime, and at the end, he said, let's have one last hug.

Your post made me miss my therapist so badly...