T asked for help

Would she pay for your time and expertice?
Or would you still be the only one paying for work done to the other?

Exploitation doesn't have to be consciously intentional. She may not believe she is exploiting you, but objectively she is. Just because someone means well doesn't necessarily mean they do no harm. In fact, most harm people do to each other is not intentional. It inflicted unconsciously. That's why the person's behavior needs to be separated from who they are as a human being. Decent people can do some very harmful things, believe it or not This is the reality that is very difficult for many people to accept and deal with. Human beings are incredibly complex. The same person can show great human qualities in one area of their life and behave very indecently in some other areas. I've known people like that. What's more, in my experience, they are more of a norm than an exception.

So, I'd recommend not to give much importance to who the person is, but, instead, to watch what they do and decide if it sits well with us or not. The truth is that we can never know who the other person is because we don't even know who we are. The "Self" is an illusion, because it changes and fluctuates all the time and, ultimately, it's just a combination of myriads of conditioned reactions, defenses and behavioral patterns, nothing more than that, and all that is changeable. When I am hungry, I am a very different person from who I am when I just had my meal. This is just a tiny example of how undefined and impermanent the "Self" really is.

Your Ts intentions have nothing to do with what her actions mean. She may mean well and she may even believe that doing things for her may help you in some way. It doesn't matter what she believes. What matters is how this will, ultimately, affect your well-being and how it is already affecting you. You are in an emotional turmoil over it already. If you do what she wants you to do, it's going to be only more confusing and distressing for you as the time goes by.

Exactly. And that's the main problem. As a therapist, it was her responsibility to think about what this means for you.

This idea, that only you possess the skill set or special quality or personality required to assist her, is extremely questionable, and extremely detrimental not only to your personal well-being, but to the very tenets of psychotherapy. As my t would say, therapy has stopped.

You are playing with fire. Or leading with your id.

Not knowing what she wants you to do makes it hard to assess. Is it something she feels benefits you? Or is it truly something she needs help with and is too cheap to hire someone?

Or is it something where you're an expert and no one else in the area is? I feel like that's maybe the one case where it could possible be OK. Like, I don't know, you're trained as an archivist and she needs certain documents preserved (though I'd think something like that you could do without being in her home).

Is this the same T that asks for rides? Or was that your previous T?

It’s the same t. It’s not something I am an expert in at all. She offered to pay me for my time but I can’t except it. We argued about that for a bit because she wasn’t comfortable unless I was paid but I am not comfortable taking money because I am not an expert and don’t really know that much about it. I don’t even know what it is she wants me to do on her computer yet

The fact that she asked for your help like this is problematic and the fact that she wanted to pay you is also problematic.

This doesn't sound OK to me. There are plenty IT people who could help her with her computer problem. I have no idea why would she ask you for help. What's more, working on her pc could reveal a lot about her personal life which might not be good for you.

Computer? That's totally bizarre. It just doesn't make sense at all besides the fact that it's unethical whatever it is and regardless of whether she'd be paying you or not.

I would find another Therapist for at least one session to discuss this entire situation with instead of listening to us. I mean....what do we know? You are going to go do what you want anyway. Are we changing your mind? You need a seasoned professional to talk to about this and help sort out your feelings.

I don’t know that much about what she wants me to do but I also am in no way an expert on computers and it is helping to talk about it so thank you!
I may just ask another therapist if this is ok to ask a client to do just for some professional advice

You already know the answer to that question. A more revealing question might be what do you gain from repeating similar questions and hearing similar responses about the questionable ethics of your therapist? Or, if your therapist is not unethical, what is your investment in framing her as such?

OK, then that seems especially odd that she asked you. And strange that she hasn't told you exactly what it is that she wants you to do--how does she even know that you'd know how to do it? Plus the fact that it would take multiple visits.

I guess I am confused as to why you need to ask another therapist if this is ok. You have like 4 pages of answers from people that overwhelmingly say its not ok...do you think we are all wrong or do not have the facts straight? (no offense meant)

So this same T already asks you inappropriately for car rides. Is this also the same T who you say ignores you unless she wants something?

Also, I don't know your location, but where I'm at, having a client near the therapists computer with access to information wouldn't be legal. It'd be a violation of the other clients rights. There are a ton of laws on this.

As someone who has done freelance work for a long period of time, let me tell you that this won't work, even if you factor out the fact that this is your T.

False claims: If she needs a computer job done, there are plenty of people around whom she could hire, even in rural areas.

She is unspecific about what she needs you doing.

>>> So you are left unable to decide whether you have the skills necessary to do the job.

>>> Since she is not specific you are also left unable to determine how much time the job would need, both in best case and in worst case scenario. This means you might commit for a task that is far beyond your time capacities.

>>> What if T is not happy with your job? Are you supposed to improve the outcome? How often would that be? How often would you feel obliged (or rather forced) to do this?

So even if you look at this from a "professional" angle only (without the T-factor): This simply cannot work and you'd get the short end of the stick in any case.

Add the T-factor and this is a setup for desaster:

- confidentiality: You get insight into T's private life, and also, potentially, into info about other clients.

- dual relationship: you already feel "obliged" to do this for you T. This in itself alone should raise massive concerns. Your T should never have asked in the first place.

- what if you decide midway that you are not the right person for this job? Or that this takes up too much time, more than expected? Are you free to stop doing what you're doing? My guess is: No.

- what if you cannot do the job, cannot leave it be, and your T is unhappy with the outcome? what if you spent your future sessions on conflicts that came from this job?

No matter from what angle you look at it:
this cannot work. ever. at all. You will lose out in the end.

And in my opinion, your T is either incredibly naive or incredibly self-involved to not consider this thoroughly, before even asking you.

You sound like you are in a bit of a fog. Looking back at your past thread titles, it doesn't appear to me you've had a healthy relationship with this therapist, and if some of your other threads are accurate in your description of her talking down and gaslighting you, this sounds, to me, like abuse. This does not sound like a client therapist relationship.

If you need in person reassurance from another therapist, definitely talk to one. Sometimes it takes hearing something a lot to accept it a little.

I just think that you are not therapists. I am entitled to ask for another professionals opinion or is that not allowed on here?

I think I am in a fog and can’t see clearly, that’s why I come in here to check but then people get mad with me. It’s difficult to see clearly when you have such strong feelings for someone. It’s like being in an abuse relationship. You can’t see it until you leave

Did this therapist think that you needed the money maybe? It still seems like a bad idea. Trying to give your t the benefit of the doubt but be careful if she has a pattern of asking too many favors.

I don't get the feeling that people are mad at you at all, weaverbeaver.
They are mad at your T, not you. My overall impression from this thread is that people are genuinely trying to help and perhaps protect you from potential harm. And they are giving their opinions because you asked for them.

Maybe she thought she is doing me a favour! I don’t need the money she knows I am not struggling financially. I think it’s because she just thinks I am competent in what she needs doing, maybe!

Thank you seeker, it helps to have a different perspective. I really do hear all of the different ideas and thoughts and sometimes I can feel attacked and judged!

I think when people have clear opinions, and very specific ones, about what you should do, I could understand how it can feel like you're being attacked and judged. Anytime someone tells me what to do or how to think, I feel the same way.

But I think where people are coming from is out of a desire to protect you from more pain, perhaps we all say things in ways that aren't the most gentle or that allow you the most autonomy to feel and believe and do as you wish. No one wants you to be hurt by your T, and I don't think anyone is mad at all at you. It always takes a certain amount of bravery to put yourself out there in starting a thread and it's great you were willing to do it. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. And I hope your relationship with your T is not an abusive one, or doesn't turn out to be.