[confused4ever]

Nobody has to answer this, but my T thought it might help me figure out why my husband blames me for our marriage failing, because he feels I should be all healed by now after only disclosing a year ago!!

How many here have lost a relationship because they started the healing process, or seeing a therapist for one reason or another??

How long has everyone been in the healing process already?

Is there a time limit to healing??

Thanks for those who answer and help me out.......

im so sorry your husband hasnt been supportive. I've never been in that situation but think that maybe as you take care of you.. you will attract those who respect that.

[Cyran0]

confused, I just deleted my original response because I hadn't read your other thread in this forum. My original response was all about helping him to understand how the process is making life better for you both, etc.

But in your other thread you pointed out he's cheating, being abusive, etc. So now my gut reaction is that this guy is just using your problem as a scapegoat to rationalize his own screwed up behavior.

My two cents.

Be safe.

Cyran0

[Kiya]

And in answer to your other questions, I've been in therapy for 4 years now and really haven't gotten to the heart of the matter because it scares the *&$^ out of me. I've not been dating at this time - too much screwed up at the moment as it is without added pressures. I have heard from trauma specialists (don't know your issures) that trauma work alone can take anywhere from 3-10 years. No - there's no limit to healing; each is personal and depends on you, if you have a good therapist, and a bunch of other factors. Don't try to put yourself on someone else's time frame - you just take care of you, k?

[Perna]

My husband loves me but didn't understand my need to be in therapy. I went for 9 years and we paid out-of-pocket for 2 sessions a week. I love him too :-) and don't like to make him unhappy. But we respect each other's needs and decisions. I did go back to work full-time in order to pay for the therapy and get us better health insurance and a 401K plan, etc. and that made him a little less unhappy :-)

I think those we live with can see it as a threat to their abilities to care for us? Too, if they have never had therapy and don't understand it, it can look "foreign" like a religion/cult or something. It's an "interest" in ourselves and some people find that threatening too. We could grow, change, and move away from that person and they don't want that?

[sunrise]

confused, I have a friend who has been married to a guy for just a couple of years. He is very angry at her because of the problems her ex-husband causes (always litigating and costing them more money, hassling about custody issues of her kids, etc.) and about her not being strong enough, in his eyes, to stand up to her ex and about how he had to move to her town to marry her and take a new job in the town, etc. He blames all of this on her and can't forgive her and is continually angry. They went to therapy together for a while and now he is trying to heal while she is being patient and giving him space and hoping he will one day be able to forgive her and love her again. Meanwhile she is mom to her kids, works fulltime, and growing impatient. She wants to resume life as husband and wife but the longer the situtation goes on, the more her love dies. She doesn't know if she can last as long as it will take him to heal and forgive her, and there is no guarantee he ever will. It's been going on a long time. She's thinking of waiting another 6 months and if he hasn't made any progress, she will start divorce proceedings. She feels like she can't wait forever and she doesn't know how to help him. He won't go to therapy on his own but just hopes to work through it in his own mind. I think she would feel better if he was going to therapy and working with a professional on his healing, but that is not his style.

I have started the healing process with my therapist. And it has helped lead to the demise of my marriage. Yay! Part of my healing is to leave an abusive situation and get divorced.

There is no time limit to healing.

[Rapunzel]

My T warned me when I first asked her about starting therapy that therapy might lead to the end of my marriage. That is something that can happen. I have a little more understanding now than I did then about why that happens. Relationships are formed between two people who both have a need for something that the other can give them. People change over time, and when couples grow and change together, the relationship tends to be strengthened. However, if one partner in a relationship changes significantly faster than the other or in a different direction, then both of you might look around and discover that the person you are married to is not the person you first began a relationship with, or not the person you thought they were, or you may realize that your needs are very different now and your spouse doesn't provide what you need anymore, or you aren't able to give what he or she needs.

If the spouse is able to change too, in compatible ways, and you are both able to accomodate each other's growth, then the relationship can benefit from the results of therapy (whether it is individual for one or both, or joint therapy). But if your spouse resists the healthy changes that you need to make, and you feel held back and prevented from becoming who you need to become, that will be a problem.

Therapy also uncovers issues that you weren't aware of before. You might discover that you married someone who is just like one of your parents, and not in a good way. You might discover that you have fundamental differences in values and world view. Sometimes these issues can be resolved if you communicate openly about what the problems and issues are. It takes both partners being willing and able to look at it honestly and make accomodations.

Some relationships that are impacted by the therapy process can and should be salvaged. There are others where maybe it's for the best that you each get a fresh start. Either way it is really hard.

To answer your other questions, I am still married (for 17 years), and my marriage is struggling. I'm afraid to say what I really feel (with anyone), and I'm not comfortable with intimacy. I am not sure that I can be what my husband needs. He doesn't think that individuation is a good idea. I always knew that I was not ready to be married, wanted to know that I could take care of myself on my own and never really got the chance. I'm not even sure that I've ever been attracted to men, but my values are such that I felt very pressured to get married and have children and do all the traditional stuff. I'm not good at it though, and it almost killed me. When I realized, more than 4 years ago now, that I felt so trapped that I saw suicide as the only way out, and then started searching for the missing pieces of myself, I started becoming someone that I wasn't before. He often feels like I am abandoning him and the family, and I can understand why he feels that way. I went through quite a separation process, becoming a workaholic, and going back to school. I'm not home a lot, and when I am home I have my own things I want to do. I lost so much time (I don't even remember much of those years - most of my life - when I was numb or lost in depression), and now there isn't nearly enough time to make up for it.

I have been in therapy, this time, for 3 years. I've had at least 7 previous therapists, some for a very short time and one other for a couple of years off and on, but this is the first time I'm getting anywhere, and it's really slow. I don't believe there is a time limit to healing. It is a lifelong process. Maybe at some point the balance shifts and it feels more like the normal growth process and less of a need to heal from past hurts. But everyone has hidden wounds that resurface from time to time, and everyone gets hurt sometimes as part of their life experience. I think that healing has to go on forever, and should, for everyone even if they have never needed therapy.

TC,
Rap

[(JD)]

I think what happens is the "healing" aspect also includes "living" and "changing with life" aspects. That is true with therapy. When your path of life is suddenly, or greatly altered and there are others in your life at the time, this also causes a big shift for them - or not. They might agree to try and go along for a time, but if they aren't up to shifting greatly also, it isn't going to work.

Since you aren't the one who can change quickly (again?) and another won't... then it's not the one who can't that is refusing to try, imo. My marriage of 26 years went straight down the tube after my injury accident that left me disabled.

I don't like to use the word "fault" and I sense that it is used to take the focus off of the one using it.

TC

[confused4ever]

I think this all makes sense, I have changed some in the past few months, once I disclosed and I started diving into the why's that I act this way or that way, I have changed some of the way I handle things and view life. I am still in depression, and some days are really bad, but the fact that I have changed some, has effected our marriage.

I am not the same person I was when we started seeing each other. I am not even the same person I was 2 years ago, before any therapy, but just because of everything that I have gone through. I have seen a part of him that I never realized was there. Maybe it was there, and I just never saw it, or it fit what I needed at the time! I didn't or don't want my marriage to end, but he has made that decision for himself, and went out and broke our vows. I don't even think I can fight to keep him at this point. After all that has happned the past few months, there isn't anything left that I see to fight for.

I do think that therapy changes a person, for the better, and like what was said in this thread, if your significant other doesn't grow with you we begin to pull apart. I think I have started this therapy, and it has been rough and instead of standing beside me he has walked away........that hurts.......