[winterblues17]

So to those who are now aware, I just want to say that I was very attached to my T, then she left me, and this attachment is causing so much pain, hurt and rejection.
Anyway I started to see another T to try and work through my feelings of this loss. I am not attached or nor will I attach to another T ever again, and if I did, I would leave because I don't see what good can come of these feelings.
Knowing ultimately you are just a job, it is very one sided, and you will inevitably be hurt in the long run.

So I'm just wondering how others feel about being attached or becoming attached? How does it make you feel? And of what benefit is it for?

I've read the boards a lot and it just seems that most people that get attached seem to be sad, vulnerable, hurt or angry, and if that's the case why on earth is this attachment seem to be a focus on therapy

[DP_2017]

Good questions..... I see no good in attachment or closeness with anyone, let alone a T. I've spent my entire life keeping people distant. I'm still able to have friends but I don't get deep sadness or anything when things end, it's more like "Eh" and I move on. I was VERY hesitant and scared to feel close to T, he even knew this, everything within me was screaming RUN but I thought, just once, I'll fight it, trust him and see what happens.

For a while, it was great. I felt happy, I liked myself. I felt like I mattered and like someone saw value in me. It helped me so much in day to day living, just knowing that. We didn't have to talk daily for me to keep those feelings. I thought "ok, this isn't so bad."

We even got super close in Oct and Nov and started out of session work, and everything was awesome. Then he said he was leaving, my first thought was 'I knew it'
Session 1....I said "I am not sure I want to do this long term, you will hurt me, you will leave me, I know it" and he tried to assure me that it would be different. He was the king of "I'm not going anywhere" --- even when he was miserable and open about wanting a new job, he always said I could follow him. He left me, with barely any notice, right about Christmas.

Everything has been a nightmare since. It all feels like a lie, like this one person, who actually made me feel loved.... which I never feel from people, ended up being like everyone else in my life, and I now feel worthless. It was all a joke, just a sick game he got paid for.

There is no way I will ever get close to anyone again, T or not. I will listen to my instincts again like I'd always done in the past and run. There is no good in being close to someone. None at all. I think it's just part of the game.... luring us in, so we trust them and share everything, they know full well they will leave us and hurt us someday. How anyone can WANT that job knowing that is beyond me

[DP_2017]

I will also give you a non T example of why I wont allow it in my life.

Growing up, I was constantly told "Your family is always there for you" "You will never be closer to anyone than your family" yet, all we did was fight and argue, as children, my siblings and I were always ignored by our parents...or yelled at for asking things.

I remember once saying out loud watching a tv show "I wish our family was like that" and mom quickly chimed in "That's TV. Families are not like that" and I truly believed that well into my adult life.

I remember seeing so many of my brothers friends mock him behind his back or seeing people in general being bullied by so called friends. My friends were mean to me. I remember being about 12 and having a panic attack over one of my phobias and I thought I'd try to be honest and tell a "friend" about what was going on, the next day, I as endlessly mocked at school because she had told so many people.

You see people being married for decades, they get divorced. You see best friends or family members kill each other. You see people turned on all the time by people they were close to or trusted.

My very first session T called me "Highly aware" and was saying I noticed things most people don't. I've always been like that, it's probably why as a kid I knew protecting myself was the best way to go.

I can't see any GOOD, other than temporary fun or memories, that come from closeness with someone but you can have fun and memories without that too. I have no good answer, so many people are hurt by closeness in their relationships.

Originally Posted by winterblues17

So to those who are now aware, I just want to say that I was very attached to my T, then she left me, and this attachment is causing so much pain, hurt and rejection.
Anyway I started to see another T to try and work through my feelings of this loss. I am not attached or nor will I attach to another T ever again, and if I did, I would leave because I don't see what good can come of these feelings.
Knowing ultimately you are just a job, it is very one sided, and you will inevitably be hurt in the long run.

So I'm just wondering how others feel about being attached or becoming attached? How does it make you feel? And of what benefit is it for?

I've read the boards a lot and it just seems that most people that get attached seem to be sad, vulnerable, hurt or angry, and if that's the case why on earth is this attachment seem to be a focus on therapy

What does not being atrached look like?
Can you describe that experience?

[piggy momma]

If I could not attach, I would without question choose that. Attachment causes me so much anxiety and pain. I almost can’t function some days. I think a certain amount of attachment is ok and even healthy, but what I’ve got going on is neither ok or healthy. I can’t break it, so I’m basically stuck with it.

[ElectricManatee]

I am pretty attached to my therapist, and I don't see it as a bad thing. It's a lot like the John Bowlby/secure base concept. My trust in her helps me take risks and explore stressful feelings and ideas in therapy. It also helps me try things that are scary in real life (for me, that's trying to make new and stronger social connections) because I know I can count on her to reassure me, problem-solve when things aren't going well, pick me up and dust me off when I get rejected, etc.

I also use the feelings of closeness and the fear that closeness with her ignites to explore counterproductive ideas about relationships and about myself that I picked up in previous relationships. It's been the only thing that has made even the smallest change in the negative self-perception that has kept me depressed since I was a young teen. Self-help, trying harder, and other types of therapy haven't even made a dent before.

It's fascinating and frustrating that I make a TON of negative assumptions about how my therapist feels about me. It's the same assumptions that keep me from getting close to other people. Except with her, I feel safe enough to tell her what I assume she is thinking and feeling, and she is qualified to help me unpack those assumptions and figure out what's useful or accurate and what isn't.

Honestly, it's exhausting work, and I don't think I could ask anybody else to do this with me because it's the kind of intensive focus on one person that doesn't exist in healthy adult relationships. There is a flavor of parent/child in that asymmetry, and that's why she gets paid, to balance the scales because she is not my parent and I am not a/her child. I have a great spouse, but I could never even ask her to help me with this. A therapist is the only option for me.

It's tricky stuff because I can see where some therapists would be tempted to make promises they can't keep or to cross boundaries that undermine the therapy. Whenever I get nervous about my T moving, quitting her job, or dying, she just says "I don't have any plans to go anywhere." Not as reassuring as "I will never leave," but much more realistic. Anyway, I can see where this kind of work with somebody who is strongly attached could go horribly wrong. And intense feelings on my part mean that ruptures are usually gigantic and awful too, which I think can be uncomfortable for both of us. But so far I keep feeling generally better. I feel differently about other people and myself, which is my main barometer of success. And I hope therapy keeps going well until my attachment shifts and I don't need to see my T anymore.

[toomanycats]

I was very attached to my ex-T, S. Then, he left, and I felt like I was dying. Losing S was one of the most excruciating experiences of my life.

I am now very attached to my current T, C. Our attachment is tough for me, because I know that he is not going to be in my life for forever, so I know the pain of losing him/saying goodbye will come someday. However, the attachment is important to me, and I chose to slowly trust and attach to him even knowing I would one day say goodbye.

The attachment brings with it a sense of not being alone. Of being genuinely cared about and cared for and of not bearing my burdens by myself. No human relationship will last for forever. All relationships are a risk. But I don't want to be alone just because I'm so terrified of goodbye.

[elisewin]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

No human relationship will last for forever. All relationships are a risk. But I don't want to be alone just because I'm so terrified of goodbye.

This! Being attached and caring about other people is in the core of human experience. Yet still, like tmc said, every relationship ends one day. It's just that we can not predict the day. Being in fear denies us something essential. A relationship can possibly cause suffering, but being without one will cause suffering certainly.

[DP_2017]

You can have human relationships without attachments or closeness

[susannahsays]

Yeah like with your accountant.

[winterblues17]

I'm opting towards no attachment so no need for the painful goodbyes! Especially with these ppl cos they do just say goodbye

[susannahsays]

Winter, I'm not sure a person can just choose to not be attached. Some people do not attach, this is true. However, I think these people would struggle to attach if they wanted to, so it's not really a choice. I also think some people don't want to acknowledge when they are attached () and prefer to think of themselves as not needing attachments.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Attachment to me has never been something exclusive to therapy.

I can remember many people in my life to whom I became attached. Teachers, friends, loved ones. It never went too well, they all at some point didn't manage to handle me anymore. I also repeated the same patterns over and over again with those people. I'd feel the same emotions, even realize to some part that it was the same thing happening again and I couldn't do anything about it.

Looking back, I'd say some of these patterns were formed due to not having anyone around as a child to whom I could attach properly. So when I finally had other people showing even a slightly similar interest in me, I'd overreact and hope to find the things I would have needed as a child from those people, and of course they couldn't give those things to me.

Same thing is happening with my T. I am attached, I get way too emotional, I repeat patterns and fears like I've done with so many other people. I think the two main differences are: 1) my T doesn't seem scared off by any of my behavior and 2) I feel through experiencing a relationship where the situation is a lot more safe than in many other relationships in life, I can learn at least some of the things that the relationship with my parents should have taught me.

Sometimes attachment feels safe, sometimes scary, sometimes other forms of unpleasant. I feel it's okay this way. I'm not constantly scared in the relationship, yet have a chance to go through emotions as though it was a normal, usual relationship.

I think it's such a big focus of many people in therapy because lots of people struggle with it. I feel it's relatively simple to get to a point where you have issues with attachment. And it's something that will be reflected in most of your adult relationships. So it seems pretty obvious that it will pop up in therapy.

[stopdog]

Therapists, to me, are other. I would not say I was attached to either of the women. Mostly I payed them rent sit there and stay back. I am attached to real life people. Friends, my remaining parent, etc. are all people I am attached to.
I did not find the therapists to be particularly kind, warm or insightful. There was no reason to attach to one of them.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Yeah like with your accountant.

Lol even my best friend . We don't do emotions. We don't discuss deeply personal things. We still manage to have fun and make memories without being close.

Keeping people distant is very easy for me. I think it is a choice to a point. I knew instantly when I began to feel attached, I had a choice to face it or run and I made the wrong choice by sticking around. None the less.... had I ran, I'd for sure have gone through some grief but nothing like I am now.

I love T so much but honestly, if I could relive things and never have met him at all, I'd so pick that. Having him in my life for that short of time was not worth the hell I get to deal with without him.

People are sad, angry, hurt. Because of their past.

[starfishing]

I'm never sure what people mean by "attached" or "not attached" to their therapist in this context. Particularly given how some people talk about choosing to become attached or choosing to avoid attachment.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by starfishing

I'm never sure what people mean by "attached" or "not attached" to their therapist in this context. Particularly given how some people talk about choosing to become attached or choosing to avoid attachment.

How would you feel if your T had to leave his practice and could no longer see you? Would it just be an annoyance in finding a new therapist and starting over or would you feel a deep sense of grief and loss. If you could easily move on then you are not attached. I do not believe you have a chose to attach or not to attach. I just happens.

[MessyD]

I think it’s different for everyone. I’m not really sure how it’s supposed to work and if it’s beneficial. I am attached to my T but so far I don’t experience it as painful. I have been in a relationship before (not with T, but authority figure) where I was very attached and it was very unhealthy and painful and ended very ugly. This doesn’t feel like that. I would be very sad and if he left like yours did but I also know now that I would survive and be ok eventually. I’m not sure he realizes that I’m attached or how much but I prefer not to talk about it much or make the therapy about it, I worry that it would actually make it worse, as I need to deal with things in my life. And I also think that the attachment has lessened a bit, I don’t think about him all the time anymore, though he still is the support I need, and I don’t worry about him leaving me anymore. Obviously I will be devastated if that happens but I just don’t want to fear everything in life anymore since fear has already stopped me from lot of things and I still wasn’t able to avoid pain in life. So now I choose to take risk once in a while. But that’s just me, obviously everyone experiences things differently and I’m sorry you’re hurting. Hope your new T can help you through it, I don’t tjink you need to be attached for them to be able to help you.

[starfishing]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

How would you feel if your T had to leave his practice and could no longer see you? Would it just be an annoyance in finding a new therapist and starting over or would you feel a deep sense of grief and loss. If you could easily move on then you are not attached. I do not believe you have a chose to attach or not to attach. I just happens.

I don't find much clarity or utility in that definition either, to be honest. At the very least it seems much better conceived of as a continuum than as a binary. Not to mention that for a lot of people the brokenness of mental health care systems means that finding a new therapist is always much, much worse than an annoyance, regardless of the other emotional components.

[BudFox]

In my experience, therapy attachment is a euphemism for dependency or co-dependency.

I think it's ironic that therapy is supposed to be this model healthy relationship, and then so many people develop all these intense compulsions around it.

And I agree that in the long run this kind of experience seems tailor-made for mental-emotional wreckage.

[ArtleyWilkins]

It seems like attachment here is often spoken of as a bad thing or unhealthy thing, but there is such thing as healthy, secure attachment.

My interactions with my therapists were that of healthy and secure attachment. I could rely on them for support when needed, but I didn't have what is talked about often here -- either longing for more from the relationship or fearing the loss of the relationship. I was able to depend on them when I needed their support, but I wasn't overly-dependent on them.

Attachment can be healthy.

[DP_2017]

I intend to have 0 attachment with any of these new clowns.

[Anne2.0]

I agree that attachment can be healthy and attachment towards a T of whatever variety can help you understand how you attach to other important people in your life, or understand where you're missing something from them.

I have a pretty secure attachment to my T, although I do think I can still be avoidant at times and once when I decided to take a summer long break, it was painful as I left the office after my announcement. I went back the next week, or maybe the week after, and whatever it was, it was more because of my pride than because of what I truly wanted (take me back!).

I tend to think I will continue therapy with another therapist when my T likely retires in a few years, or if I move away from this community. In the not too distant future I will do every other week with the idea of moving to once/month eventually as a way to continue the self care that therapy helps me keep on top of. I'm not dependent on my therapist or therapy, but there are things about the kind of stress I face in my life that makes therapy useful for me.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

I am incredibly ashamed of my attachment to my T. That being said, the attachment I have has been incredibly healing and I'm not sure I would have made the progress I have without that feeling of connection.