[darkside8]

Following last session, my mood/emotional state has been going downhill and back to square 1. I think it may have something to do with T making me become aware of my defences and considering dropping them slightly in order to think about how I can move forward. I have been trying to these past few days because I know I must, otherwise I’ll get no where, but it’s been overwhelmingly difficult and painful. I’m worried if I tell her this week that dropping these defences has been really painful and begin to talk about my real feelings, I may get really emotional.

I do understand it’s ok to, but the image I’ve created of myself to her and as I do with others will make this emotional side of me an uncomfortable moment. I let loose completely on my own at night, the most vulnerable I can be, always, and so for that to happen outside of my bedroom and with someone else present right in front of me scares me. My T seeing my vulnerability on that level is uncomfortable, and that is in no way about her as a therapist. She’s amazing. May help to mention that T and I are both aware I find it hard to openly and honestly share my feelings due to lack of experience of doing so. But I know she needs to see some form of it in order to provide the support I really desperately need right now.

How have you dealt with this? When was the first time you got emotional during a session? How was that dealt with? What were your thoughts and feelings after? (if I’m discussing something and feel myself getting emotional, I can imagine I would say ‘f***’, following ‘I can’t do this’! and then maybe try to laugh it off)

If you also want to answer this, please do so as it somewhat relates:

How do you behave in therapy? What’s your personality like? Really chatty? Moody? Quiet? If that makes sense.

[DP_2017]

You sound alot like me, you might be avoidant

Look up "fearful avoidant attachment" and it might be very relatable to you

I struggled deeply with this in therapy.... the only time I was able to cry consistently was when T was leaving

[SlumberKitty]

I've gotten teary eyed in therapy sessions many times. I only full on cried during my last session with my former T. I dealt with that by crying for about three days and finally being exhausted and all cried out. I'm pretty quiet in therapy usually. I only get chatty if I am trying to avoid something, or if I don't want my T I have now to try EMDR. I behave pretty sedated in therapy. Head down, or looking around, pretty motionless unless I fidget with my hands. I either make too much eye contact or not enough. When I get teary eyed, I just try to change the subject and I definitely act like it is not happening. HUGS Kit

[zoiecat]

I have never cried and doubt I ever will. My T knows that I view crying in public (or with him) as a sign of weakness. I also have a DID alter that will come out and take over if I am about to cry in public.

I am mostly very quiet in session. I will talk but I am usually subdued. I rarely ever look T in the eye.

Obviously I have a long way to go.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I've gotten teary eyed in therapy sessions many times. I only full on cried during my last session with my former T. I dealt with that by crying for about three days and finally being exhausted and all cried out. I'm pretty quiet in therapy usually. I only get chatty if I am trying to avoid something, or if I don't want my T I have now to try EMDR. I behave pretty sedated in therapy. Head down, or looking around, pretty motionless unless I fidget with my hands. I either make too much eye contact or not enough. When I get teary eyed, I just try to change the subject and I definitely act like it is not happening. HUGS Kit

Bold - so me, except I fidget with something from start to end.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

You sound alot like me, you might be avoidant

Look up "fearful avoidant attachment" and it might be very relatable to you

I struggled deeply with this in therapy.... the only time I was able to cry consistently was when T was leaving

Doing so now.

Did this affect progress?

[Ashes109]

I'm a new member, but long time lurker and joined and just wanted to say that I completely relate to what you have written. I am having exactly the same problems with my T, and it is not a reflection on her, she is wonderful. I have been seeing her for a year (although every other week) and have yet to show much emotion during a session (often it comes later when I am back at home, and alone). It's quite strange because I can feel emotional/tearful about the anticipation of what we are going to talk about when I am on my own, but when I'm there it's gone. Logically I understand that she is used to seeing people become emotional about things, and I'm sure she would handle it well.... just can't seem to let myself be that vulnerable in front of another person (not yet anyway). I will be following to see what others have to say about their experiences.

I am pretty quiet in therapy. I can make a bit of small talk and be quite chatty at the beginning, but once we start getting into stuff its like my brain just shuts down. I do a lot of fidgeting with my hands too.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

Originally Posted by darkside8

Following last session, my mood/emotional state has been going downhill and back to square 1. I think it may have something to do with T making me become aware of my defences and considering dropping them slightly in order to think about how I can move forward. I have been trying to these past few days because I know I must, otherwise I’ll get no where, but it’s been overwhelmingly difficult and painful. I’m worried if I tell her this week that dropping these defences has been really painful and begin to talk about my real feelings, I may get really emotional.

I do understand it’s ok to, but the image I’ve created of myself to her and as I do with others will make this emotional side of me an uncomfortable moment. I let loose completely on my own at night, the most vulnerable I can be, always, and so for that to happen outside of my bedroom and with someone else present right in front of me scares me. My T seeing my vulnerability on that level is uncomfortable, and that is in no way about her as a therapist. She’s amazing. May help to mention that T and I are both aware I find it hard to openly and honestly share my feelings due to lack of experience of doing so. But I know she needs to see some form of it in order to provide the support I really desperately need right now.

How have you dealt with this? When was the first time you got emotional during a session? How was that dealt with? What were your thoughts and feelings after? (if I’m discussing something and feel myself getting emotional, I can imagine I would say ‘f***’, following ‘I can’t do this’! and then maybe try to laugh it off)

If you also want to answer this, please do so as it somewhat relates:

How do you behave in therapy? What’s your personality like? Really chatty? Moody? Quiet? If that makes sense.

I could have easily written this except I don't cry in my bedroom, I prefer to cry alone in my bathroom. I have been in therapy for 2 1/2 years and T has seen me get emotional only a handful of times, the first time being after a visit from a friend of mine with her family. She was verbally abusive to her kids and it triggered some serious stuff for me. T's compassion about my situation was enough to make me cry and I felt better and closer to him afterward but it took me a long time to get to that place and I am still not comfortable with doing that often. I fight showing sadness in front of him. My advice would be don't try to force emotion or force lowering your defenses. There are reasons why those were originally put into place and it takes time to realize that maybe they aren't needed any longer.... trying to force yourself to get past them can cause more problems in the long run. I like to think about the movie "What about Bob." Lol. Just focus on baby steps. Maybe just tell your T how something makes you feel, eg. "This topic is making me sad. I know that I can't cry but a part of me wants to."

To answer your other questions, my behavior in therapy is a combination of goofiness and business. We joke around a lot but tackle serious subjects. T is good about monitoring my feelings and lightening the subject when I start to shut down. I have zero problems with silence so there are times when it gets really quiet in there but for the most part it is a lot of back and forth. Basically, my therapy is a little bit of everything....

[Anne2.0]

Maybe this question is irrelevant or doesn't make sense, but I'm struggling to understand the issue. Are you having trouble being open about what is going on with you, as in the words to express your experience ("content") or having trouble connecting the emotions that ride along with your experience? Are you feeling in therapy but stopping yourself or finding your feelings "blocked" in therapy, so it's about the emotions rather than the content?

I ask, and maybe it's only something unique to me. But for me, getting to the place where I could get the words in place and communicate what my actual experience was, the emotions kicked in. As in, words first. My defenses were strong, so strong that when I started realizing I could pull them down, I realized how much energy they took to keep up. For me, the way it works is that first I have to lower my walls, then find the words that speak to what I experience, then the emotional connection happens.

I don't think you can force it. Sometimes I think we imagine that if we do ___ (like cry) in therapy, we'll be healed. Kind of like (slight warning for s*xual reference) "working" to have the big O.

Edited to add something about "personality": perusing my T's notes a few years ago, he often referred to my mood, which varied from "breezy" to "anxious" to "sad" and a few others I can't recall. I'm pretty expressive now but I used to be defended as stone.

[darkside8]

Yup, you’ve described me there too. Lately, I’ve been getting slightly frustrated in sessions, in addition to the fidgeting. Not great as T picked up on it last session and I feel slightly bad. She said I seem annoyed at her suggestion but laughed it off. So did I and came up with an excuse when really it was the pain I felt hearing her suggestion because of how hard it appeared to me. Hopefully, some sharing of experiences will help the both of us somehow. Appreciate your
comment.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Maybe this question is irrelevant or doesn't make sense, but I'm struggling to understand the issue. Are you having trouble being open about what is going on with you, as in the words to express your experience ("content") or having trouble connecting the emotions that ride along with your experience? Are you feeling in therapy but stopping yourself or finding your feelings "blocked" in therapy, so it's about the emotions rather than the content?

I ask, and maybe it's only something unique to me. But for me, getting to the place where I could get the words in place and communicate what my actual experience was, the emotions kicked in. As in, words first. My defenses were strong, so strong that when I started realizing I could pull them down, I realized how much energy they took to keep up. For me, the way it works is that first I have to lower my walls, then find the words that speak to what I experience, then the emotional connection happens.

I don't think you can force it. Sometimes I think we imagine that if we do ___ (like cry) in therapy, we'll be healed. Kind of like (slight warning for s*xual reference) "working" to have the big O.

Edited to add something about "personality": perusing my T's notes a few years ago, he often referred to my mood, which varied from "breezy" to "anxious" to "sad" and a few others I can't recall. I'm pretty expressive now but I used to be defended as stone.

I think it may be a bit of both - content isn't as rich because having to protect my emotions gets in the way. Forget crying, I can't even say the words ‘I felt sad’. It's always either ‘angry’, an emotion i happen to feel somewhat comfortable sharing, or ‘I don't care’, ‘it’s not a big deal’. Silly when we both have just discussed why it is a problem. When questions get deeper, I then end up minimising the severity of the brief content I have just shared, if that makes any sense.
She told me at the end of session to think about these opposing languages I use.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by darkside8/

How have you dealt with this? When was the first time you got emotional during a session? How was that dealt with? What were your thoughts and feelings after? (if I’m discussing something and feel myself getting emotional, I can imagine I would say ‘f***’, following ‘I can’t do this’! and then maybe try to laugh it off)

If you also want to answer this, please do so as it somewhat relates:

How do you behave in therapy? What’s your personality like? Really chatty? Moody? Quiet? If that makes sense.

only once i have cried in therapy, and it was at an inpatient setting. i was terrified to leave, and bawled for about 25 minutes. my T at the time kept waving tissues in front of my hand, bc i wouldn’t make eye contact, haha. A day or two later, she joked that she won bc in all the therapy i’ve had, i’ve never cried.

in my regular therapy, i’ve almost felt like crying a few times, and usually never bring it up. i did last night for once bc i just couldn’t get any words out, and she oh so gently said it would be okay if i did. I was like “hell no, i’m not breaking my record!”

my personality in the therapy room is very quiet and still. the ragier (my own term) i get, the quieter and more still i get-which my T does know about.

[MessyD]

I can relate to this. 3 and a half years and my defenses are still up for most of the time. When we approach something sensitive, I usually try to laugh it off. It frustrated me and we recently talked about it again and what it is that I am afraid of. I know it's not my T, I'm like that in general, I'm usually quiet and don't really show many emotions, although I can feel them inside. I think people think that I just don't care. It's really hard for me to bring those walls down, I've never cried there and after all this time I don't think I will, and it's ok, it's not something I can force, but I have felt emotions in session and he knows when I'm sad. But normally I just go really quiet and don't really look at my T, once when it was really intense I just curled up in the corner of the couch and we didn't say anything for few minutes. Interestingly at time when I do manage to bring the walls down and somehow express myself, I completely shut down in the next session.

Not sure I can be much of help, I'm starting to realize that it's a long process for some of us and it's a little step at a time.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by darkside8

Forget crying, I can't even say the words ‘I felt sad’. It's always either ‘angry’, an emotion i happen to feel somewhat comfortable sharing, or ‘I don't care’, ‘it’s not a big deal’. Silly when we both have just discussed why it is a problem. When questions get deeper, I then end up minimising the severity of the brief content I have just shared, if that makes any sense.
She told me at the end of session to think about these opposing languages I use.

If I were where you are at the moment, I think I would focus on increasing my openness to (as the Buddhists say) "things as they are." Whether it is the what or the how or the why, being open to communicating as clearly and as honestly as you can sounds like the priority. Or it would be for me. Tell yourself to stop the b.s.

One thing that was really useful for me was to learn that I could lower my defenses and then put them right back up. Try lowering them for the hour of therapy with maybe your T's help to put them back up before the end. That way, you don't have to worry about going out into the cruel world with them down.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by darkside8

I think it may be a bit of both - content isn't as rich because having to protect my emotions gets in the way. Forget crying, I can't even say the words ‘I felt sad’. It's always either ‘angry’, an emotion i happen to feel somewhat comfortable sharing, or ‘I don't care’, ‘it’s not a big deal’. Silly when we both have just discussed why it is a problem. When questions get deeper, I then end up minimizing the severity of the brief content I have just shared, if that makes any sense.
She told me at the end of session to think about these opposing languages I use.

Are you me? I have done the same thing, although I would probably say I jump at the chance to say I am angry. However, when the therapist makes any observation that I am scared, confused, sad, etc., I have vehemently denied those emotions. When she has called stuff abuse, I have argued with her about it. I also love to proclaim that I don't care about things. The therapist typically confronts me in the moment about my ridiculous denials and claims. This has been hard at times, but it has helped me. When she responds to whatever ludicrous statement I have made by maintaining her original stance, it makes me feel very vulnerable because it means she "knows." This vulnerability is indeed very uncomfortable.

How do I deal with it? Sometimes I try to distract her. I change the subject - either to something less intense or to something that I think will make her angry with me. For some reason, the latter behavior sometimes extends even after the session where I felt vulnerable is over and I end up acting out in some way. I think there are multiple motivations behind this behavior, but one of them is definitely to distract the therapist from me being all weak and vulnerable in the previous session and to restore myself to a position of power.

However, I have very gradually become less and less reactive as far as in session. I'm not to a point where I'm all mushy gushy and disclose my feelings all the time. However, I no longer feel an uncontrollable urge to deny when the therapist identifies emotions that I am clearly feeling - most of the time. Usually, I neither confirm nor deny what she says. I have also added a select few additional emotions or states of being to describe how I feel other than "angry." I am not quite as comfortable with them yet, but I can now usually admit to a generic "bad" and to being confused. During one session, I even admitted that a certain thing had made me feel threatened and personally attacked (it was kind of easy that time because the thing that made me feel that way was completely ridiculous - it was my yoga instructor's mushy tone of voice).

One thing I am wondering about you is if you are able to identify your emotions to yourself, or if it's hard to do even that.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Are you me? I have done the same thing, although I would probably say I jump at the chance to say I am angry. However, when the therapist makes any observation that I am scared, confused, sad, etc., I have vehemently denied those emotions. When she has called stuff abuse, I have argued with her about it. I also love to proclaim that I don't care about things. The therapist typically confronts me in the moment about my ridiculous denials and claims. This has been hard at times, but it has helped me. When she responds to whatever ludicrous statement I have made by maintaining her original stance, it makes me feel very vulnerable because it means she "knows." This vulnerability is indeed very uncomfortable.

How do I deal with it? Sometimes I try to distract her. I change the subject - either to something less intense or to something that I think will make her angry with me. For some reason, the latter behavior sometimes extends even after the session where I felt vulnerable is over and I end up acting out in some way. I think there are multiple motivations behind this behavior, but one of them is definitely to distract the therapist from me being all weak and vulnerable in the previous session and to restore myself to a position of power.

However, I have very gradually become less and less reactive as far as in session. I'm not to a point where I'm all mushy gushy and disclose my feelings all the time. However, I no longer feel an uncontrollable urge to deny when the therapist identifies emotions that I am clearly feeling - most of the time. Usually, I neither confirm nor deny what she says. I have also added a select few additional emotions or states of being to describe how I feel other than "angry." I am not quite as comfortable with them yet, but I can now usually admit to a generic "bad" and to being confused. During one session, I even admitted that a certain thing had made me feel threatened and personally attacked (it was kind of easy that time because the thing that made me feel that way was completely ridiculous - it was my yoga instructor's mushy tone of voice).

One thing I am wondering about you is if you are able to identify your emotions to yourself, or if it's hard to do even that.

I’m hoping to slowly reduce the number of times I say ‘I don't care’ during session.
I think I may be able to identify my emotions to myself, or not 👀 I often find myself saying things like ‘I’m hurting’, ‘this really hurts’ during extremely vulnerable times with myself. Hurt and pain appear to be key words. How does that sound? Lol
When my T asks how did you feel when an event is shared, I feel like hurt and pain are too deep. Sad seems a little lighter but lame at the same time. I have mentioned my heart feeling heavy, but this has often been used to describe experiences of anxiety. Low mood was mentioned a couple times.
What sort of words does one usually use to express negative emotions?

[piggy momma]

I've never full on cried in therapy. I wish I could.

How do I behave? It depends on my mood...if my mood is low, I'm quiet, don't say much, agree with whatever he says. If I'm in a good mood, I'm far chattier, ask way more questions, challenge him, way more cooperative. I do much better work when I'm in a good mood. I also fear too many good mood days will be a ticket for him to terminate, but I know deep down he won't. We have lots to work on, and the more I'm in a good mood, the more work we can actually do.

[ArtleyWilkins]

When I started therapy, I was rarely emotional. In fact, I was extremely stoic -- for years. It wasn't until my last therapist that the tears really came. I don't remember the first time; I just know that crying came more easily and more often with my last therapist. I don't think it had anything to do with him; I was just in a different place by that point. I cried A LOT. I was a wet, snotty mess sometimes. A bit embarrassing maybe at times, but any embarrassment was eclipsed by utter emotionality. It didn't seem to bother my therapist in the least, so it just became part of what happened in therapy for me.

I guess I'd say don't worry about it. If and when the tears come, they'll come. I don't think they are a requirement. The bigger issue is whether you are opening up to your therapist and working on the matters you feel you need to address, or are you stuffing things down to avoid the emotions. You might just try talking to your therapist about that in itself.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by darkside8

I’m hoping to slowly reduce the number of times I say ‘I don't care’ during session.
I think I may be able to identify my emotions to myself, or not 👀 I often find myself saying things like ‘I’m hurting’, ‘this really hurts’ during extremely vulnerable times with myself. Hurt and pain appear to be key words. How does that sound? Lol
When my T asks how did you feel when an event is shared, I feel like hurt and pain are too deep. Sad seems a little lighter but lame at the same time. I have mentioned my heart feeling heavy, but this has often been used to describe experiences of anxiety. Low mood was mentioned a couple times.
What sort of words does one usually use to express negative emotions?

Hmm... I'm not sure that hurt and pain are emotions, exactly. I guess I'm wondering if you could be more specific? Like what exactly is causing the emotional pain or hurt? See if you can drill down a bit and identify something a little clearer. For example, I can think of a specific time off the top of my head when I was sitting in therapy where I was feeling hurt and in pain. Going deeper, the additional words that come to mind are ashamed, fearful, jealous, defiant, and needy. I can't picture telling the therapist these emotions (although I have occasionally agreed to feeling jealous in certain situations), but I am getting better about admitting to myself what I am feeling. There are lists online of emotions you could look up if you need a starting place.

I can easily discuss my emotions when I want but never had a desire for other kind of emotional expression in a Ts office. I don't even know what that would involve - I don't cry in professional appointments (don't even have the urge), yelling at someone is not my style of communication, passive aggression even less so... I think it usually shows when I am very anxious, insecure or otherwise uncomfortable. In what way should one get emotional in therapy and how is it useful would be my question.

My interview session with her I cried. I said through gritted teeth "you'll never get this again"
I laugh about it too myself now.
Now if my body wants to cry with T, it does. Crying was a very shameful thing for me before her.
Now I like it. It does what I don't always, have words for.
I've grown emotionally with T. Grown ups cry!