Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Dear T,

Today's session was okay. Now I'm not sure if I should fire you or not. I think I'll go t shopping and see who I find and then decide.

-Butterfly

I couldn’t make myself call you yesterday...

I went back and forth over it a lot today, but decided I would.

You didn’t answer, and that bit about “if this is an emergency please leave a message” got me. It’s not an emergency, so I didn’t leave a message. I suck.

I kinda hope you call me just from seeing the missed call... but that’s not really a reasonable hope.

Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. With the funeral and then the conference next week I don’t know when else we might talk.

I don't like lots of things about your new office.

Why did you leave me?

This whole once a week isn't working for me. I am frustrated that you told me to "make a case" for twice a week when you already knew you were going to say no. You got my hopes up AND wasted my time writing everything out and sending it to you. I'm just so frustrated lately and feel completely unheard.

Dear T:

Anniversaries and other yearly milestones are hard. I feel unsentimental yet tender at the places of loss. Maybe tender-hearted is more like it, but little stabby jolts of tears happens too. I am and am not comfortable with it. The unexpected nature of some of my work and the challenges it poses comes at a good time, with potential to be distracting. I marvel at my productiveness, yet know that when I slow down I am more in touch with it all, so the reverse is also true. No letup in sight until the summer, and then that has its own version of busy-ness and change.

I'm sorry.

So.... you didn't make those videos public by accident did you?

You don't love me anymore
I love you

I feel ashamed that I have been struggling so much lately. It feels like there is a long list of things that are wrong with me and that it's never going to get better. I'm not even sure at this point why I am even wasting your time. I just want to give up....

I was looking at your psych today profile just now.

I miss you, damn it.

I hope you have a ****** Friday. I hope you think about me and feel guilty and bad. I hope your other patients are boring.

I am so so antsy right now. I am seeing you in two hours but I want to see you now. I think it's a combination of BF being out of town, not really having plans for this weekend, the stupid data not being ready for my huge project, not knowing how to answer that patient's email, having had a bad night on Wednesday, and having read your book and not knowing whether or not to tell you so.



Just... please be helpful when I see you today. Please?

So you have "unhidden" that page on your website on purpose. And you now know that I've seen it. But you don't yet know all the things I feel about it. I have written a lot. I will email you before our session next week so you can get a sense of all my feelings. It's complicated. Hope you don't find this too challenging. Love you.

Thanks for calling me today. Random disclosures though.

Yeah, you know with each move and change, things seem more bleak - though that one room at the old clinic really sucked; I had all the rest of the things there. This isn't helping me warm to the idea that change is a good thing.

I'm not sure if I was to come see you now, we'd connect in a way that would get me to stay. Too many things seem different.

Ok, I really really hate the new layout of the office. I'm so glad I don't have to move there yet. I'd kind of have liked it to have been something I liked so you could see that I can get excited of sorts with change. I do think I'll sit behind the couch leaning against the couch for a bit. You can sit in the chair if you like.

What in the world am I to look at in this new configuration... seriously new meaning to blank slate... I get to look at the blank wall if I can't look at you? And the whole rest of the world is behind me. How am I supposed to feel connected to anything when I know that space is there? How am I supposed to feel contained or protected?

You probably took my disappointment as something to do with my dislike of change. They are different things.

Well until I have to move up there, I won't. And until I can't because it gets blocked, I will sit on the other side of the room. For now, there is a nice space beside your desk that is kind of tucked to the side in a way. I will need to see the space again, I want pictures of it.

Oh this is not going to be fun.

I wish I could talk to you about S. I really need to process what I’m thinking and planning, and I find it utterly ridiculous that I can’t even broach this subject with you. I may as well cancel Monday.

Can we spend some time on grounding next session? I feel like I'm gonna need it.

I feel like a ****** client.

Sigh. That was... less helpful than I had hoped.

Just... why?

Dear T: I see you Monday which suddenly seems very close and yet very far away. HUGS Kit

Dear Former T: there's so many things I wish I could say to you in person. Why are you so far away? You're unreachable. Yeah I can email, but I can't see you or talk to you or hear your voice. You're like a figment of my imagination now. A wonderful figment, but a figment. I much prefer the flesh and bone you though. HUGS Kit

Dear T,
Mentioned chiropractor as someone who could possibly help D (and/or me), from stuff I've read, and H sort of flipped out. Like being all "NO chiropractor." I know you see one because you mentioned it at the end of session yesterday when I asked about your back. I wish H could be more open-minded...
Love,
LT
PS: Hope your back is doing better...

OMG you updated Linked in. Literally made my week. Thank you. I'm so glad you are alive

I hate that my choices are see you, but only once every three weeks, or see another T every week but she isn't you. In a way I'm glad our therapy has an expiration date because otherwise I would never leave you. It will suck not to see you anymore but at least one positive can come out of it. Or maybe you will have fixed me by then?