Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

Last night I had a dream about you. In it you told me that with children dealing with trauma it is normal to have very slow progress and many fears. However, for adults they need to accept what happened to them and keep moving forward. I woke up then afraid you would tell me our working together, obviously is not working for either of us.

Started to spiral last night. I need to kick it in the pants, I need to remind myself this is ridiculous at this point. YOU no longer care, so I need to stop as well. I know you've moved on and you barely think of me, if at all.... it sucks but it's facts. I am glad though that my thoughts of you are lessening. I know my connection I felt with you has faded. In some ways it's like you never were. I feel often like I was just imagining things.

I don't like sharing things with baby T. That is stuff you should know, not him. I wish so bad I could see you again though, just to see if you have forgotten me. Just to see if you are ok and happy. I feel like if I TRULY knew all that, I could move on much easier. I miss you so much still though and I hate that. This madness has to stop.

I miss you. I feel like I have you back in my life. I know you probably don't feel like you ever left it, but in my head you did.

Even though we're in rupture mode. I believe in something. I believe in us. and I know we can work through this. So see you on Thursday or Wednesday. Gonna email and ask. So that's my fourth email this week?

Edit:

No email sent.I feel like I spend so much energy and time thinking about you. Maybe I can use this time in between to just be my own hero, instead of looking to you to save me.

You will be there if I reach out.

I'm sorry if what I said about your remembering the garden centre came across as patronising. I am genuinely impressed...it was painful for me, but the idea that it would be significant to somebody else....

I wonder if you will think about me this afternoon at what had been 'our' time? Today is 3 weeks since we talked last.

Ok ok I admit it I miss you.

Ha emailed.

I do have exams coming up after all, and I don't want to do it alone.

I'm feeling unsure about whether I should go back to see you or just cut it off now.

I have that same wonder. Even when it's the same day as my appointments used to be with former T I think, I wonder if she is thinking about me. Glad to know I'm not the only one who does this. Kit

Dear T: For some reason I miss you and I want to talk to you. I think I'm going to have a lot of material by the time I see you on the 18th. Probably won't even get through it all. Kit

I wish I was better at making eye contact with you. I always look away when I’m trying to talk to you. I wish you would force me to look at you. I try to force myself but it doesn’t work.

T1- I really really want to email you, I'm really struggling not to you know. I know you don't really care anymore, infact I'm still left with the question 'did u ever' but for me the care and connection was real, and I just want to see how you doing and let you know about the big changes we were working towards throughout our time together.
So the big change happened last week as planned, I struggled, actually I really really struggled, but i live to tell the tale I suppose. Right now it's all up and down, I'm sharing with strangers which is something I never thought I could do but it's a case of having to. The worst bit is though that I had to leave G and P until I can get myself together and get them back!
So yeah I'm still here and still fighting, thsnkfully I'm not fighting alone so it seems, I have met a girl, a proper amazing lady who actually reminds me of you in many ways. She has been there though when you chose not to be. Then there is W my closest friend, he has really stepped up and got me through the darkest moments, I think you would be impressed because you wanted me to turn to him more and when I eventually did he gave me strength.
Then there's T2, you encouraged me to continue with this whole therapy stuff even though I didn't think I could/would, but I have. She's been very nice, calm and patient.
You T1 have left me with even less trust in how this is all meant to work, I mean if you could leave me without so much as a second glance after 2 years then surely anyone can, but yeah I'm staying with her and trying to keep the faith. Really I can't talk to many ppl about my heartbreak, attachment and longing for you, but she listens, she validates and she supports.
So yeah so far T2 has been good to me too! I didn't realise just how attached I became to you until it was to late to work through, but I suppose I survived the worst of it.
Just gotta stop myself from emailing you, just hope writing this out stops the urge for a little bit.
Then tomorrow, I fight the same battle all over again.

I miss you and I love you

Dear T: where are you? Kit

I think I am starting to trust you more

But every time I do that you do something that makes me think I shouldn’t

We have a normal session and it feels safe and you feel warm and caring and then we have another session and you feel unsafe and cruel and lecherous and I don’t know what to believe and if I am just ****ing crazy.

I know I am being a stubborn patoot and I don't give a rat's hiney.

Dear T,
Thanks for today’s session. I wish you could come with me to the meeting tomorrow for emotional support. But I’ll just try to remember the things you told me.
Love,
LT
ETA: hope your back feels better. Meant to say that as I was leaving today, but I’m sure you know I care.

I love u

I shall call you Pele now, because you seem to ahev slipped one past the goalie and elicited the biggest response yet. Well done.

Dear Info,

I’m waiting for our appointment while crying miserably in my car. Why can’t I get what so many other people get, for so much less? Even when I ask directly? Even when I’ve given it to them? Why am I so repugnant to them?

I’m really in bad shape.

I can’t sit in the waiting room like this. Maybe I’ll ask you to text me when you’re ready.

ATAT

HUGS @@ Many Hugs

Do I ask you if we can meet tomorrow or do I suck it up and wait? I'm pretty sure the only reason I want to meet is to sit in your presence and experience some calm. Somehow that doesn't seem valid.

If I wasn't being so stupid stubborn I could be there talking to you right now maybe. I am an idiot. But it's no good anyway. I love you too damn much.

Dear T,

I'm nervous but excited to see you tomorrow. I'm hoping your agency's case manager found a group for me but I'm not counting on it. In the meantime I think I may have found one myself but I'm not certain it still meets or how much it costs. I'm also feeling sad. Is it time to see you yet?

-Butterfly

That seems like a valid reason to meet to me...