Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

The elephant keeps walking as the dogs keep barking. Remaining zeroed in on the course, and pleased to be impervious to the b.s.

Can't wait to tell you about my work travel and the things that [expanded] my mind. Feeling like I really, deeply, truly know my stuff. Cracking the most difficult and complicated things. I like being useful, making a difference. I accept that I matter in the world. It has not always felt this way.

Dear Info,

I’m doing the thing where I pull over into a strip mall parking lot and alternately cry and stare into space.

I can’t cope. Last time I was “sick,” it involved two surgeries, one interrupted by the ventilator breaking, my idiot husband not being there, us breaking up, and senior cat dying.

And now it’s all a big question mark till I get test results and my family and friends aren’t offering support, even when I directly ask for it. I know, I know, you tried to turn it into a compliment about how strong they think I am. **** that. You’re only as strong as the people you can lean on.

And no offense, but back then No. 1 and No. 2 gave better support. Meaning, they didn’t suggest I watch Hallmark movies.

But at least you listened and loaned me something to help.

ATAT

(No comments please.)

I'm so nervous to see you tomorrow. It feels like a million years since I almost died from an OD and was put in the psych ward but it's only been a few days. I was able to move my appointment with you up because my friends put in a report about me. I wonder what it says. What do you know? Do you know I was in the hospital or will I have to tell you? I am dreading seeing the look on your face.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I want you. I don't want you.

I also got into a fight with my mother on skype because I snapped when she didn't hear what I was saying as she had something else playing at the same time like always. It was about being more depressed and wanting to come home. I told her that I didn't forgive her for beating my brother and me when we were younger, and that when she says she stayed for us, her decision to stay with her husband also affected us.

No one is there is for me and it's not a new thing.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

The intensity of this work week has really surprised me. In a good way, challenging to try to zero in on whatever these moments have needed when things became super hard. Feel strong as a willow bending in the breeze, feel the deep roots therapy has given me in these past years. I am glad that I started down this road with you.

oh t,

why must you be so damn perfect? and apparently i don’t need to have early sessions with you - your cologne smelled so good... i love you.

me

Dear T,

Thank you for yesterday. Thank you for listening and validating and, most of all, thank you for challenging my perceptions and giving me something to think about over the next few days. You might be the best.

I'm really trying to understand myself. I wanted to talk to you so desperately last night to the point of tears and today, I'm like eh. I don't need you. How can I since as you said I don't know you. You're so full of **** your eyes should be brown all those times you said you're your whole self in sessions, all those times I was talking about that very thing, only knowing the you you let me see and stuff. Why'd you lie? Which is the lie, anyway? Oh well it doesn't matter. I'm getting over it, I'm getting over you.

I emailed you at 5.42am this morning- no reply as of yet and I think you'll get back to me by Tuesday anyway.

I emailed the other T I saw back in jan at 12- he got back to me today.

I know it doesn't prove anything.

In 20 minutes I meet with pdoc. I know she will ask how it is going with you and what we are working on. How honest do I be with her. I am always honest and we have been through years of a rollarcoaster. Do I tell her that everyday I wish T was around to help me through the emotional rollercoaster I am on. So O tell her the work we are doing is the hardest thing I have ever done. Do I tell her that I use to feel like I had an amazing team who were on thiis painful journey with me . Now between you being so different than T so I dont want to contact you for reassurance when I am struggling and her health company losing so many providers do getting in is nearly impossible and the red tape of calling to talk on the phone (never mind her recent medical issues I feel totally on my own. Just longing for the one hour a week with you and 1/2 hour every 2-3 month so I for at least that time I feel supported and understood.

Thanks, LT. I'm in a weird space bc my therapist is out post surgery, but has been offering video sessions. I've just been trying to wait until she's back in the office, but I don't know when that will be. I ended up trying a video session today and it was pretty awful

I wish I hadn't bothered. I wish I had taken the opportunity offered by the break to cut ties. I can't see a less painful way that that's ever going to happen. I feel ****ing gutted.

12345678

Dear T,
Sorry for emailing you on a Friday afternoon, was just feeling really bad. Still feeling pretty bad. If you could just say something by, I don't know, Sunday or whatever. I included the caveat that I know it's the weekend. I think I clearly need to talk more about my illness/not feeling well guilt, stemming from my childhood and my mom. Because basically I felt like I screwed up so many things by having a migraine today, like it was totally my fault, that I'm too weak or that people won't believe me or something. And I worry that it seems like I don't care enough about my daughter to be able to power through it. Even though that would sound completely ridiculous to me if someone else said it to me. It's so different when it's me. Help?
Love,
LT

Can you please just tell me what to do? I don’t want to make the decision myself.

I love u hehehehehehhehhhh

wow u wrote me on a Friday

maybe ur working. idk. does it matter. no.......yes...

You've been so good to me

I’m so screwed. I just want to give up.

Guess maybe I'll hear from you tomorrow? Yes, I know, it's Friday night, you likely wouldn't want to encourage me or set some precedent, even if you did happen to read your email. Just feeling bad. Maybe sleep will help.

LT

I want to talk to you. Why can't I let myself call?

Suckiest of all is you don't even know any of this.

You being concerned and asking if I'm going to be okay as I was leaving makes it less likely.

I think I resent you asking. Because there's really no point. When the answer is no it's not like that changes anything. It just reminds me that it doesn't actually matter.

You expressing a hope/wish for me to take care of myself at the end of a session (or like the text) makes me feel like I have you with me as I'm making those choices. You asking if I'll be okay when the answer doesn't matter reminds me that I'm on my own.

Dear Info,

Do you even pay attention to a word I say? I told you very emphatically yesterday I did not want to have blood work, because that would just be more uncertainty.

ATAT

It's back. All the love I feel towards you is back. It wasn't easier to be angry with you, it was just a different kind of awful.