Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

All my dreams about you are about boundaries.

I think you out and out lied to me. I know you lied through omission, allowing me to continue to believe something that was completely incorrect even after I talked about it to some length.

Now I have to decide what to do about it, how am I going to handle this new information about you.

We (our relationship) are not at a strong enough place for me to handle this type of revelation.

I told you once that if I ever stopped emailing you, it would be a bad thing/sign. I wonder if you will remember that if this is the thing that completely breaks things between us.

Dear T,

Found a different counseling center I'm going to contact. There's also this one t I found who specializes in Asperger's Syndrome which I feel could be helpful but it's a male t and I'm not the biggest fan of male ts. I'm still looking around, so I'll still see you this week.

-Butterfly

T, thank you for listening to that first email I sent you. I know you said you read all of them but I can really tell that you read the first one and that it guides how you work with me. Thank you for trusting my determination to work with you even though you weren’t sure because I have a history of being afraid of men. Thank you for picking up right where Fr. Left off 19 years ago. I went back and counted, we have only had 10 sessions, 10 hrs together. There are so many things I wish you knew about me already but I guess for 10 hrs we aren’t doing too bad... and knowing me now, in this moment, is more important to you than knowing me before you... I see that and I am OK with that even if I don’t understand it. I just have so many people I want you to “meet”. Only having the genogram and who I am now leaves a lot of questions because the good people aren’t in the genogram, well, not most of them. I want you to know there were good things even if they weren’t the kinds of things you think of.

I don't feel well today and have been thinking of asking if I can see you this week.

Dear T,

Today I’m mourning the loss of my mother. I mean, she’s still alive and all, just not available in any real way and I’m feeling that. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m aware of the obvious connection my daughter and I have and can see how it contrasts with the lack of relationship I have with my mother. This weekend I could have used some supportive, mom-like words from my own mom, but she is incapable and that makes me sad. I also feel ashamed for wanting that. I have other supportive people in my life but there are some things you can only share with your mom and I’m mourning the loss of the kind of mother I know I’ll never have. Is that what I’m looking for from you with email responses?

Dear T: well yesterday's session kind of sucked. I guess I can't expect you to hit them all out of the park, can I? Why couldn't you have been more supportive about me not SH-ing over Lent? This is hard for me. You just said that it sounded like I would just SH on Easter then. Well I wouldn't on Easter DAY of all days. I get that you want me to commit to longer times. But this will be a long time. Can't you support that? I need your support. I guess I can do it without you but then, why am I paying you? Kit

Dear T,

My girlfriend of 7 months just broke up with me.

-Butterfly

I'm in charge!
I can do whatever I want and you can't stop me!

Well your email kinda missed the point. Sigh. Why did you reply? I was giving you material to read in preparation for our session tomorrow. I'm seeing you tomorrow, just wait till I see you.

I feel alone. I feel depressed.

I've done a lot of thinking these last few days. A lot of absorbing. Writing some notes to prepare for our next meeting. I'm going to make every effort to try really hard this week. Please, please, please notice my effort.

T, I’m sad. I’m watching my marriage unravel so very quickly and you are so far away. I don’t want to do this alone but I guess I already am. I want him to come with me, to see you, to fix this... but I don’t see it happening.

I wnt you to help me
I want you to help
I want you
thatsthe bottom linei think

Dear T,

Thank you for being patient with me and for always "catching" me. I am so grateful.

--EG

Hey T: I just realized that you said you took the day off today bc of your kids faking being sick, but you still came to my appointment. Thank you.

I have had it with everything. I feel so low that I can't get much lower. I feel like a bit nothing. I am worrying about if I will be able to get money. This is why I hate myself with a passion. I feel completely abandoned. I wish I could just abandon myself completely. I despise myself.

Damn it T, this sucks and it hurts and now I can’t even look at you. I can’t stop crying and I do not want to call or email you... this would be a call... I don’t want to call you. I’m afraid of your voicemail saying you are away, hearing Your voice say you were gone would totally suck. I’d totally loose it if you answered and if your voicemail doesn’t say you are gone then I know for sure you’d call. I know you didn’t mean to open this box before you left, it came up and I honestly don’t think you expected me to be open to it... if anything you only planned on putting it out there so I wouldn’t be blindsided when you wanted to talk about it. I know you would never knowingly open up something painful then go away. I know you don’t want me to hurt, at least not more than is absolutely unavoidable...
or is this just H making my life hell again because you are gone? The last time you were gone there were problems too. Damn it T just quit going away. I want to sleep on the couch in the waiting room... but then I know I wouldn’t sleep, I’d be crying all night. Why do you have to live up to the Fr transference T? Why does Fr. have to be “gone” right now too?
6 more days...

eenie meenie miney mo --- do I let you back in, can I let you back in, do I want to let you back in?

Thank you for being gentle with me.

That wasn't super helpful. It wasn't awful, but I don't think we made any progress either. Sigh.

Dear T:

I am working on seeing alternatives in the place where I feel stuck. Theoretically there are always different ways to see things and different ways to do things, but the difficult part comes in giving up the benefits of the alternatives, or the privileges of staying stuck. Fixed, specific ideas are difficult to give up, like a favorite blanket or a home that doesn't really work for my needs right now. Sometimes it's just a lot easier to engage in the status quo, as there is too much planning and logistics needed to make big physical changes. I am a fortunate and lucky person to even be able to contemplate these changes, and not being tied down to place or person feels exciting. What to do with the want but the not quite able to? Especially when the change is not driven by hurt or issues, but just a desire for *more.* I want it, but I'd prefer it just be handed to me. Haha.

t..

how am I supposed to ghost u when u offer to see me on ur day off..

I emailed you this morning, and no sooner had I clicked send than I thought of the person you were sitting with at that moment. I hate it when your phone goes off in session, so why did I do that to someone else?

Today is one of those days when I want to curl into your presence like a child in a blanket.