Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

I'm not doing so well. Extremely depressed and upset with T. I'm angry at her (please don't lecture me why I shouldn't be).

I got some forms from CPS to get the girls. I don't qualify because we're not financially stable. Oh well. It wasn't meant to be. It's up to my sister to get them back. That's where they belong so long as she stays away from her boyfriend.

That's a pretty stringent test these days. I bet they lose a lot of great parents that way.

That’s crazy, I can’t tell you how many foster families in my area live below the poverty line. Several years ago when I had access to the numbers almost 25% of our foster parents were functionally illiterate. We have very few middle class foster families and virtually no wealthy ones. The vast majority of our foster parents at MOST had a high school diploma. I think less than 10% had a college degree a few years ago... crazy. There are so many things that are more important than money.

Ugh, just sent T an email letting him know how crappy things have been between H and I, that H may come to my next appointment AND that H and I have discussed inpatient. I hope poor T doesn’t flip out on me. I tried to emphasize how much T is helping but that as toxic as my home is I feel like I need to do better self care but don’t know how. I hope I emphasized enough how helpful T is... I don’t want him to think this is a shortcoming of him or his work with me... I just don’t think therapy once every 7-10 days is enough when you go home in between to a son who is abusive to you and a husband who at best doesn’t know how to be supportive and at worst can be abusive himself. Now to be neurotic until T assures me that he knows I totally feel he is enough, a good enough T for me... just that H and my son make it too hard.... off to panic and cry... then work in the AM and neurotically checking my phone... tomorrow is T’s first day back end we are now on email 6

I was going at least twice a week (plus group) when I was in the midst of my abusive situation. Can you not have more frequent sessions?

I don’t know. I know we have to schedule a month out to make sure I can see him weekly and I am pretty much a standard on his cancellation list for the two days I could come on short notice but have never gotten a call. Twice a week would be a lot better I think. I don’t think I would have to email as much if at all. I know I need the contact but at the same time I respect that this is his job. I know he figures in some outside contact into his fee but I feel like I am taking advantage of his time. Not in a blame me/I’m bad way... just that it doesn’t seem right to unilaterally demand that he read all this stuff without compensation... even though he values being available to his clients when they need to reach out.
It’s weird... Other T’s either I never needed them between sessions or saw it differently. With this T I see him sorta like a emotional healing consultant (hmmm... I think I need to tell him his new job title... I think he would get a laugh out of it)... and prior to adopting my son I was a consultant so I seem to have a lot more empathy for his needs with a lot less shame for mine... which leaves me not knowing what to do.

just sent another text to T asking for confirmation that i can never go back and asking what i do wrong because he is the second T to say i cant come back.

you would think that starships as advanced as Voyager would have automatic fire suppression systems. yeah?

I just reread T's email. She said "The plan was to come back October 1st".... "Was"? So the plan changed?

She was supposed to leave me feeling secure and stable, but now I'm starting to feel abandoned. However long this leave is will be really hard. I'm so hurt and mad. Wednesday night can't come soon enough. I desperately need someone to bounce these thoughts off of.

Maybe I'll just email L?

i was right he is scaling back his practice and not replacing clients as they leave.

Maybe she put the “WAS” in because you can’t predict the future even 6 months from now. You can’t even predict tomorrow or an hour from now. I don’t think this will make you feel any better but I’m certainly not here to try to make you feel worse. Any good parent makes their child their number one priority and that child becomes the most important thing in the world to that parent. Does she have any other kids? Maybe before kids her career was the most important thing to her but that all changed the moment she got pregnant. Sure, pending no complications with her or her child she will probably return in 6 months-if everything goes as planned but as we all know life tends to get in the way of plans more often than we would like.

All of that being said...your feelings are valid because they are your feelings and your allowed to have them. I really hope once you start seeing L regularly that the next 6 months will go easy for you. Hey, you might even like L more-you never know. And you also have a lot of power here. Your T may be making you feel uncertain that she will return in 6 months but If I was a betting man-there is probably a part of her that might feel uncertain that some of her clients might not be coming back in 6 months. Or maybe she doesn’t care if none of them return. Point is-you just don’t know. It’s hard and I’m sorry you are dealing with so much right now. Hugs.

I believe back then it was probably part of the problem, but as of now I have a good grip on the program I’m following and pretty sure I’m getting enough if not slightly more than I should be. On work days I eat slightly more because I’m more active on work days. I think lately I just can’t shut down at night.

Now it’s time to go back to work. Here’s to surviving the next 10 hours.

The decisive battles of the Roman Civil Wars (Pharsalus, Philippi and Actium) are all in Greece.

I totally read it with the accent.

Morning couch! Hugs/headnods all around. I'm back to 10 hr weekdays and a 6-8 hr weekend shift. Pbbbt on overtime. Except the part about the extra $.

Scarlet, I think it makes total sense that you feel upset. Expecting a final session before her maternity leave and not getting it is like having the rug pulled out from under you. You can know and respect her reasons for having to cancel on one hand but still feel very disappointed on the other. I think this is a perfect chance to lean on L. The whole idea was for her to be available to work with you when your T was off dealing with pregnancy stuff; it's just starting slightly earlier than expected.

But youve been with him quite a while, right? Maybe some new ts have come to town since then, plus you have learned more about being a client, right? Signed, pollyanna

BCM, what is it about the smiley "how can I help you?" types that bugs you? Do you not feel like you deserve kindness? Do you feel like they're being fake? If you can figure that out, maybe you can go see one of the smiley types and tell them what you need to make therapy work. My T is super warm and fuzzy, which I like and can handle now, but she can be very business-like and firm in certain circumstances too. I think some therapists might be able to tone down the touchy-feely stuff if you let them know that it makes you feel like punching.

I agree with all of this. Reach out to L.

Also, where do you get the sense of them being smiley "How can I help you?" If that's just how they are in their online profile, for example, or on an initial phone call/email, it doesn't mean that's how they'll be in sessions with you. I mean, my T looks kind of smiley and "how can I help you?" on his website, but he's not really like that in person. I mean, he's fairly friendly, but not all warm and fuzzy or annoyingly upbeat (he can be quite sarcastic). So I'd give them a chance.

Good Morning Couchies. I've not been around for a few days because I've been sick. I took Friday off of work, spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday watching TV and sleeping and trying to get better. Managed to work half a day yesterday until my boss sent me home. It's just a cold but it did knock the wind out of my sails. I'm not feeling great, but I'm coughing less. I'm not running a fever. I have a sinus headache from hades. And I'm back at work. I don't think my boss will send me home today but I came in an hour early just in case. Trying to get as many hours in as I can. I just feel run down more than anything and the painful headache. Sorry I haven't been around couchies. Missed ya'll. Germ free hugs to anyone who wants one. Kit

Hugs Kit, I hope you start feeling better quickly!

Thanks Artie!

Lost a few pounds. I've been exercising. Weighed myself this weekend, and was pleased there was some movement on the scale.

My scale appears to be stuck again. It certainly could have nothing to do with me eating ice cream yesterday and sunday. Heh. Stupid tasty feelings.