[goatee]

As I’ve written about before, my T and I had a rupture several weeks ago when I suddenly found out that she had taken away something from me that I valued tremendously. We’ve somewhat worked it out- meaning my T chose to take it away anyway despite my feelings and wasn’t willing to compromise on it. I thought I had accepted it and we had moved on. However, ever since this happened, I find myself feeling incredibly upset about little things with my T. We’ve had a whole bunch of mini ruptures in the last few weeks now because of these tiny things affecting me. It’s very unlike me. I also find myself continually feeling panicky about my relationship with my T and not feeling safe and trusting like I usually do. We’ve talked about this and my T knows, but it still seems to be happening. I’m definitely not wanting to walk away from this relationship. Just struggling very badly right now. To make it even worse, in the midst of all this, I told my T something about an old incident between us that had hurt me very badly and she didn’t say much at all. Soooo, I’m just really feeling down about all this and frustrated with myself.

[ElectricManatee]

This sounds really hard. My T and I once had a rupture that took almost two full years to resolve (assuming it's fully resolved now, which I think it is). We didn't talk about it every session or even every month, but sometimes it takes a very long time to work things out. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

[goatee]

Thanks, EM. Yeah, it really is hard and so painful. I’m not sure what to do. I feel like if I keep getting upset about little things constantly, it’s going to erode our relationship, which I definitely don’t want to have happen. I’ve had that happen with a previous relationship and deeply regret it. Yet I can’t seem to help all of my upsets when they happen, and I can’t seem to help myself from telling her suddenly. I also don’t want to make it clear to my T again how bad things really are between us. That seems pointless because she will not change her mind about what happened and then she will also know that our relationship isn’t really okay, which feels horrible to me. She does a lot for me and I know she will feel unappreciated then, which puts a lot of fear in me. So I just don’t know…

[LonesomeTonight]

This suggests to me that you haven't actually resolved/repaired the rupture. When I had ruptures with ex-MC (one solvable, one not) and with current T (we worked through it), I often thought maybe I was over it, then realized I had to talk about it more because other stuff kept coming up. Like you said you're experiencing, other little conflicts. And difficulty with trust. So I found I just had to keep bringing it up and discussing it, even if it was weeks or months later. And even though I felt like it was probably frustrating to T (he said it wasn't--don't think I ever actually asked ex-MC).

So, keep talking about it. It may take time to figure out if you can really trust your T again. My T has said that working through ruptures (well, he says "conflicts") can ultimately make a relationship stronger (not just therapy, in outside life, too). I think this is true in some cases. But with ex-MC, with the final rupture, I found we just couldn't work through it, and I just couldn't trust him anymore or get the same feelings from him that I once did. I ultimately realized that we couldn't go back. With T, we were able to work through it. For me, I needed T to really understand what I was feeling (or at least to really try to understand and seem invested in that) and why. I think only time and talking about it--and how your T reacts to your talking about it--are what can determine if it's fixable.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Just keeping talking it through. It sounds like your therapist is aware this is an issue for you, so I don't think it will surprise her that you still need to process this. These kinds of relationship bumps can take time to get beyond. Ultimately, it will come down to you being able to decide to move past it. That would look like forgiveness to me, but that word is very loaded to many people so I'm hesitant to use it but I'm going to share what that means to me.

Some years back, my husband and I went through a really rough patch. I honestly wasn't sure I could get past things that were said and the pain it had caused me. It was so bad that it felt emotionally abusive and I had thoughts of leaving him. But ultimately, I valued my long-term relationship with my husband more than the wounds, and I made that decision to forgive so that I could emotionally return to the relationship having left those incidents and that pain behind us. I knew that emotionally rehashing events and words that were in the past, that could not be changed, and that were no longer an issue in our current relationship (things had changed and much improved) was serving no purpose other than to keep me stuck in my own anger and resentment. I didn't want to stay stuck in those horrible feelings; I wanted to move past that and allow our relationship to move forward; the only way for me to do that was to forgive. It wasn't about forgetting (obviously I haven't). It wasn't about saying what he said and did was all right (it wasn't and he knows that). It wasn't about letting him off the hook (he took responsibility and apologized AND - most importantly - never repeated or continued that kind of behavior). It was about leaving that set of events in the past so that we could move forward; it was about letting go of my own pain about the past so I could appreciate the joy and love of our relationship in our present. If I couldn't do that, I would have had to abandon that relationship.

Sometimes we DO have to leave a relationship. The pain is too deep and the ability to find a new baseline for the changed relationship just isn't there. It may not even be a possibility. In those cases, we may need to leave that relationship and move on to a different one. Please, please, don't read my story as a "you just need to forgive and forget about it" post; it isn't. Only you know what you need to do to move forward, and that may mean you need to leave . . . and that is okay if that is what you need to do. I only share my story because you sound like you value your relationship with your therapist and seem to want to find a way to regroup and move past that incident. Mine is a story of having found a way to do that.

Whatever happens. I hope you find some personal peace with your situation. Life and relationships are hard.

[ElectricManatee]

I think there is a lot to unpack, just in this paragraph alone.

Originally Posted by goatee

I feel like if I keep getting upset about little things constantly, it’s going to erode our relationship, which I definitely don’t want to have happen. I’ve had that happen with a previous relationship and deeply regret it.

That's the nice thing about the weird premise of the therapeutic relationship: you get to stay and work through it with minimal fear that the other person will bail. You also get a chance to practice being a different way in a relationship with plenty room to make mistakes and try again.

Originally Posted by goatee

Yet I can’t seem to help all of my upsets when they happen, and I can’t seem to help myself from telling her suddenly. I also don’t want to make it clear to my T again how bad things really are between us.

My guess is that your T can sense that things aren't quite right, and part of the distress you feel is the pressure building up when you feel like you can't talk about what's bothering you. But where else do you get to air all of the things that bother you and try to work on resolving them? There is the actual topic of the rupture to talk through, but then there is also the experience of communicating your feelings and being heard that can be very valuable. I try to use feelings words a lot with my T, both because she digs it and because it helps me identify what I am feeling in the moment. It sounds really basic, but it can help keep the conversation on track without me spinning out. Expressing the feeling in words keeps me out of the emotional "red zone" and better able to process what's happening between us.

Originally Posted by goatee

That seems pointless because she will not change her mind about what happened and then she will also know that our relationship isn’t really okay, which feels horrible to me.

100% relatable! My T is probably literally the most stubborn person I know and rarely changes her mind or admits fault, even when sometimes she really, really needs to. It is infuriating at times, but I have figured out how to accept/deal with that annoying part of her while still advocating for my needs in the relationship and appreciating all the good things about her. Being able to do that helps me in other relationships too.

I am also wondering what would happen if she knew that the relationship isn't okay. Because it's not okay on your end, right? It can feel totally horrible for important relationships to have conflict, but the surest way to save the relationship is to repair the conflict. If you just ignore whatever it happening for you, it's likely to get worse.

Originally Posted by goatee

She does a lot for me and I know she will feel unappreciated then, which puts a lot of fear in me. So I just don’t know…

Do you know for sure that she will feel unappreciated? I have no way of knowing from here, but I know that sometimes I assume things about my T based on past relationships, and my assumptions aren't always accurate. The very first time I got angry with my T, I tried to shut everything down but I was so angry that it all came spilling out anyway. I knew on this deep, emotional level that she was going to shame me for being angry with her and then get even angrier with me. But of course it didn't happen. That was a turning point to see that I could express anger and she could accept it and we could talk about everything. Then later I was able to piece together where I got the idea that she wouldn't respond well. My point is that all of this stuff can be really good therapy material with the right therapist. I'm rooting for you to work through it, even though I know it probably feels miserable and hopeless right now.

[goatee]

Thank you so much, everyone. Your words are really hitting me.

Meanwhile, I just told T about another tiny thing that has upset me. I just pushed it with her by telling her about it yet again (she ignored it the first two times I mentioned it) and now am completely terrified of her response. I shouldn’t have told her/pushed it, but I can’t seem to let the little things go right now. They literally devastate me and drive me insane.

[goatee]

I just want to thank everyone for their thoughtful responses. I’ve been reading them all day and mulling them over. You’ve all given me a lot to think about. It’s just that I’m now suddenly as of tonight in the midst of one of those tiny ruptures again and not thinking straight, but I didn’t want to not answer, not express my appreciation, or not explain.

[Anne2.0]

There have been many thoughtful comments in this thread. I think part of what's difficult for you in this situation is accepting your thoughts and feelings for what they are, or part of what may be helpful to you is to work on being okay with what you feel and what you decide to do about it. I don't see anything wrong in not being able to let the little things go. I think if you can accept this is where you are right now, and feel good about being able to say what's on your mind-- especially to a T, I think being honest with other people is probably mostly better than the alternative. If you're going to err in a relationship, this seems to me the better mistake than withholding. Especially in a T relationship.

I get wanting to not make the same mistakes you've made before in relationships. I'm starting to date again after more than a couple of decades, which is super weird but also triggers these kind of feelings all the time about what did I say? Should I have said it? TMI? blah blah blah. I study the other person's response to see if I can figure anything out, and it's really hard. But two things are kind of on the forefront of my mind, something I learned in T. First, that relationships are hard and induce a lot of anxiety in me. I attribute this mostly to my CSA past and the aftermath of that. I feel more skilled and resilient in relationships now, am more relaxed than I used to be, but relationships are really about the long term. Little things said and done imperfectly will not matter much, and feeling that there is less at stake in any given moment is helpful to me. The other thing that may be more useful to you in the context of "little things" and ruptures is to get a little meta about relationships, to step back and think about what you're trying to accomplish in this moment (to act intentionally, rather than blurting stuff out), and then see which of possible responses might facilitate your goal. For example, if you are working towards trying to be more honest in the moment with T about what upsets you, then saying something about the little things rather than stuffing it seems a much better choice. I'm not sure what you do per se, talk about it or not, matters as much as the why. If, on the other hand, you are saying something about the little things because she won't change her mind about the thing she took away, either because you're still grinding away on that conflict and hoping she will, or because you are trying to punish her for the hurt you still feel, then maybe saying something about the little things is not productive to what you're trying to accomplish and who you are trying to be in a relationship.

The thing that helped me with T and relationships is a place to practice with low stakes, at least with the things I was able to say to my T, he didn't have any kind of "hot" response to. That's not always true with the people in my life. It's a chance to see what lies underneath the choices I made about what I say and do. So what strikes me in what you said, "I can't let the little things go" is of course you have a choice. No one, including you, is forcing you to say or not say anything. Maybe it would be helpful to you to explore the why with T rather than the what. In part because everyone owns what they say and do. In some ways, these are the only choice we truly have, not being able to control other people and their reactions and what the universe drops in our laps and all that. But you are the boss of you and how you choose to relate to people.