Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Do I need to see you soon? I'm just so emotional, and scared!

I don't count what I told you as a 'doorknob confession' tonight. I knew you'd be too excited about it.

I was just lying here in my bed thinking I want to shock you with my badness. Only that can't actually be true. If it were, I had the chance to do it today in session. I could have told you any of the things that were in my head. I didn't because the thought horrified me. I guess I must not actually want to shock you with my badness since I passed up the opportunity to do so.

Pathetic.

Dear No. 3,

I dreamt about you last night. I was searching for you and couldn’t find you. Somehow I was in my childhood home. I looked out the window and a car I knew was yours pulled up, except it was just like my mother’s old VW beetle, only yours was gray. At that point I woke up.

Don’t think that dream needs interpreting, but now I miss you.

ATAT

I'm annoyed at you.

I'm not in a crisis or anything, but I emailed on sunday asking if I could have an earlier session either on tuesday or today as I don't have any classes instead of seeing you thursday.

Dunno why you couldn't just say either say if it was possible or not without asking if it was a permanent or temporary thing?

So i'll just take that as a no. You don't get that the waiting around for you is the hardest thing. I don't want to be so weak in this need for you.

Just leave me alone.

So thanks for the session today!

T, I don't think I want to see you again.

I’ve sent you THREE messages asking to reschedule our appt next week. The courtesy of a reply would be nice.

Welp, I've written the message. Am I going to send it?

Dear T,

One more session, just one before the five week break that I have been dreading. I don't know if I am ready for this....I don't think I am. I am already hurting from the pain of missing you.

I'm supposed to see you tomorrow.

I hit a wall today and I am secretly completely overwhelmed, though no one would know it from looking at me.

You'd think that would be a great time to go to therapy, right? Except I have hit the spot where I am hanging on by Coping, the kind with a capital C. The people around me need so much of my presence and energy and attention right now that I don't have time, space, energy to let go of my stuff. I am gripping it so tightly that I might disintegrate if I let it go.

I don't think once a month is often enough right now. And I don't want to find another therapist and start over because in some respects I am in the home stretch here. And I don't think it would be a good idea to quit. So....Coping.

And I probably won't tell you any of this tomorrow.

I just want to give up on everything. It's all just too painful.

T, why am I freaking out about everything. How do I find my way back.

Sounds weird but I feel like I need guidelines for how sessions are supposed to go and what I’m supposed to be talking about. I have so much on my mind all the time and I admit I feel this tiny pressure to talk about what I’m “supposed” to talk about, those things being whatever causes me to feel this emptiness and shame that probably is related to the childhood trauma, but it hurts too much to say that. And it’s triggering in itself. I cry and feel drained after every session and this has been happening for about a month. It doesn’t feel unmanageable, but it’s not pleasant.

I’m trying, I just don’t know how to approach the topic in a way. What is the topic?

I don’t know why but I feel this need to ask you if there are any questions you’d like to ask me. Maybe about the things you’re hoping I get into but I can’t figure out what you want.

Generally there’s this sense of “There’s something you’re not telling me.” It’s this suspicion that seems misplaced because you’ve done nothing to earn that. But still, I want to know what you’re not telling me.

T,

It’s only been a week and a half but it feels like it’s been a long time.

-c

**offers hugs if wanted** WFS, I hope things ease up soon

Dear T,

You picked a bad week to go away. Are you back yet?

-Butterfly

I think I’m just going to cancel our last appointment. You obviously don’t respect me or my time enough to reply to a simple request to move the appointment, even tho I’ve contacted you three times to change it. I’m over begging for stuff and feeling like you own me. . Have a nice summer, I guess.

Thank you for being an anchor for me, when I cannot be so for myself.

That was alright.

We need to talk about mother's day in reference to our relationship. How do I do that without to some degree making it about you or getting an honest response from you about your take on things here. I do understand that a lot of this is my projections regarding how I feel about my own inner world. I need something from you around this topic and I don't know what it is or even how to bring it up to explore it without triggering all kinds of stuff.

I don't want you looking at me today. Is that so much to ask?

The steadying effect of your greyblue , intelligent gaze warms my heart, and today stays with me after the session and into the afternoon. Maybe therapy is about learning to love within limits.

Dear T,
Felt connected to you today. Glad you'd actually switched the plants, and I wasn't losing my mind (you really should start out sessions saying, "Yes, I moved the plants"). Guess I gave both of us a good laugh with that! Thanks for sending me the Michael Phelps breathing article, though it was slightly awkward having you do that in the middle of session. But you'd obviously thought of me before when you saw it, so I appreciate that. I guess maybe next week we need to get back to some of the more difficult work. I think I just needed the less intense, more relationship-building and reflecting on how I'm doing sessions this week. Then again, as you said today, evaluating how I'm doing now compared to a year ago is also pretty important. And you didn't say "take care," but I think..."be well?" "do well?" something like that as I was leaving. So I'll take that.

Love,
LT