Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

T, I think I’ve done my whole life wrong, wasted my life. Believing in therapists. Wanting my T to be my mom. Well, if you had lived through what I had, you would too. But there’s no doing that. I think I’ve finally given up and surrendered. So, T, if you’re not something to hold onto, then what is? Maybe I should’ve forgiven my mom for hurting me so badly long ago. What she did hurt me terribly and was horrible and crazy, but there’s no doubting how much she loves me. That at least she cares about me. I don’t have anything else now.

I read the first sentence of your email, and it doesn’t look good. You scare me when you get like this. Terrify me actually because I can’t handle anger and because I’m so attached to you. So, I will back down. Not get what I need. Try to make it up to you for angering you. Swallow my needs and my feelings like always. Know that it’s me, that I poison people and things. But this time, I’m giving up. After some time, when I’ve been doing that for awhile and things are good again, I must not get lulled into a false sense of safety anymore. I must remember this. Must stop having hope and believing. So.... now that I’m shut down inside and gone, how do I get myself out of this mess? How do I begin by finding the courage to read your email?

Could use a reply tonight.

T, I want to cry so badly. I worked so hard on a project while you were away... to stay grounded, to feel connected... yes, to remind me of you and the calm you bring me. Now H said all kinds of crazy crap about me stalking you, making therapy about you, wanting to make you uncomfortable... I picked a color you almost always wear, I picked a print that matches the few pictures in your office, and a truck pattern because we have talked about the old truck... yes, all about you... but I didn’t go searching for any of it... everything can be seen from inside your office... it isn’t like I made it look like your family room... now I am scared, ashamed and self conscious... and down on myself because he hooked me and I know it. Please be gentle and please don’t make me ask for everything tomorrow.

I have no clue where you are or what you're doing this week. It could be something fun like a vacation or something ****** like a medical thing. I don't think you'd tell me if it was a minor surgery or something.
I feel a bit bad for only thinking about myself. But if I start worrying about you then it will impede my ability to work with you while not actually helping you in any way. You don't need me to be worrying about you.
I do wonder if you've thought about me at all since Friday. Are you going to wonder how I'm doing at any point this week? Or will you just forget I exist?

I took blood from my first real patient.

Dear T
I'm scared to see you tonight. I don't know why. I just am. I am worried about wasting your time (although I'm paying you so wouldn't I just be wasting my time?) and I'm worried about not having enough to say. I am in a hiatus right now. I'm not SH-ing thanks to my promise, so, well, hmm. What to talk about? My desire to SH. My longing to SH. Yeah, for some reason, I don't think you'd get that. I can talk to you about work. How I'm worried for my job with the buyout and all. But it's not like you can do anything about it. Kit

Dear T,
Ok I just confirmed that you mention the town you grew up in, right on the front page of your web site. So why did you get so weird about me mentioning the county? Saying “what, where was I born?” I was just making the comment that you’re from a different part of the state so makes sense you’re not familiar with the specific neighborhood I’m from.
Otherwise good session I think?
LT

I actually considered texting you. But there are too many reasons not to.
Why did you get to spontaneously change the boundary once?
I think next session I might ask you to never do that again and to give me your word that you won't, so that I can stop torturing myself by hoping for it.
That was really stupid and irresponsible of you, by the way. You know how I am about boundaries.

Why do I feel so bad?

Losing people hurts, moving on is painful, pretending life is okay is hard, seeing everybody else moving on sucks. I hate the month of May.

I don't think I can control myself... maybe I just don't want to.

I'm not sorry for texting you. I feel defiant.

Dear T: I see you in about 50 minutes. I'm nervous!!!!! Kit

Dear T: I don't know why I'm nervous, I just am! Kit

Good luck Kit.

I really don't want next week to be our last session. Please don't go...

Dear ex t when you rang just then and I didn't answer I realised I am frightened of you I want to be close to you but you terrify me everybody does people get close and I panicked and run straight the other way. I guess I will never know what you had to say. You know I can't really speak on phones.

I felt very low yesterday and my anxiety is back.

15th = internal test
17th= sports med
28th may= pharmacology
6th june= urology
14th= derm
24th= neurology
24th july= radio

I have just realised how much better I feel after telling you about my first T but every time I tried in session you seemed really uncomfortable so i did not get to the nitty gritty

A bad memory from work came up this morning and now I feel enraged. How on Earth do I deal with this?

Dear T. It was nice seeing you last night. And I have two more appointments this month. I feel lucky to get in to see you. You aren't nearly as good as former T but there are things about you I like quite a lot. Kit

That session was scary and painful and I can't stand it. I think I might actually cry. I feel guilty and dirty and bad. I hate feelings. I want to get rid of them. I can't stand it.

I can't bear to tell you things. It's too painful.

That session Saturday was too much!!! I really need to talk but can't find the words or the person to talk to. How can I do this if grad school is so tough. I need self care. I need to relax but I'm scared. I need someone in person to be here to let me cry. I hate crying!! Why am I just so... This????!!!!