Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

piggy momma · May 13, 2019, 06:12 PM

Thank you for not freaking out when I told you I’m taking the summer off from therapy. You didn’t like it, but you heard and respected me.

LonesomeTonight · May 13, 2019, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Idk if this will be helpful...
My T actually said no to a request kind of like this once, after discussing it and some careful consideration. It was something that had been really difficult for me to ask for, and it definitely felt like rejection.
But he was right that it would have been harmful for me in the long run.
Other things he's carefully considered and discussed before agreeing to them.

And I try to reframe it (rolling my eyes at myself as I say this, sorry) as that it would be easier to just say yes to whatever, but that he cares enough to not just do the easy thing without thinking about it.
He actually stops to carefully consider it. Because sometimes what I want isn't the same thing as what I need (and the nature of therapy, or at least my therapy, is such that I'm agreeing to follow his judgment on these things to some extent)
And, because I definitely have serious parental issues and transference, thinking about parenting styles too. A good parent won't just say yes to anything their child wants. A good parent will consider things first and is willing to say no sometimes, even if it's something their kid wants, because they care about their child's best interests. It's out of love.

I still felt rejected and cried though lol

Thanks, this helps to hear--both that you understand what your T was doing and also that you felt rejected and cried over it. I think I'm unsure as to why this might be harmful to me--he seems to be concerned that he won't have the reaction I want. But I think a big part of it is being able to tap into emotions that music brings out in me, that I might struggle to tap into otherwise. I mentioned that briefly today, but maybe should have gone more into it? I don't know...it just feels like something I want to try. Maybe I could start really small, play him like a 30-second to 1-minute clip of something? See how that goes? I don't know.

But it definitely helps to hear that he's likely looking out for my best interests. And he wants to know what I'd be trying to get out of it. The problem is, I'm not 100% sure? I think it's just another way of expressing myself. So maybe that's where the rejection is coming from? It feels like he isn't accepting this form of expression from me. Like he doesn't think it's appropriate, even though he didn't say that. Hm, that's maybe what this is about? That it's like...my voice is being muted, or something. My self-expression.

Victoria'smom · May 13, 2019, 08:27 PM

Pdoc,

Thank-you

chihirochild · May 13, 2019, 08:41 PM

Dear T,

I wish you would respond to my email. I feel so apprehensive about this upcoming trip and missing my session with you too. I want to feel close to you now, when I’m scared.

-c

WePow · May 13, 2019, 08:42 PM

Today I deleted every email and pic you ever sent me. For the first time since being in therapy for all these years, you succeeded in doing what I needed you to do the most... make me hate you. Now I won't care any more if you do or don't lie to me. Whatever,

May 13, 2019, 09:31 PM

i still love you damn it

Elio · May 13, 2019, 09:56 PM

ughhhh today was not enough time

LabRat27 · May 13, 2019, 10:05 PM

I have 21 hours left to decide.
I guess if I don't decide then that makes my decision for me. Running out the clock.
Does it count as "progress" if I just never got around to it?
(We both know it was more than that)
(maybe I just wanted to keep my options open.

Possible trigger:

There's no ctrl z on ctrl x.)

puzzclar · May 13, 2019, 11:47 PM

2 weeks until I see you..... And I'm scared that what happened last time will happen again. I hate having voices!!!!!
Oddly enough, things have slowed down, as far as the voices go. But I have been depressed and not doing things to take care of myself.

LostOnTheTrail · May 14, 2019, 07:35 AM

The heaviness is here.

darkestpart · May 14, 2019, 08:36 AM

t,

i am pretty sure we are done for good this time. my heart hurts, but i don’t think i can even talk it out with you. please don’t hate me.

me

Lrad123 · May 14, 2019, 09:31 AM

Our relationship feels like a pebble in my shoe. Something is uncomfortable and I don’t know what it is.

LonesomeTonight · May 14, 2019, 10:01 AM

Dear T,
At times I feel like I'm looking to you for something that I can't get. But simultaneously, I realize it's better for me if I don't get it. Yet realizing that doesn't erase the want. Part of me feels I should talk about this, but we've likely spent too much time discussing the relationship anyway. Maybe you're like a healthy diet and regular exercise--I'd rather just sit on the couch eating potato chips, but it's best for me in the long run if I'm healthier. But then sometimes I do still want potato chips (especially these lime and pepper ones I discovered, because those are really good).

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · May 14, 2019, 10:08 AM

Dear T,
Also, I might play a song for you Thursday. I feel some strange need to do that. I'm also not even sure it's about your reaction per se--it's more my desire to share something I can't easily express in words. Maybe it's more about the actual expressing it, having that vulnerability, as opposed to your reaction.

I'm contemplating a more straightforward song though, because the National has some really confusing lyrics. And since you'd want me to hand you a sheet with the lyrics on them, I don't want you spending the whole time being like, WTF is he talking about? The Typhoon song I'm considering is more straightforward, at least the main parts of it. Plus it's pretty short.

Love,
LT

SlumberKitty · May 14, 2019, 10:39 AM

Hey LT, maybe I'm missing the boat on this, but it's YOUR therapy session. If you want to share a song, I don't see why that wouldn't be allowed, or why it would be a problem. I never did that with former T in session but I did send her a text link to a song once. But I would share jokes occasionally in session or something like that and it was never a problem. (Not a criticism on your therapy or your T--I just don't understand why you just weren't allowed to share it when you wanted to, like why there needed to be discussion about it.) In any event, I support you, and I hope that if you do share a song with your T that it goes well and that what you are looking for will be fulfilled. HUGS Kit.

LabRat27 · May 14, 2019, 01:59 PM

5 hours
And suddenly I don't even know what I want to talk to you about.

Lemoncake · May 14, 2019, 02:16 PM

Internal test tomorrow- that i'm just going to do in the morning now. I've written everything down already though.

Not fighting with you two sessions in a row is weird. I actually like having our ruptures because this feels uncomfortable and unsafe. Maybe tomorrow might be session number three- and after 2.5 years I might talk about the stuff I didn't budge on last session- but my one request is that you cover your eyes, like I've trained you to do.

P.s 13 days till pharma and my brain is waking up early at odd hours with anxiety right from the word go.

May 14, 2019, 05:19 PM

I woke up at like 2 am this morning at first I thought I was missing you like crazy and then I realized that the emptiness I felt inside meant that I was actually hungry, because I didn't eat dinner last night, so I got up and ate some mashed potatoes, then went right back to sleep. geez...

Lrad123 · May 14, 2019, 09:13 PM

I feel a sadness and heaviness in my chest that makes me want to quit. I always go there and I’m not sure why. Sometimes it’s just better alone.

goatee · May 14, 2019, 11:01 PM

I’m really upset that you didn’t answer me. I can’t believe that you didn’t answer that email.

May 15, 2019, 02:25 AM

i just realised you are saying I can never see you again, this is unacceptable. I feel like I might explode

Lemoncake · May 15, 2019, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Internal test tomorrow- that i'm just going to do in the morning now. I've written everything down already though.

Not fighting with you two sessions in a row is weird. I actually like having our ruptures because this feels uncomfortable and unsafe. Maybe tomorrow might be session number three- and after 2.5 years I might talk about the stuff I didn't budge on last session- but my one request is that you cover your eyes, like I've trained you to do.

P.s 13 days till pharma and my brain is waking up early at odd hours with anxiety right from the word go.

I passed internal joint last in my group.

But on second thoughts don't want to make you rusty.

Lemoncake · May 15, 2019, 07:08 AM

We said 12.50am. Thanks for no showing.

SlumberKitty · May 15, 2019, 11:21 AM

Dear T:

Possible trigger:

I'm really close to SH-ing. I'm trying not to, but I'm really close.

Can I hang on til Saturday? Will you help me then? Kit

May 15, 2019, 02:42 PM

Dang it L that snake dream is totally staying with me and making me want to call you for a one-off session to work on it. I'm still on leave so it would be easy to schedule but I'm a little concerned that if I came back once I'd want more... maybe I'm just thinking about you more cuz I'm so bored laying around healing from surgery and stuff.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

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