Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I'm going to waste this whole last week off work by endlessly vaccillating between calling you or not, aren't I. I so suck.

1 year ago today I saw you for the very last time. How I wish I handled things differently.

One too many cigarettes slowly burning down
And the final cup of coffee was cold and full of grounds
Maybe one last pipeful might send the words around...

Still, underneath my hands
This night has slipped away
It leaves me as empty as this page

One more candle flickers out
The night is turning grey,
And I just can't watch the dying flame
I have to walk away

So tonight, I have burned all my candles
Leaving only ashes in their wake
And at times I get so hard to handle
Simple songs leave me behind, they all have taken wing
And I'm left alone to hear the song a lonely candle sings

Stan Rogers -

That's beautiful and haunting Lost...HUGS Kit

I know you want me to sit in the chair, but that would make me feel less close to you, even if it was physically closer. It feels too formal.
But maybe I won't sit quite so far away on the floor. I need closeness today.
I wish I could sit against you, put my head in your lap, but somehow I doubt you'd allow that.

Dear T: How am I going to explain the difference to you between what I call an episode and what I call a cycle? Will you understand? Kit

Well, you tried
You completely missed the mark
But it's the spirit that counts

Dear Old T,

I lied to you about something and now I'm paying the price. I guess I can be honest about it with current t but I'm scared to face this. I only lied for my own protection.


-Butterfly

okay fine you at least said the right thing eventually about this being not logical or rational and it being scary
I did kind of have to guide you there, but whatever. Thank you.

I wanted to say yes to increasing sessions for the next few weeks, but I really don't think I could make that work time wise. Taking part of the afternoon off two times a week is already a lot. I wish you worked weekends...

I guess I was kind of stupidly hoping you'd text me or something at the end of the day. Are you just going to put me out of your mind until Friday? "oh, good, you're still alive"

I wish I knew if I was allowed to have anything more than this right now. It wouldn't even have to be forever. I wouldn't expect it to be. Just until I get the treatment. Can I please just send you one text? Can I ask you for reassurance that you care, a text that will be there every time I need to check to reassure myself?
Remember back in the summer/fall near the end of the IOP and when there was the private practice insurance stuff and I wasn't seeing you and you would call me about updates on the insurance and scheduling stuff? You'd ask how I was doing and it sounded like you cared. I'd never admit this, but there were a few times it was late in the evening, I assume after your last session, and you ended the call with "goodnight" and it felt weirdly intimate and comforting.
I really really want that right now.

T. I always tell you I am okay, I am okay, we are okay. I always tell you don't worry, it doesn't matter, we don't matter, no REALLY, it doesn't, we don't, nothing matters because we are always okay, no matter what, at the heart of things we know that we are always and will always be "okay".
But ARE we okay?
Yesterday work was so hard, so awful, so traumatizing, so overwhelming. We came straight home from work, straight to the bedroom, pulled everything closed and dark and stayed there, not wanting light or life or anything, just wanting nothing, wanting everything to stop existing.
There were hours of just. trying. to. breathe. and whimpers and silent sobs and hitting and tossing and turning and punishing and switching and wailing and SHing and SUIing and so very much distress. Hours and hours of hurting and darkness.

And then it was morning. We got up and got dressed and went back to work to do it all again.

Is that "okay"?

ARE we "okay"?

Dear T: That was interesting. Asking you for an extra appointment this week before I've even seen you once. Have I ever done that? I don't think so, and I don't really know what it means, except that I felt some urgency in something that seemed like a reaction (and was) instead of a response; I was wound up in a way I haven't been for awhile and it seemed like I wanted to just control this thing and fix it for good.

Now I know that some things cannot be fixed for good and there are some things I just have to live with and even these things cannot ruin me or ruin my life or ruin my budding new love. But I don't know where that line is between what needs more work and what needs to just be acknowledged that this is my scare, this is what it looks like, it doesn't much hurt anymore but here it is.

Oh man, stress

Dear Ex-therapist -

We’ve past the one year termination mark. A year seems to be the magic timeframe for moving on. I don’t feel a connection to you anymore and the anger is fading. When I was in therapy with you, I was envious of all the unattached ‘normal people’ who didn’t feel like they needed to be tethered to a therapist 24-7. I’m finally living in the moment and out of the waiting and longing pattern!

You would never be the type to give me the satisfaction of being happy for me about this, but I’m happy for myself and I dont care what you think anymore. It feels wonderful!

I said I wouldn't email, but It didn't feel right to just no show on friday .

You're good, and helpful, and understanding, and I'm very grateful for you. I'm also a bit relieved that my attachment towards you has felt so much more secure over the last few weeks. I don't miss missing you constantly and so painfully.

Dear T: I failed. And I'm having trouble getting out of the cycle I'm in. Can you help me? Kit

I can’t believe my mind is running through the option of no-showing tomorrow. Again. Our session today went fine so I don’t understand. Could it be about wanting to be in control?

EDIT: Ok, I worked through that on my own and I’ll be there bright and early tomorrow.

Butterfly, stay strong.

T,
I feel anxious to see you just wish I didn't have to wait another week. But at least I'm going on vacation.

Thank you puzz. Enjoy your vacation.

T who isn't my T,
Thank you for the hug and thank you for not letting go
I wish you'd asked me before I put my jacket on. It would have seemed weird to take it off, but I think I might have been able to appreciate the hug a bit more if it wasn't through CE level 2 armor.
I hope that's not going to be the last hug I ever get from you, so there's time.

Thank you.

Get well soon <3

I miss you so much. Please let me come back in the future.

Dear T,
Nervous about today's session. Need to figure out which direction to take and not get hung up on, say, the thing about reducing sessions. I mean, I know what direction I want to take, but I'm nervous about it, so am afraid I'll just start talking about something else, then not get to the real thing till 1, when we only have 20-25 minutes left. And then I won't see you again till Tuesday, unless you decided to come in Monday. So I don't want to leave it all up in the air. Though that's part of why I sent the email, as I know you'd likely prompt me with "So do you want to talk about the thing you alluded to in your email?" It makes sense to discuss now, as it came out of Monday's session. Maybe I can get all my rambling out in this post...
Love,
LT
ETA: And I'd probably feel better about all this if ex-MC hadn't shown up in my dream last night. Sigh.

Thanks. It was nice to talk today like 2 regular human beings without all the extra crap that I sometimes seem to bring to our sessions. It was helpful and it felt good.