Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Dear T,
Whatever is going on with h is his own stuff. I definitely was hallucinating the other day. I do feel better, though. I also have been majorly attached to you. And yet unable to be comforted by you because of my fears.

I don't want to be this way, it scares me majorly I was surprised when I didn't go to the doctor, too. "Too much money". I have majorly been "stuck". I Hope to move forward or will at least try to do so.

I really don't want to bother you. Tomorrow I am going to the library to see something interesting to read I went to the beach. I can't control what h does. Nor am I going to try to do so. I need to work on me. I have also looked at different groups we taked about.

me

I am just reading your new supervisor's book. Seems they don't think therapeutic touch is a good idea? I wonder how that goes down when you talk about your work with me?

46 days till you go away on holiday.

Emails for today:

Email 1 at 9.28am :

Email 2 at 5.22pm :

Unbelievably, I'm facing even more upheaval at work. One of my colleagues is now definitely leaving, alongside the very real possibility of the person I previously mentioned leaving.


Clearly safety is something that needs to emerge from me, but I don't even know how to start that process.

I am lost and alone

I hate you people you pull us in **** with our heads and then when it gets hard you kick us off, every single time.

Despite my efforts to think of my mental illness like a medical issue, I still can't help feeling as though my depression/anxiety is a moral failure.

I'm thinking about it.

Dear T,

I hate that I feel as though you are the only person who will listen to me. Sometimes I just want to be heard and acknowledged in my real life. It sucks that the only one willing to listen is someone I have to pay to do it. I am counting down the days until I finally get a voice again.

I can't remember what I did today. I lost my purse. I don't know where I went so I could go back and backtrack to find it. My H got angry and was yelling at me because I was stressed because I lost my purse. My D is worried and I am worried about her. I am sick of behaving the way I have been behaving, it is as if it comes and goes. : I had no choice to leave work. I was stressed and paranoid and it wouldn't stop. So I quit. My behavior is exploding and I am ashamed. I don't know who I have become. I am really trying and really failing miserably. I didn't quit because I was lazy, I quit because of my mental illness. I was hoping I could have a somewhat regular life. But now, my H has no patience for me when I forget things, etc. I will not write frantically to my T anymore, as long as I remember this. I have definitely regressed and I have no idea how to get better. I have a few of the most shameful things, borderline personality disorder and regression. I can't say that I have been any lower than this point. I am someone that I hate. And I can't change it. I can't be who and what other people want me to be, including me. I don't see anything in my future. I have felt like a good person because of my therapist and daughter. And sometimes long ago my H. I have always wanted to live a life where I help people and make the world a better place, but I have social anxiety and borderline personaity, so I've given as much as I can. I don't see a happy ending to this story. We shalll see.

Happy Father's Day

Happy fathers day. I would like to say that to you via email, but it ended up causing a major rupture last year, so I will just sit here and feel a bit sad about that instead.

Grateful that I see you tomorrow. Can we get that important conversation out of the way first...please?

Dear T,
I know my "thanks for today's session, I'm doing better now and I think I'll be OK till Monday" email Friday wasn't one that may have seemed like it needed a reply. And it's the weekend. But I guess I thought you'd at least say "Glad it helped" or something. Like that's all I would have wanted, a few words in reply. But maybe you don't want to encourage me to send those types of emails? You just seemed worried about me when I left still upset, and I kind of wanted to put your mind at ease. Which maybe I did, you just don't have to acknowledge it. If you don't reply before session Monday, I won't say anything, because, it didn't really need a reply. It just would have been nice. But it's not worth using my time to discuss it or risking some sort of conflict. Because it's really not that big of a deal. Which is why I'm typing this here instead of saying it to you. Just getting the thoughts out of my head.

Happy Father's Day!
Love,
LT

I wish I could text you or hold you or make you laugh today. I know you miss your dad and you will be in my thoughts all day. I miss you like crazy. Therapy is like a pointless waste of time without you

This might be the first vacation you’ve taken where I don’t feel angry or like quitting. I do feel a little bummed about not seeing you this week though and I feel a bit embarrassed and selfish about feeling that way.

I don’t miss my father and we weren’t particularly close, but I still cringe inside just a little when I see all the Father’s Day stuff on social media. I think it just makes me a teensy bit sad for what I never had.

I want to come back.
I want to come back.
I want to come back.
I want to come back.



I haven't emailed you an almost father's day message this year but I think the main thing you've taught me was that I didn't have to be nice or better than I really was.

I am so crazy. I am going to take a nap because I can't do much of anything and then plan a trip to the hospital. I dread it due to social anxiety. I am horrified because I have lost my purse, my ID, everything. I am so frantic and at the same time I desperately need to sleep and at the same time I can't sleep. If I don't do something soon, I might never come back from insanity. My family doesn't yet know this. Frantic doesn't begin to describe it. My H wants me to be fine, but I'm not. He cleaned my room today because I can't do anything. I am so lost. I am not myself. This is just excruciatingly devastating to me. I can't just be who I am. Because I have all of these mental illnesses taking hold.

Stupidly, one thing that would help if I could find my purse. It has my drivers license, credit cards that I should be cancelling,, I have to go to DMV which I have zero tolerance for. I really wish I could find this so the pressure/stress would be relieved.

I am so broken.

I am thinking about it.

I have also been thinking a lot about that ego stuff you were telling me about. Am still not quite understanding but that's ok.

I think my book should come tomorrow, so I will be spending some time reading that too.

t,

i’m so confused. really, really confused.

me

Thanks for returning my emails and being so accepting of my father's day wishes to you. i had a hard time with the holiday and also being jealous but am happy you had a good weekend with your children.

ExT I can't get into contact with my parts I can't even feel them when I go in deeper it's like a empty hall in my head and terribly lonely. I wish you could do something but you won't. Your the only T that does parts work.

I'm teetering on the edge of depression again. This sucks. I wish you could make it go away.