Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Thank you for being open to what I needed today.

Grumble grumble stupid feelings grumble I hate that I am excited about seeing you later today.

eta: and I'm not even going to bother trying to pretend that I'm not. You'd see right through it anyway haha

Dear T,
You had some really good insights today. Clearly you've been paying attention. Need to think on some of that stuff about my dad more for sure. And I felt really validated about some other things. Thanks for the clarification about yelling at kids.

I wish you weren't going away in a few weeks. I know it's just a week, so I feel ridiculous for stressing about it, but when I'm used to seeing you twice a week, it's hard...I imagine you'll allow email--I want to ask you that now, but it's not for a couple weeks, so...
Love,
LT

Three apologies from you: at least you acknowledged the mess. Every time I think we have hit an all time low, you surprise me with something even more careless. Are you like this with all your clients or do I bring out the worst in you? And if you are like this with all your clients, how on earth do you maintain any kind of client base, given that few people are as emotionally retarded as I am? Oh that's right, you don't really have a client base because few people are as emotionally retarded as I am.

I really wish I could email you. What I said near the end that really caught me off guard. What if anything did it mean. Was it wording I used without thought or did it mean something. I have been winning this through my head but I truly dont know what the meaning could be. You seem to have though it had meaning.

Thank you for being so understanding and compassionate with all the talk about T. It feels weird to talk a lot about her with you. Thank you for telling me repeatedly that T was always welcome in the room.

I hate you.

I'll be there in 2 hrs. I hope I can stop this stupid grinning before I get there. I am such a huge dork.

I wish I could make you feel bad. I feel powerless. And that makes me feel worthless. So that makes me hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Dear T,
OK, now I'm a mess. Wish I could talk to you. Wish you allowed phone calls. Or even texts. Sent email, but you might possibly see and and possibly reply tonight, but otherwise tomorrow morning.

Love,
LT

I am still struggling to get my head around never being able to see you again.

Had this stupid delusion that maybe you'd reply tonight, like you have a few times in the past. Hopefully tomorrow morning, though I almost want to email and just be like "never mind." Then another part of me wants to see if you have any availability tomorrow. You likely don't, but part of me wants you to offer? Ugh, I'm so annoying...

Thank you. Times about a million zillion.

I miss you I miss you I miss you.

I am still disappointed that I won't see you tomorrow. That you dropped our Friday sessions. I'm glad we talked about my fear that this is your way of getting rid of me, and you tried to assure me that doing something like that would be deceitful. I think you were trying to get me to ask why you dropped Fridays when you asked me if I don't feel like I can ask you why you did so. I wish you would just tell me why so I could stop taking it so personal.

And oh yeah I ordered that book we talked about.

M.

Where did those tears come from?

They feel like gaslit fake tears.

Were they real?

I don’t know.

I can’t find them now and I wish I could.

Numb.

This sucks!

I flushed her stupid teeth.

I’m good and I will journal.

Night.

Trail

On Wednesday I said "I love you" and you said "And I love you". You have never replied to me like that before. It just melts my heart. You know that.

t3, I wasn't planning to ever see you again but I needed someone to talk to and well baby T was busy. Anyway, you were actually pretty decent yesterday. A lot of things made me think when I left and I appreciate so much you remaining emotionally distant with me, making it a breeze for me to do the same. I am so much less anxious without attachment in therapy.

Wish you were covered in my insurance, I might consider you regularly, short term.

No brown envelope. Frustration increasing.

Treble Clef,

I'm sad today.

-Butterfly

I miss you. One thing that the last couple of intense sessions has done is reintensified the transference. All kinds of transference. Sigh. And you are away now till the 26th. Urgh.

Dear T,
Thanks for that. Was it just my imagination, or did you seem particularly affected by a few of the things I said? You just seemed really invested in me today. Wish we could have had an extra 20 minutes or something. But I'll be OK.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Getting back into the groove of this therapy thing is going to be hard. I miss you already and wish I could come more than once a week right now.

The Critic's being a ****...you would have said if anything felt off about last session, right?

I'm backsliding and my anxiety/depression (& anger) is getting worse again. I regret trying to taper off antidepressants and maybe I should just keep using them as usual. But at the same time, I feel like I'm using the meds as a crutch.