Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

No reply to fridays after session email either. I guess you will only figure out that I'm hurt by you if I don't show up on thursday.

exam on friday and my mind is already lost.

Therapy just makes me feel inadequate about therapy.

Feeling like a failure because I can't cope with the exhaustion of putting on a full scale production of the therapy freak show entitled "lost" and the usual living a life I don't want to live drama.

I pushed my derm exam back by 4 days, which had a knock on effect on my second exam so had to change neurology too. then because i changed neuro i had to change radiology.

I'm stuck in exam mode until august, it's not like i have anywhere else to be though or a home to go back to.

Hey Art, have you ever tried seeing her without therepizing as a focus? As much as it seemed like a waste. I think it was helpful for me.

Thanks, she did say one time that she'd be open to like coaching or something. May ask more about that.

I don't know where to put all the anger it just erupts at stupid times like at traffic lights or in the middle of the supermarket. I feel I can't go out because I am still angry at you but it is becoming infrequent so....

Treble Clef,

I have agreed to go with my mom tomorrow to an open house at a group home because she is so set on me living in one. I'm hoping to use this as an opportunity to create a dialogue with her and my father about my future living arrangements. I should probably ask you what you think I should do once I get too old to live with my parents. I don't want to grow up, I want to be a Toys R Us kid again.

-Butterfly

I'm feeling lonely again. I wish I could open up to someone other than you. A safe space that's only 50min in length per week or even every few weeks, just isn't enough.

oh t,

i absolutely love it when you laugh that real big laugh in session. it makes me feel closer to you in some weird way. looking forward to our next session...

me

ps - it was quite cute when you got flustered today and reprimanded me for not letting you finish your thought.

T, I took a big risk with you. Praying, praying, praying it will work out.

Dear T,

Please be nice tomorrow. I really hope you haven't changed and that we still get along ok. I have missed you but I am terrified to see you again....

T, I am so terrified I can’t read your text back. How will I get up the guts to look at it??

I am really starting to think that you were behaving differently and now you have gone back. Maybe it was all in my head. I don't know. Seems like you are much more accepting and open. Maybe you really just forgot that the part that needs the most help/support isn't the adult. I kind of wish I knew.

ExT I don't care anymore I want to be known as the client from hell, the client who wouldn't give up, the client who wouldn't let go....

One the other hand if your family issues are so bad that you need to give up clinical work I feel kinda bad I am so conflicted.

I read the text, and it was confusing, so I asked for clarification. I am so pushing my luck. You’re probably going to be so annoyed at me and maybe run away from me. Why did I do it?? Yet not knowing about this was too painful for me...

I've already emailed saying I didn't want the session tomorrow, so please don't wait for me.

Hope you didn't mind that 4th useless email this morning. Hopefully I made it funny enough for you to at least crack a smile. I don't know how or why you put up with me.

isitthursdayyet?

I can't wait to see you but am nervous at the same time. Dumb, I know. I mean it's just lil ol you.

Dear T,

Thank you for today. Thanks for being so wonderful and for not changing during the 5 week break. That was torture. DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. LOLOLOL.

New T

Please be able to help me. Please be able to see me 2x a month.

I love you I hate you I want everything and I want nothing

Thank you for asking P to handle your business affairs. As hard as this week has been he has helped me immensely. He has helped me deal with this horrible anniversary. I wish he and I could help the pain go away for each other. He loved you as a partner and I loved you as a therapist and person. I don't know if our relationship is appropriate but it seems to help us both.

ExT I feel simultaneously like a small bewilderedchild and a jilted lover also now I can't see you or communicate with you I suddenly want to tell you everything