Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

OK, I wasn't thinking Roman numerals at first, and was thinking this was the "extra-large Dear T thread"... (thanks for creating)

I never knew 40 was XL!

Oh, I most definitely have extra big things to tell my t!

I hope you had a nice holiday with your family.

I don't care what you say! I'll do whatever I want! You can't control me!

I have a pic of myself taken today in which I look as completely relaxed and happy as I currently feel. I think I may have to email it to you as a follow up to my phone call the other day.
eta: i did. i hope it's ok.

Dear R,

Sooooooo thank you for responding to yesterdays email within 50 mins after I sent it.

I'm feeling relatively okay.

See you on thursday.

We don't have an appointment set up yet, but I have notes, so I am feeling calmer.

See you Thursday, I hope.

I have had a couple of dreams last night and the night before that I think i'd like your input on. I suppose I should have expected that after calling you last week... maybe I should call again and schedule a one off session to do so. I don't know though if I should. Ugh. I'm still not interested in coming back to therapy but you did tell me more than once that I could call if I wanted to work on a dream....

**** you! I hate you! You're full of ****!

Dear T,
Do I tell you my fears about your charging me less? Like if I mention going out to dinner, are you going to be thinking "she could afford to pay me my whole rate!" But the idea is more that I don't want to spend all my extra money on therapy. I want to still be able to go to yoga, go on date nights with H, take Claire to dinner. I'm pretty sure you'd understand that, too. And you wouldn't want me spending whatever money I have beyond necessary expenses on therapy. You want me to have a full life. Maybe I need to mention the fears anyway? I dunno--I'll just see how it goes today.
Love,
LT

I am going to try to talk today. Please let it be safe, let me be able to see the love, caring, support, and compassion from you.

And please be nice T.

I don’t know what to do.

Thank you for your warm response to the photo I sent. I did work very hard to get here, didn't I? But you helped and I hope you realize just how much I appreciate my time with you. You always say "all I did was show up, you did the heavy lifting" but.... rest assured I wouldn't have done without the healing that happened inside our relationship.

I just realized something.

I want to feel "held," but I also avoid eye contact or anything else that might give me that feeling because I feel like it wouldn't be fair of me to put you in that position. You shouldn't have to share such an emotionally intense and intimate moment with someone so pathetic and disgusting and bad.
It's like it would feel like a violation of you in some way?
On some level I guess I feel like you would be averse to the idea and it would be taking advantage of the fact that you feel ethically obligated to be warm and supportive towards me so you'd share that moment with me even if you didn't want to.
I'm too disgusting. I have no right to ask that if anyone.
I feel dirty for wanting it.
(I think you finally understand that I really don't mean anything romantic or sexual when I use that word.)

You make me cry (in a good way!). I'll see you tomorrow.

Ironically enough, I saw Jenga on sale today.
First time ever...I didn't buy it.
There's no need to make the metaphor more concrete
There are more pieces to pick up
Before we pick up tiny wooden blocks.

I wish you would confirm our appt for tomorrow. I know you usually do closer to midnight, but I want to hear from you now. I also want to know what you thought of my email. Why are you making me wait until tomorrow???

I am not finished. i am not finished.

T thank you for trying everything I had the courage to ask for. Thank you for having the courage to bring up and option that might scare me... I LOVE the idea of the part you thought would scare me, feeling kinda eh on the rest of it. Thank you for knowing it isn’t you and believing me when I say I am safe with you... as safe as I have ever felt anyway. Thank you for holding my hand even if you did make me ask.
Most of all thank you for seeing the pain when I talked about the emails. Thank you for not judging and letting me know they have value to our work... but most of all thank you for seeing, and not saying anything, about the pain.

Dear T,
I felt cared for by you today. Maybe even...loved? Just the way you were talking and looking at me when talking about how you didn't want finances to dictate my therapy...that you wouldn't want me to feel I had to stop seeing you twice weekly before I was ready. Like if I felt I had to stop after 6 months (when I'd only meant 3 by "a few"), that you were concerned about how that could affect me...and that's all apparently more important than some money to you. I mean, obviously you wouldn't see me for nothing. But maybe in some way this is what I needed to really have it click how much you care. That you will still treat me the same even if I'm putting a bit less money on my credit card. And that I need to just accept that you say it's OK.

Love,
LT

Hey, I miss you.
And I need your help again... Help me be my best self tomorrow, please? Help me do a good job.
I've been afraid that the only reason I did well previously was because of you. I'm afraid that without you I'm just a failure. Please, PLEASE show me that I can do this on my own.
I love you. Don't think I've forgotten you. I haven't.

I am really struggling today. Wish so bad you could talk to me, say something so dumb you know I'd laugh at or I'd be happy with a hug.

I'm feeling hopeless but hopefully one of the other T's can help me fix my life, in case I ever see you again, so I can be better. Miss you, every single day