Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I secretly like it when I say you don't have to reply and you do. That "well done S" really does mean a lot to me.

Well, I ****ed that up.

I’m excited to see you on Monday. I have something for you before you go away.

I wish I could email you. I email you a lot but can never send them. You know how painful the month of may is. Last year it got even harder when you left.

How do I do this? How do I say goodbye? I see you and I don't ever say the words I want and need to say. I love you. I miss you. But I can't say those things because I don't even know what they mean. And I'm so tired of not saying the words.

I know I can't have what I want from you. I want you to hold me close, to stroke my hair, to tell me you love me. I know that what I really want is someone IRL to do those things for me, but I don't know how to find that.

What do I do when my kids are grown? They're already growing away. When it's just me. I just don't feel like I have it in me to find anyone else. I don't have it in me to let anyone else come close. So I use you as a poor substitute for intimacy and care because you're there. And you're kind. And patient. And of course it's just so much easier.

Except that it's not. Because I don't get to have you. So how do I leave? How do I say goodbye? This hurts so, so much.

I hate everything! I want all the sessions for myself! I don't want C to see you anymore!

This neediness and pathetic longing disgusts me.
I can't help but think that you must still not truly understand the extent of it.
You must still be thinking it's some normal acceptable degree, not like this.
I can't help but think that if you really understood then you'd agree

You want me to imagine what you'd say, but my brain is cruel. I'm just imagining you telling me you understand and agree.

I have it in writing that you don't need me to hold it together.

I'm feeling intense anger, and all I can do at the moment is breathe through it.


Come Thursday, I will probably deny its existence.

Help?

T. I am sorry for what happened last time. It wasn't you - it was me?
I wonder how you experienced it.

I wonder what you think.

Who do you believe?

Can you see inside us?

They want us not to come anymore,. They say "Enough."

But E knows this is it. This is her only shot of a semi-normal life. She can't walk away, although God knows she wants to.

Can you see inside? I think you can. I think you know.

And that is horrific. We are horrific.

OK, I reached out. This is not a bad thing...right?

Feeling huge amounts of resistance towards you.

T, I’m nervous about that email I sent you... please come through for me in your response. Please don’t hurt me.

Yikes, I realize tomorrow will be a tough day. I hate it when I think I'm "over" something and then it resurfaces, requiring my attention. Five years is a long time. Last year the anniversary passed me by several days before I realized it. It's not really fair that this is happening now, and not really fair that you just randomly decided you were leaving this week.

I am dreading Tuesday. I want to be seen and yet I want to avoid and look away. I don't feel like crying right now. It makes the person in the mirror feel and look uglier than she already appears...

You are such a horror, why do I feel this wretched attachment to you? I suppose I excel at addiction and you are a delicious toxin.

Vacation over - I don't know what I am feeling all the way around. There's no negative feelings going on.

I am not sure what I am thinking/feeling towards us - the relationship, transference, rupture, and therapy in general. I want you to be mommy. You sort of feel like mommy at times. Most the time it is confusing and I don't understand it. I don't have direct words to describe what it feels like. Right now it doesn't even seem like splitting, it's pea soup confusing, like all the layers of the relationship and transference between us and all the layers of my inner-world/psyche are in bits and pieces and mixed up together. yeah, that's what it feels like - well blended and thick. There might be some globs of cohesion, no really chunks. Definitely, not like a stew or broth based soup where there's distinction between chunks and liquid. Yay, I found words. Now then, does that even make sense and what does it mean in terms of my mental health and this process?

Oh, and should I tell you that I've been playing with my antidepressants again? Right now, I think I'm kind of feeling what my non-depressed self feels like. Maybe I should stay at this level of antidepressants for a while longer? I know I increased the dose so that vacation would be better.

We also need to talk about welcomed, wanted, accepted, allowed, tolerated. I want to be wanted, not just welcomed, accepted, allowed, or tolerated. What do I need from you to feel wanted, for the young parts to feel wanted. You once said that it is ok if a part of me always sees you as mommy, when I finally went there - it didn't feel like you wanted it, it felt like you tolerated, allowed, and accepted it as part of your job. Is that how you feel? Is it that I need something else from you to feel what you really feel/believe? Is it what I really feel? How do I know the difference, and how do we talk about it?

It's been a long time since I've had a day like this. It hurts.

And I really don't want to go to this thing tonight, but I'm committed. I suppose I didn't want to go out last night either, but that turned out ok.

I'm just gonna spam you here for the moment. Definitely not contacting you this week. Unless I decide to quit, which I should probably tell you about.

I'm trying to write you a letter, but the words aren't coming. I just want to express how grateful I am for our relationship...how do I say that??

Well, that didn’t go well at all. I’m not surprised. Things haven’t been lately. I think we are broken. And now you’re not answering and have disappeared – as you always do whenever we have conflict. I’m not surprised. I’m used to people disappointing me and breaking my heart. What I need never seems to matter. Why did I think you would be any different. What a fool I was. I think it’s me. Something about me that poisons every relationship. No matter how hard I try. You couldn’t be any more different from my old therapist than you are – so it must be me.

This would be mynsession time! AAARRGGHHH!!!

I will try to stop the texts now. I think I am all angrier out

So, what do we do? This isn’t good at all. Not at all.

Dear Old T,

I hate you right now.

-Butterfly

Dear New T,

I'm scared I'll hate you like old T.

-Butterfly