Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I don’t know if I want to do this any more. I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m not sure I ever will.

yeah, wasn't really ok, if that matters.

During our session, you held my feelings I shared in both hands with gentleness and kindness. Your hug felt really good. I still can't believe I let my tears fall, but I don't feel ashamed.

Thank you for responding to my text message. I am trying hard not to act out. I just feel like I'm going to burst.

ExT I have googled you so extensively and there are questions I want answered from my snooping but will never know now

I want you to be able to make everything better
Alternatively, I want to quit

If a professional conversation over boundaries can be that triggering, it just shows that I haven't done my work yet, right?

Dream-L that was so clever. Ha.

Yeah maybe I do want to see you. But I don't want more therapy. Seeing you in dreams will have to suffice.

Dear T,
Interesting discussion today. You gave me a lot to think about. Your wearing your glasses today threw me off a bit—I feel weird mentioning that though. I appreciated the “take care of yourself” at the end.
Love,
LT

T thank you for taking it slow. But do we really have to work on grounding...... That is a topic I hate.

You popped up on my social media timeline today (like a professional thing about you) it was nice to unexpectedly see your face. Love you.

I'd really like a hug.

I feel in love with you again. Telling you about it has only made it worse.

Dear T (Treble Clef),

Decided I will be referring to you as Treble Clef on here since you like music. It's good I like you enough to give you a nickname.

-Butterfly

T,
**** you
(I'm sorry please still care about me)

pdoc,
**** you
(No, seriously, go **** yourself)

ExT were you or weren't you?

So u really think I have autism,

I mean I trust you . I know you're a psychologist and have years of research under ur belt

But I dont feel like its gonna change anything for me

I'm not gonna go around telling people I am autistic

Just like I dont go around telling ppl I have severe PTSD and psychosis

I wish you cared enough to check in with me.
I'm not going to, but part of me wants to be like ten minutes late on Monday just so you have time to start worrying that I might have actually done it.

I'm sorry for storming out. But I've told you before that it's unhelpful and frustrating when you try to frame it as my thinking. And I just told you about pdoc trying to blame caffeine or nicotine or sleep or anything other than the stupid ****ing lamictal.

I don't need problem solving to change my thinking. If the med that worked last time arrives and I use it and it doesn't help then we can talk problem solving and changing thinking. But for right now I would just like to feel cared about and safe for 50 minutes while I wait for my package to arrive.
Meds aren't the solution to everything, but this was a problem created by a med, and has been solved in the past with a med. And believing that the thing in the mail on its way to me will take away this feeling is part of what's keeping me going. I'm reminding myself that once I use it I won't feel this way anymore, it's only temporary, it will pass, I just need to hang in there.
And it also felt like you were blaming me and saying this was my own fault. That I'm just not trying hard enough or don't want to get better.
I hope you're at least a little bit worried.

I am a frigging idiot. I reached out, told you what we need to talk about on Thursday, but didn't ask about the other thing. Now I actually have to open my mouth and ask, which is going to feel much harder.

I'm just so tired I feel like I could cry.

Exam on the 6th.

Half way through a three week break. I lied when I said I thought I would miss you. I haven't missed you. Actually, I don't think either of us believed me when I said that I would. I mean, I have been drinking every day, avoiding all social contact, oh and I didn't turn up for that interview, I have snarled my way through every day with my partner, I feel murderous towards men who sit next to me on the bus, and I want to dump the cat at the shelter, but other than that I haven't noticed our lack of stabilising contact at all.

... And your most recent post on Facebook has made me rage so much that I want to dump you at the shelter too!!

Sending hugs Lemoncake. You are amazing and stronger than you know.

T why grounding.... Why not the root of the problem? Oh ya because I go inside when I do something hard. Maybe your right. But I hate grounding