Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

There are times I leave thinking you hate me, and then there are times I leave with this sense of euphoria that keeps me satisfied until I see you again. It's exhausting.

Listening to you was stupid
The one time I actually basically ask to be hospitalized and say I can't keep myself safe is the one time they don't think hospitalization is the best option.

I hope you're happy.
I wish they'd call you. They're calling pdoc but not you...

Oh, T. Please, please, please answer my email. I put all of myself into it. I feel so vulnerable. Somehow I think if you don’t answer, I’ll be terribly hurt. And I won’t be able to tell you...

Love me!

8am exam tomorrow.

Ugh thats like the middle of the nite my time. Even without the time difference!

I wish the appointments were closer together.

Hopefully the fact that I didn't tell you that I was responding to your scheduling text from the ER this morning and I'm waiting until our session tomorrow to mention any of this will show you that I feel guilty for letting myself text you about a non scheduling thing Monday. I think in a way I'm punishing myself. Not letting myself reach out in any way. Reminding myself of my place. I'm not allowed to ask you to care outside my two hours a week. I don't get your time.

I miss you. I wish I'd asked for a photo. Did you find the extra message in the frame of the drawing yet?

I miss you!!!

I'm glad you're letting me call you after your last session, but I wish you'd offered to make an exception to your usual hours and have an actual session. I know I'll see you tomorrow, but...
I still have some crazy hope I can convince you to call pdoc and convince him to prescribe me that med. Just a couple doses. Intranasal. I don't understand why he won't. This whole thing is his fault in the first place.

Honestly I didn't expect you to go for that. Idk if you can convince pdoc but hopefully it will mean something coming from you? Though he might just resent that you're getting involved.
I really wish I could listen to that phone convo.

Thank you for talking to me. That was a pretty long phone call. You were able to be what I really needed right now. Thank you for caring.

P.S. I'm going to sit in the chair tomorrow instead of on the floor, but don't get used to it.

The time I have to wait between this session and next session is so large this time :c
But at least I have the transitional object I received from you today. I'll hold it close.

I like the way you really listen without judging me.

Thank you for offering me safety today...when I eventually got around to asking for it.

I'm pissed at myself more than anything with your schedule change. You say it's okay to pissed at you, but more I'm pissed at myself for depending on someone other than myself, because I'm always let down. I should be thankful I see you more than once a week, so why cry over 4 days a week instead of 5. Not like we've been consistent with that since we added in another day. This just really sucks because I feel like I'm at the end of my rope even if I don't say it. It's stupid that you're my only support system.

Dear T,
Thanks for explaining more about the emails today. It helps to know how much thought you put into it, that you feel bad for my distress, and that you're trying to be mindful of not charging me for email so I don't stress about it. It helped to sort of see inside your head for a bit. And it's good to know you think I'm "interesting" (I know you meant it in a good way). What was up with that random advice request at the end though? I guess...you trust my judgment? I mean, it was an extremely low-stakes issue, just odd you asked me about it. (I promise not to put you on any nonprofit mailing lists.)
Love,
LT

T I miss you!!! In just a few days it will be 1 year...I still cant believe you are gone.

EmdrT do you expect me to reach out that day. I really dont want to on a Sunday but it would be nice to know it is okay if needed.

Treble Clef,



-Butterfly

I am sorry for being so messed up.

Just exhausted. Time to prep for dermatology now. (then neurology and radiology after that and I'm done) .

I really need to get back to gym, my anxiety has been so much worse.I stopped because I didn't want to pay for a full month when i wouldn't be here for a 1/3 of it. Back to the house today to drop my sister off then here again on sunday. It's stupid but all of this travelling is so tiring.

June just started and i'm already thinking about your august break. 4 weeks is a looong time. Not fighting is actually nice, but I want to slow therapy down.

Do you think less of me since I told you what he did to me? Does that count as abuse? It made me feel so demeaned. I wish we could talk again tomorrow. I'm not feeling very well. Hopefully we can talk Sunday.

I want to shut these feelings down hard core tonight. I almost don't want to come tomorrow because I want to avoid talking about this and all the "what do you think about the timing of x" or wanting me to express if I'm upset with you or not. I'm just upset at the situation, and hate that my Friday session is going to be gone. My Thursday session is in the morning and my Monday isn't until the evening so it's almost 4 days it feels like in between. God, good thing I don't drunk call anyone or you might have gotten a phone call tonight.

I rocked him. I told him, 'The flower you love is not in danger...I'll draw you a muzzle for your sheep...I'll draw you a fence for your flower...I' I didn't know what to say. How clumsy I felt! I didn't know how to reach him, where to find him.It's so mysterious, the land of tears.

Lemon that was rather lyrical, poetic... and made me have feels....