Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I'm feeling really shaky about your break and you haven't even gone yet. We have two more sessions. I'm not feeling well physically either which doesn't help. I want so much to text you today but I just don't know what to say. I know that you would reply to whatever I said but I just can't bring myself to to do it. Maybe I'm avoiding that connection because you'll be away soon and it just seems pointless. Maybe I'm resigning myself to coping alone and and so I don't want to give in. I wish I could send you a message even if its basically a load of nothing. Also T I've been drinking again, I know it's really bad, I know it won't help long-term but it really eases my anxiety. I hope I can connect with you when I see you and not shut down. If I shut down I dont know what i will do.

BTW I'm not going to tell you that I found a tree hugging group your in on facebook and was tempted to join it before I realized that you're actually one of the moderators there. You do weekly events at a pub- in all honestly I'd be tempted to come along just to see you.

What you said about self-worth on Thursday has just sunk in. I'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes.

That's the most disgusting email to date, isn't it? Ha! You must be sick to your stomach. I am.

You let me down.

I miss you but I hope you are safe and having a fun and relaxing time.

"Ungrateful. That's what you are and it sums you up".

3.5 mins into a phone call with my mother and him standing over her shoulder.

It actually doesn't even upset me anymore. I'm just lucky I've got you.

I read an online blurb about Mr Rogers and it reminded me of you.

Recognising my anger is possibly a good thing? I really don't know.

Dear T,
Miss you.

Love,
LT

I see her tomorrow and I hope she doesn’t bring up the whole eating disorder thing like she did last week. It just really angers me that mental health professionals think intentional weight loss automatically means you have an eating disorder or disordered thinking. I don’t have one and she even has my permission to talk to my mom and my mom can tell her I don’t have a problem.

I should have known. I never learn
I felt too content. Too good. I felt too loved by you

Thank u for putting me back in my place

And u can keep on having a great day!

Out of sight out of mind

When you said "Do you want to go back to 1 hour sessions next week?" you meant "I want to go back to 1 hour sessions" didn't you?

You have a similar look to this... haha

Procrastination pretty much sums up today. I have 8 days till radio now and It's just odd that I'm not freaking out like I normally do. Maybe it's just cause I only have 21 topics to go through or maybe that I've stopped caring since I already know that we're allowed to carry two subjects with us to 5th year so technically I'm already over that pass threshold.

My grandmother is also actually much better, which is a huge relief.

BTW there's a 80% chance that I will obviously come back after your break despite telling you otherwise.

BTW 2- I'm not doing Christmas presents this year, but for your birthday I found this chocolate company who does "ethical chocolate" with biodegradable outer and inner foil wrappings- cause you're into all that .

Me too Lemoncake.

Group hug in that case my Artie bean!

Last week, I couldn’t stop crying. So I called my people.
Monday, I went to a friend’s and cried for an hour, and she listened and patted me back together.
Wednesday was mediation and I listened and advocated and asked questions.
Thursday, I went out to dinner with friends and complained and problem-solved and worried and got good kind advice.
I thought, I don’t even need to go to therapy any more, really. Look at me using my resources.

Today on the flight home, I started imagining walking in the door at home and saying, “Let’s not do this. It’s too hard.” I don’t think I could admit to anyone else how serious I was. I don’t know if I can do this.

See you tomorrow.

I commented b4 you edited... Of course I was referring just to procrastinating in general...

Hehe I know!

Back to being annoyed at you for going away.

Now I'm angry at you and I don't care.

Go on your stupid holiday.Go for 6 months.Why not a year?

I just found out my friend at work died Friday night. I don't want to see you today because I cannot let you see me cry. I don't know what to do. Please don't say anything to make me cry. I will try to stay strong.

Remind me to tell you about the book i started reading. Looking forward to Thursday even if it's another intense session. Which it likely will be.

I want to act out and I don't know why.

But I won't. Not right now. At least, I won't tell you about it if I do and C won't tell, either, because it's not a good week for you. Probably. But I am going to try to not do bad stuff anyway, and C is trying, too.

I just feel really stressed and when that happens, the rebelliousness and defiance inside me expand and there's not enough room inside me. I feel like a pot that's about to boil over.