Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Also, that's why I kept saying dumb random stuff about how I don't care and I do whatever I want last session. I know those statements didn't make any sense and had no context. They just popped out of my mouth because I was so anxious about the whole housing thing we were talking about.

I'm not angry now just sad.

Why does seeing photos of you with your daughter hurt me so?

(I've seen your new whatsapp picture).

P.s I did also email asking for an earlier session but I don't think you'll have availability.

You're a dummy! I don't need therapy!

That was totally me sticking my tongue out at L last week.

"Save the Cheerleader Save the World"

Dear T,

I miss you.

maybe i started believing my own hype or something and that was part of the problem? identified too much with my sparkly work persona because of working so much overtime? i dunno.

It's almost 1pm here.

I guess I'm just disappointed more than anything else.

I can not reach you.

It doesn't help that you're leaving on friday.

Beginning to think that we need a code word. Struggling today.

Dear T: thanks for the good session last night. You rock. HUGS Kit

I thought I knew what I was doing and could keep myself safe but I guess I was wrong. Every time I feel overwhelmed by things now I want to see you and have you close and hear you reassure me. You’re my “father” and I want to have sex with you. Feels so messed up.

I hate feeling so needy, so broken, this level of vulnerability is so damn hard, and is probably why I'm eating so much and gaining weight back, maybe I'm trying to insulate and hide again? THIS SUCKS!!!!

T, I’m needy. There isn’t anything wrong I just feel little and want to be close. I know I am still decompressing. I am finding myself confused because all I want is proximity, to be near you, I don’t need your attention. But I can hear you telling me that you don’t agree, you think I need quality time with you where you see me and interact with me rather than just being in the room. We’ve never talked about this so I’m confused.

You people really are a bunch of morally bereft, condescending, jerkwad charlatans. I wonder how you live with yourselves.

I probably in all reality should have just stayed away. I know it was my summer class that brought stuff up again and if I'd just sat with the ****, the class would have ended anyway which it has now and I would have been fine. Why the hell did I come back and rip all of this open again?! Stupid, stupid Artie.

Dear Ex Therapist -

Every time I fight with a family member lately, my default is to blame myself. (If I could manage to fail at therapy, I must be truly broken and damaged.) Sometimes I can radically accept and be okay with the fact that I could be a bad person - other times the self-loathing is unbearable.

I can’t figure out how to get your ‘therapist voice’ out of my psyche. The voice that judges and dismisses and wounds. The voice that overrides all the positive words ever spoken to me. The voice that makes me feel small and dirty. Damaged doesn’t begin to describe what happened with you.

I want to move on, but how do I undo what you did without you? The only solution is keep working... alone.

I miss you and I don’t know why. Your face is fading from my memory and you’re not a person to me anymore. You’re pain and rejection.

You told me my feelings for you will change. It's been a year and that has yet to happen. You poor bastard.

Well you made me mad again on Monday and I really want to quit AGAIN !!!

I can't understand why everyone else loves and misses their T. You aggravate the crap out if me most of the time and I always dread going. I can't believe Thursday will be here again already and I will get that stupid text reminder today at 4.

And no I did not take my Seroquel again last night plus I drank last night. I don't want to hear you nagging me about it again tomorrow.

BTW..my boss today guessed that I had DID. At least she took it well like my last boss and is approaching it with curiosity.

And just when I think I’m done with you and with therapy, and feeling at peace with that possibility, we go and have an interesting session . . . . Sigh.

Why didn't you say no you can't come back? I am feeling that urge to run away again. Big time.

Dang it anyway, the storm outside stopped. I needed it to continue for awhile. Oh well.

Dear T,
I did another painting. I'll show you when I get back. The little kid part of me wants to email it to you. Just to say hi. But I won't. Tomorrow will be a week since I've had any contact with you. I think that will be the longest since Feb. 2018 (because I didn't even get close last vacation). I'm generally doing OK, though I do miss you. I hope you're having a good time whatever you're doing. R has been helpful, and I see her again tomorrow. Um, so, hi.
Love,
LT

I wish I could remember things you said that made me feel better instead of remembering all disagreements

It has been 17 weeks.

Less than a week to go....not that I'm counting... but I totally am.

I miss you.