Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I’m hurting so badly and I want to call you and hear your voice. I know you would take time out of your weekend for me. I feel bad though because there isn’t really anything you can do... it’s my son again...

Dearest T.

You've left me with so many gnawing questions, it makes my body ache just trying to run through them all. I don't know if your last minute revaluation was a form of self-soothing in giving me false hope, or a genuine hope for both of us. I wish we'd had time to go over it and be clear on the rules. There's a part of me that's kinda pi**ed with you for this, and another that loves you for it......no change there at least. Please get in touch, even if its just to say you didn't mean it.

You are nice and I sort of like parts of whatever is going on here, but I feel guilty about that and I can honestly tell myself that I definitely don’t need this, whatever it is.

Dear Ex Therapist -

I wish I wasn’t still so utterly heartbroken in how we left things. I expected an ending that was respectful and honored the work we did together - but I didn’t have it in me to be kinder and you couldn’t stick to the ‘non-judgment and unconditional positive regard’ part of the arrangement.

It’s not fair that I have to be the one to carry the humiliation and shame of therapy failure. You’ve never apologized for anything so I’d be fooling myself to think you feel any degree of remorse or guilt. I really hope that someday, you are vulnerable, raw and ashamed too and can finally understand how hard it was for me to do what I did.

You’ll find a letter in your mailbox on a Monday. I wrote out everything. If you have any integrity you won’t send it back unopened.

Time to take a break from thinking about therapy now.

Best,
PM

T, I lost it and I know emailing it to you won't do any good... so I’ll put it here.
Monday I wanted to ask if it would upset you if I sat over in the corner. I wanted to ask if I can ask for hugs any time or just at the end of sessions. Can I ask you to hold my hand or is that something you need to initiate? I wanted to ask you to bring your phone over so I could see the picture of your granddaughter standing on your lap again. I wanted to go back to the timeline and fill more in. I wanted you beside me, beside infant me but beside me where I can see your face not beside me beside me.
Now I have a part loosing her flipping mind that you almost got to infant me. I’m afraid I’m going to end up with us in the chairs again above everything, separated.... no connection until the hug at the end. I’m not in the mood for one of those sessions and you don’t have space for me to make it up. You are home two sessions and then gone again.
This sucks.

this is how I feel with my T as well, Artie. For what its worth, I don't think you are broken.

I started thinking about the artificiality of the therapist-client relationship again. Sometimes I just want to get on with life and ditch the baggage I've been carrying. I miss you far less when I'm with my friends/loved ones. I wish I didn't need therapy. I mean, the time when I won't need therapy will come, but I'm impatient.

L, somehow looking up at the stars tonight and Jupiter and his moons and stuff... I feel very small and a tiny bit less broken.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I do love you and I hope you know that.

I don't think I'll take your offer for the extra session.

My exam is 15 days away.

You go away in 13 days.

See you on thursday.

Less broken, but sad.

My dogs and rats are so cute.

Dear T: I wish I could call you just so you could talk to me and I could hear your voice. I messed up this weekend, and SH-ed and didn't go to the hospital to have it stitched--mostly because I was afraid I would have to take a psych eval and that I'd fail it. I wish I would have thought about calling you first, but honestly, I don't know how you would feel about that. Me calling you to tell you I want to hurt myself. I certainly wouldn't want you to overreact and think I was in crisis when I was just in a normal wanting to hurt myself state. I don't know how I am going to make it through until the 30th when I can see you again and talk to you about what happened. Please don't be upset. I don't think you'll be upset that I SH-ed but you might be upset that I didn't take care of it. And now the blasted thing hurts! It was the battery thing. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I had to try it. And now Please comfort me when you see me. Please don't blow it off like it's nothing. And please don't be all, I thought you were waiting until the 31st to SH. I know. I know. I was. I just, well, couldn't. Kit

“To forget a friend is sad. Not every one has had a friend. "

I think they were only best friends, that I ever really had and now there's oceans and oceans between us and we've become separate islands. It makes me so sad.

We're not anything- I pay you to listen and you will be there as long as I continue to do so.

And

24/66 topics done .

Not touched the scans or gone through the exam questions yet.

Exam 14 days away.

I really don't know who I'm holding it together for any more. This is ridiculous, and circular.

Dear T,
I know this was in the context of what felt different to both of us in last Thursday's session, but it means a lot to know you generally find me engaging and that sessions go by quickly for you. And I'm glad I was able to express some of the child abandonment feelings about your going away. Sharing the thoughts of "Don't leave me" was really scary, but you seemed to just accept it. And how you said I don't need to explain to you that I know you deserve vacation and stuff like that because it's like taking care of your feelings. It helps to know that it's OK if I miss you. I mean, I know, as I said, that it's really about it being OK with *me*, not with *you*, but today's discussion made me feel better about all that. Hopefully I can let myself feel the connection Thursday, too.
Love,
LT

Fix my pain! Fix my life! Show me the light at the end of the tunnel!

ExT why can't I come back I jut want to feel safe again

Don't email me 7 months after an unethical termination trying to make yourself feel better.

Everything is awful without you.

T? Can we stay here for a while? There is a lot here and I never knew about it before you. I can hear you telling me we can stay here as long as I need but I still may need to hear it IRL.

I did something I should not have done last night... hehe

So some stuff has gone down today that I have found upsetting, and someone just emailed me, at 11pm "Echos, would you like to talk?" And it brought tears to my eyes, but I'm also annoyed with this person, and also it's 11pm, so... no I don't.

Then I read last week's IST (which I wrote up and never posted on PC) and I remembered how much you understood the importance of the memory I shared with you, and I remembered what you said about my ex's feelings towards me. And I felt it all again, all the love, loss, pain, and love for you, the only person who really knows what that all meant to me. Now my ex is dead, you are the only person who I could ever share those memories with. Why am I here in this situation? Why am I doing the job I am doing? Why am I a mother? A wife? Why do I live in this town? Why do I do the things I do? What is the meaning of any of this? Is this who I am supposed to be? I know you can't answer these questions. Maybe they don't have answers.

ExT I am speechless you lead me to believe you werent seeing clients any more. You demanded honesty from me but you failed to be honest.