Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I wish I could go back in time eith u

And I am 4 years old

And you swoop in and rescue me from abuse

Abuse that lasted 9 years , 9 years!!

I used 2 pretend it never happened , like I convinced myself it didnt happen to me

I wish u were there then ... I wish anyone would have been there ... anyone that would have cared enough to STOP IT

I don't know, T. Who are you? Who am I? Does any of it even matter?
I don't know who you are. I don't know what I am.
I don't think I can be bothered.
I just think... it will actually be a lot easier for you without me.
I really do hate that kind of talk.
But I do see it doesn't matter to you one way or the other
and that's okay.
Maybe it's easier for both of us that way.

Dear T,
Do I talk to you today about the dream I had last night involving ex-MC? I'm not sure what it's about. Particularly the thing about his shoulders being bare. And the plants.
Love,
LT

Intake T,
Please don't freak out.
Thank-you,
MM

Thank you.

I leave your office feeling good and then I start wondering how therapy will end. The thought of never seeing you again scares the **** out of me.

Finding out who you are is one of the benefits of therapy.

Mmmeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hope it is raining on every day of your holiday. I hope you are having such a ghastly time that you decide to never go on holiday again.

I can't think of the term we used. I know you used 'emotional manipulation', and that makes sense. 'Trauma is grief with steel toe-cap boots on' was mine...but what the heck was the word?

It's bugging me.

Dear T,
Sorry I'm such a f***-up. Glad you can see me today, though I can only think you're like "FFS, LT, what now?"

Love,
LT

SORRY
WISH I COULD SEE u today .

I signed in today after being absent for a while, and I could feel the love reading all the PMs I've got. I haven't replied to any yet but will eventually at a snail pace.

I don't feel like I'm the same person and that's because I'm not. Looking back I can't believe that I used to get so upset about half the stuff that I did. I don't feel much at the moment and I'm not even worried about my upcoming exam.

This break around I didn't religiously count down the days until you would return. Our last session together was nice. I can remeber there was a lot of joking and smiling. Though you'd never say it to me. I could feel your love in that moment.Because I was me- I made you promise me that you would return and then still asked if you would really turn up to my session.

You said you would come back after the bank holiday, with our next session on the 29th. I find it comforting to know you're actually already home and having a few quiet days. ( you're active in your local environment group again.)

But here's the thing- I'm not ready to return back to therapy.

Dear T,

This is pathetic, but I miss you.

-c

I guess it's not really an emergency if I just want to see you. You're lucky I'm not a complete asshole.

Dear T,
Today I really wish you allowed hugs. Because I really could have used one today. Though your standing up after my paying to shake my hand meant a lot.
Love you,
LT

Dear T,
F*** you for your email reply. All I wanted was for you to say you believed in me. Why is that so f***ing hard to say? I know you're a T and have to say all the "I want you to believe in yourself" BS, but couldn't you just say that you believe in me, that you have faith in me? I suspect the truth is that you don't, that you just think I'm a total screwup.

Whatever,
LT

Crappy day and once again I was naive enough to think you would respond to my text asking for help this time. In the next couple of days I will get a text with the lame excuse that you never checked your phone. BS..... sadly I will allow this pain of being let down to continue to happen because U am a pathetic screw up who will keep taking the hits rather than quit.

Dear T,
FU times like a thousand for your most recent reply. I may need to terminate. FU. Damn it, why did I let myself get attached to a prick like you?
LT

I can't believe that I have finally, finally met someone with whom I feel so safe. Could it finally be my turn? Maybe? I cannot help but trust you, and love you with all my heart.
-all of us

Who is that loser your daughter has taken up with? He really doesn't seem like a good guy judging from how he conducts himself on Facebook. I guess you know that judging from your response to that one comment he made. That was really wtf and alarming. He seems possessive and I notice that all his friends are women and he has also started reposting highly sexual posts from other women. Seems odd, unless they are in an open relationship, which seems doubtful given the FB status.

Anyway, felt kind of bad to see that your kid is running around with that asshole.

Please call

Dear T,
Please say something. I feel like I'm dying right now.
--LT

Oh LT, sending you hugs.

aw, thanks...I'll be OK, just really struggling.