Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I want you to pay attention to me, dammit!

If I ask, will you write me a letter at the end of the summer? Pretty please?

Now I feel depressed. Having H come in so we could talk about parenting ended up me feeling like the two of you were telling me it was all my fault. I know you both said that wasn't true, but honestly that is 100% what I heard.

I'm glad I had asked for an extra, individual session this week. I'm trying not to feel guilty that you proposed Friday, the day you take off, and then today said it had to be late in the day because you had other things going on.

I want to act out, but I'm not going to since you're in mourning and I'm not a monster.

But just know that all the wickedness inside me is screeching to be released.

Hehe there are no rules against not using roman numerals!

I was more open yesterday, and I left feeling better. Is that how this works?

Well I had a doozy of an insight last night!! It came about I think because of how last week you said about that one thing - that we could try to figure out why I do it or I could look at it as just a habit - which for this makes so much sense - and actually led me to 'get' why I developed it. Ugh now I gotta break the habit!

Ooh, i'll stir your pot! The guideline is that the numbering of continued threads be sequential. Numerical sequential. Not undergotchies size sequential! How could you possibly think i didnt know to what guideline i was referring? :huffy:

Youre driving me mad! And its a short drive!

I need you

I miss you. And I'm annoyed with you. It's a horrible combination.

Well, that was unexpected. I feel like I've just watched an episode of Breaking the Magician's Code about my own life...only the magicians weren't magicians. They were insensitive sods.

Lonely af.

Hey L. My sister just called to wish me a happy birthday and I told her I want to talk with her about something when she has more time. She was on her way to supervise a fireworks thing with her daughter so didn't have time today. But at least I have told her now and you will be glad to hear that even if the actual phone call doesn't happen before next Thursday.

Dear T,
You probably picked a good time to go out of town, as it's been pouring rain all day today. I'm trying to figure out if I'm doing OK because I'm accepting missing you and being OK with it. And/or if it's that I'm managing OK on my own, with my non-you support system. Or is that I'm compartmentalizing and trying to block you out? Because...it's not like I feel you with me right now. I'm not like, "I trust that you care, even if you're away, so I'm all good." So I'm not sure it's that I'm holding onto the attachment. Or am I just like, "OK I'm good I don't need you, pretending you don't exist and that I'm not attached to you because that makes it easier not to miss you"? Does it matter which thing it is? Is the important thing that I'm OK? I really don't know...I'd rather be holding your caring within me than...whatever this is. Stuff to talk about when you're back, I guess?

Love you,
LT

Dear T,
So...I'm not really OK...if I'm sitting here sobbing, I think that confirms that...

Love,
LT

I had a dream where you left and passed me off to a colleague... please please please don't do that....

You put into words exactly qhat I go througg pretty every week

I do love you original Una.

I couldn't control the crying, or speak but I didn't think that I had wasted the session until you said that I would email you saying so.

I wanted the you from yesterday.

It's not likely that you'll even reply and i'm left with his hurricane you sent my way.

Where are you

Will you be there on Monday?

I know you were trying to protect me, but I feel like you also left me in the dark.

And thinking about it really pisses me off.

It would be really nice to hear your voice, even if there was mad somewhere in the mix. I'm not sure if it would make a difference. I'm not sure if I can keep telling myself no.

Dear T,
I wish I'd just sent you the whole email I wrote last night. And I wish I knew if your text was in reply to my email, or if you were just adding on to what you said in the text because I didn't reply. Like if you realized "fair enough" sounded sort of dismissive. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow morning if you reply to my email or not... This is one of the problems with modern communication. This all could have been resolved in like 3 minutes on a phone call...not that I'd expect you to call while you're away, just, it wouldn't have been all drawn out.
Love,
LT